Thursday, September 30, 2010

rainy day

i'm so sleepy, it's raining a lot here and it's all dark and stormy and humid. it makes me want to curl up in a ball under my blankets and sleep. rain is the perfect sleeping weather.

i haven't posted much about my intakes/weight recently, mostly because i'm about to start my time-of-month and i've been craving/binging a lot. i step on the scale everyday and look away because i don't want to have to deal with what it's going to say. i really need my drive, my willpower back. i want to be thin and pretty and perfect.

gah i just fell asleep for a second.. i completely lost my train of thought. cool.

i really don't have much of substance to say, i'm really exhausted. i'll reply to your comments and maybe talk about my non existent life in a later post. for now, i'm going to nap.

rain was made to accompany naps.

stay skinny lovelies, sorry for the sleepy post. i'll be more awake/interesting later.

xox liz

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

it's britney bitch

thank you all for the sweet comments you left on my last post! i realized the picture made me look about 12 years old, sorry about that. i had to delete the pictures though, i don't wanna take the risk of someone recognizing me, that would not be good.

so i don't know if any of you girls watch glee, but i do. it's a great show, i've always wanted to be a dancer so it's cool to watch all the songs they do.. and it's a really good show. yesterday it was on and it was a britney spears themed episode. i grew up listening to her, her cd was the first one i ever bought. so i'm all hooked on britney again lol. i know she's had her crazy days, but who hasn't? and on glee, they talked about how her music made kids more sexual and come out of their shells (sue said it started a sex riot, you really have to watch the show to understand haha) and i really think that's true. her music makes me want to be the gorgeous sexy skinny girl she sings about (and was when she was younger). i don't know if this makes any sense haha sorry about that

anyways, i had some macaroni and cheese today, it was so tempting i couldn't resist... about 420 calories. i've been dancing around my room all day so i'm sure some of it has burned off. soup is for dinner so maybe i can keep it under 600 today?? fingers crossed.

not much has been happening in my life lately. i've been trying to decide what to be for halloween. i have to have a flat stomach for most of the costumes that i like. where i live everyone dresses like skanks, there were a whole group of hooters girls last year. i think i might be a police officer but i don't know. do you guys have any ideas?

okay well i've got homework to do and britney spears songs to dance to, hope you girls are doing okay :) xox liz

update: i sent my photos in to apply to i stock photos (so i can sell my pictures online) and can't stop checking my email for their response. cross your skinny little fingers!! xx

Monday, September 27, 2010

pictures of me... post will self destruct in a couple days.

it starts out easy, something simple something sleazy
something inching past the edge of reserve
now through the lines of the cheap venetian blinds your car is pulling off of the curb
just when you think that you're in control
just when you think that you've got a hold
just when you get on a roll
oh here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again.
oh here it goes again
i should have known, should have known
should have known again
oh here it goes again.
here it goes again by ok go

i don't have much to say, i like this song posted above, it's quite peppy and i like the lyrics too. 
so... i'm going to post a picture of myself. for 48 hours... or until i get uncomfortable with it haha. 

sorry guys, pictures are gone, i don't want to take the chance of someone i know finding this blog

sooo yeah. bleach costs about 2 bucks, i know the images are pretty darn scarring.
that's all for now guys, it's been a prettty boring day.
xox liz

Sunday, September 26, 2010

i'm an idiot.

i actually can NOT believe i fell for this bullshit again.

so that guy, J, the one who i'm like meant to be with whatever, fucked me over again.

we had a thing, we were best friends and hooking up and it was going perfectly. then he asked my good friend to homecoming.

well, good friend is an overstatement... and she said no... but we used to be really close and now we're not as close, but still friends. and he knew that. oh, and he doesn't even go to our school, so it's not like he had to ask her (he goes to a completely different far away school than me and my ex-ish friend do). and he told me last night that he hated her.

and he hasn't even had the decency to talk to me since it happened. she had to tell me.

i'm like combo angry and sad. sad because we were so fucking close, like he knew all about ana. i thought he was going to be the one who was starting to make me want to be a different person. i was closer to him than anyone i've ever met, in my entire life. anyone.

sad also, because like.. what's wrong with me? i know his friends don't really like me, but really only a couple of them, and they're not his close friends either. why did he have to ask a girl, who he barely even talks to, when he could go with me? we've been closer than ever. what's wrong with me, that he doesn't want me? he's always wanted me, even at my fattest. always. what changed?

but i'm pissed. i. am. furious. why the HELL do i fall for dumbass douchebags like him? i honestly don't get it. i made this happen, i let him in and i trusted him. not happening again, not for a long time.

i'm laying in bed, not studying for a huge exam i'm going to fail on monday, going between crying uncontrollably and being uncontrollably angry. if this is what i get for letting him in, if this is what i get for trusting someone, it's not happening again. it's not worth it. 

Saturday, September 25, 2010

what a beautiful mess this is

favorite song... beautiful mess by jason mraz. like actually though. i'm going to post the entire song lyrics in a new post because i love it so much. i listen to it over and over and over...

anyways... so many calories... i hate going out to eat. i always end up ordering the wrong thing and eating too much of it and blah. you know the drill. i feel like this happens to me way too often.

i went grocery shopping with my dad after, and it went okay. i get really stressed out in grocery stores, sometimes i panic and make an excuse to leave, sometimes i just shake a lot. all that happened today was the shaking, and it can be disguised as being cold, grocery stores are always freezing. i bought a couple low calorie things to have for lunch this week and i'm pretty optimistic about being able to keep my count under 700 every day.

for treats to drink i got hot chocolate mix (60 cals) and lite arizona arnold palmers (50 cals- it's half lemonade, half iced tea. it's a big thing where i live). i think i'll have either one of those every other day, if i want one. i usually just want diet soda or water though, but we'll see. for breakfast/lunch i'll have special k chocolate granola bar (90 cals). i don't ever really want a hot breakfast, for some reason breakfast grosses me out... so it's pretty easy to combine breakfast and lunch. for a snack, i'm going to eat either a fruit cup (100 cals) or a yogurt (100 cals). i also have these jello brand chocolate mousse cups (60 cals) which are to die for. i'll probably eat one of those every couple of days after dinner.

sooo basically, for a day when i don't drink anything but diet soda and water, my intake will be 190 calories before dinner, which is totally subject to whatever my mom wants to cook. like i said yesterday, i'll burn off 200 calories at least everyday and keep dinner under 500. so 690 without exercising! :)

oh and i'm 124! i weighed myself this morning. so i already have a head start! i still want to be 118 by homecoming though, if not less than that. if i lose one more pound then i'll officially have lost 10 pounds since i've had this blog (i started at 133)! thinking about it now, 10 pounds is a lot. i'm semi proud of myself lol but i still have more to lose. i want to turn that 10 pounds into 15.

ugh. i have lots of homework to do. yes, i'll be doing homework on a saturday afternoon. don't get too jealous now, only a few people can be as cool as me...
just kidding. it's going to suck. i have a huge exam in advanced placement us history on monday. yippee.  so that means i'm going to online shop right now. haha yay for procrastinating. stay skinny lovelies. xox liz

p.s. here's the whole ecology series including the pinecone picture (they're all unedited):

don't skip romance, you're old enough to dance the night away

i haven't really updated you guys very well in a couple of days, sorry guys!
the office was on last night, and i'm re-watching it now. best show ever, i love it.

okay so my dad's officially an asshole. he's been yelling at me for absolutely no reason, he apologizes after but still. it's really obnoxious. i'm so sick of him right now.

i can't wait to move out. if i could leave for college this weekend i would. but i have two more years. and it sucks. highschool sucks, my home sucks. when i skip meals and count calories and check my weight all the time, i used to feel guilty about the pain i was causing my parents, but i don't anymore. they play a huge part in why i am the way i am today. my mom makes comments all the time about how i probably shouldn't eat too much, and at bad times like when i'm leaving for school and not so sure about how i look/what i'm wearing. she, without fail, always tells me that i probably could stand to lose a few pounds. and my dad still calls me mighty whities because of my fat pale thighs. like that's his only nickname for me. so.. i don't really feel bad or guilty about wanting to starve anymore.

i want to lose weight so badly. i'm so excited to be skinny. i felt a lot more skinny today, i don't know why, but it was great. i hope to be under 120 by homecoming, which is around the third week of october. i really want to go with M the cute football player in homeroom. we almost went to a party together tonight but he had a game. he asked me to come to his game next week! lol anyways, i need to be skinny by homecoming and i have to stay skinny for halloween, everyone wears sexy slutty costumes and i want to look amazing in mine! so i'm going to put together a schedule and i'm going to stick to it.

the homecoming game is the 22nd so homecoming is the 23rd... almost exactly a month! i think i'm 126 right now, just a guestimate... with all the binging lately, i don't want to step on a scale. maybe tomorrow morning? we'll see. i want to be 118 by homecoming, that's a good number right? and that's only 2 pounds a week. so:
by 10/2/10 i should be 124, by 10/9/10 i should be 122, by 10/16/10 i should be 120, and by 10/23/10 i'll be 118. i'd really love to lose more but hopefully i'll surprise myself and end up lower than 118. according to a couple calorie counters, i have to eat under 700 calories a day.
everyday i'll drink water and diet soda. i can either have coffee (100) or a granola bar (180). i'll burn at least 200 calories everyday on my stationary bike. for dinner i'll take small portions since my mom always makes me eat. i can usually get away with under 500 for dinner. that makes a total intake of 600 for coffee days and 680 for granola bar days (without subtracting whatever i burn off).

i'm going to make some rewards for when i hit my goals, i'll come up with those in the next post. sorry if i've been rambling a bit, i've been trying to figure this out as i go along lol. i'm also making an ana bracelet! any ideas? i think seeing it every time i reach for some food will stop me. well thanks for putting up with my rambly post loves :) i'm gonna go to sleep for now, but i'll post again lataa. think thin and stay skinny lovelies, xox liz.

oh! and p.s., this is one of the photos i turned in for photography class this week! i've been talking to some of you girls about art lately and i just wanted to show you some of what i do :)
the guide word for our project was 'ecology' and i decided to focus on texture. there are 3 more pictures in the series but this one is my favorite, even though it isn't edited yet here. it's a pinecone, i used expansion tubes to get really close in. so yeah, i do photography like this and drawing :) 

Thursday, September 23, 2010

lame post, sorry girls

so i'm a little behind on posting, i haven't had enough time to really sit down and put a lot of effort into a post, sorry lovelies :( school has been really tough lately and i'm just physically and mentally exhausted. and i've binged a lot. i don't even want to think about how much right now, but i can feel the extra weight as i move around. great. looove this.
anyways, i'll put more effort into a post later, when i'm not full to the brim of calories and about to pass out. lemme get my shit together, hold on a day or two. hope you all are doing well, think thin and stay skinny. 
xox liz
p.s. don't you hate lying down and going to bed on a overly full stomach? i think it's the worst feeling in the world. 

basically incoherent post... i'm really tired.

this is going to be really short because, where i am, it is 1:07 am and i still have a ton of homework to do... and i have to get up at 5:45. the things i do for you girls...
just kidding lol, anyways thank you for your comments, i'm sorry about the rant, i don't like to do that very often, i'm not a very angry person i swear! i just wanted to address the point kazehana made. i agree completely. the thoughts and opinions they were voicing were completely normal and i hate to think that i'm the person who complains about nothing. i was just angry and worked up at the time, it's not like i didn't know what i was saying but at the time it sounded logical. i really do appreciate you pointing that out, i needed a little wake up call. namaste.
again, i love your comments you guys, and i'm sorry if it takes me a little while to comment on your posts, i'm a procrastinator.

i hope this post makes sense. i'm like half awake...

okay i think i'm going to end this post. and then die of exhaustion. for those of you who don't know, highschool sucks. xox liz.
p.s. my mom's away in spain, so i get to fast all week! no more nagging or tempting lunches. cross your fingers for some major pound droppage.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

if you play, you play for keeps; take the gun and count to 3

and you can see my heart beating,
you can see it through my chest,
i'm terrified, but i'm not leaving,
i know that i must pass this test,
so just pull the trigger.
russian roulette by rhianna, beautiful song.

bad news and good news.
good news first, bad news will take longer.
M and i had a very good flirting day. i think this may be going somewhere? i have no clue.

bad news....
i binged late last night. so i don't know if it counts as today or yesterday. all i know is that it counts as way more calories than i'm comfortable with.
my mom went on a rant last night about anorexia and how stupid it was. we had watched america's next top model, the one where the skinny girl gets kicked off (annamaria, it's the latest episode). not only was i stunned by her body, all bone, basically emaciated; but that's what i want to look like. my parents kept calling her disgusting. everyone on the show thought it was ugly. my mom told me that girls like that never get any boys, or anywhere in life.
she couldn't be more wrong. shit, if she only knew. i want bones. i want to be like that girl, but skinnier. i hate all these people, these fucking hypocrites, who claim that bones are ugly but make fun of a fat girl seconds later. i hate all these girls at my school, the wannarexics who complain about their weight all the time for attention, they don't know the shit we're going through. ana isn't just a quick fix to lose weight, it's a force that's taken over my life and invaded every aspect of it. smile plastered on my face and baggy clothes on my back, nobody but you ladies know the shit i have to deal with every day. i hate those people who judge me and the girls i look up to, they have no fucking clue what's going on. i don't know why i'm so angry right now, but i really am.
i'm so sick of having to pretend that everything's okay. everything isn't okay. suicide enters my mind daily, but i'm too cowardly. add that to my list of faults. every time one of my friends at school complains about their problems i want to scream. at them, at myself, at the world, goddamnit i don't know. i can't take this anymore. i'm overwhelmed with everything i have to keep inside.
i'm sorry this is such a kind of long rant/post, i'm not sure what would happen if i kept all this inside of me. and i'm not sure i want to know. as mad as i am at the world right now, i'm really glad i have you girls here. you have no idea how much it means to me. i love your comments and i love your posts. thanks for understanding me and being supportive. i love you guys.
okay well i'm going to go take my anger out on my homework. yippee. i'll post later tonight maybe with weights/intake. i don't want to think about those numbers right now, i'll just get angrier.
xox liz

Monday, September 20, 2010

baby could you be my corona and lime

i love that song. shwayze. loove them.

it's a monday. and it's been awesome. this never happens...

but i love it. :) i had like 5 minutes of hot sex today (sorry for the tmi lol) but like... actually. teenage boys don't last very long... guys get better at this right? hopefully. but it wasn't horrible, it was pretty stress relieving. it was with that guy, the ex boyfriend i talked about in my last post. we'll call him J from now on, i have a feeling i'll be talking about him again..

and in homeroom, the cute football player i've talked about before, we'll call him M, told me i looked really cute in my glasses. when i said that i've worn them in class before he said that i looked really cute then too... eeeek! he said a bunch of other really cute things, and was like really cute in general. hot damn. flirting with him is so much fun! he's got the clearest most piercing blue eyes, he told me he'd text me later today so we'll seee. god, he's so cute.

i've had about 170 calories today, minus the 25 i burned during sex. shit that feels and tastes good is never actually good for you. life's unfair. but that's not the point: about 145 calories so far... and i'll do sit ups later. my dad's making lasagna tonight and his lasagna is one of my favorites, so i'm probably going to binge. but i'm really excited, i've been so hungry all day. it's ridiculous. SO HUNGRY. goddamnit. i hate being hungry. my will power is like a zero. i'm going to just wait for dinner. as long as i stay out of the kitchen i'll be fine. i just keep trying to think about how good it felt to look at the scale yesterday. i forgot to weigh myself this morning and i don't like to weigh during the day when i have stuff in my system... i'm too afraid to look at those numbers.

okay. so, that's about it for today. i'll post tomorroww, i really appreciate the comments, it's nice to hear from you girls :) stay skinny! xox liz

update: my non existent will power and i had a very very teeny piece of pizza. about 100 calories i think

Sunday, September 19, 2010

fuck yes.

I DID IT!! not only did i beat my goal for this weekend of 123, i lost an extra pound.
i'm 122 now!!! i'm so excited lol. i feel so much thinner. i was looking at pictures of myself at 135ish and i'm so glad that i'm not there anymore, i looked disgusting. yeah, i still have more to lose, i'm not perfect yet but compared to what i used to be? i'm a lot better.
i'm actually confident today, i'm not really sure why.

oh. and ropes courses are the best way to lose weight. i went with this school group of 21 kids in highschool like me, i'm really close with a lot of them. 2 of my ex boyfriends are in it, which is actually totally okay, like they hate each other but other than that, nothing bad happened with them, which was unexpected. but anywho, we were split up into two groups and like none of the people i knew really well were in my group, which was kind of lame. but i got to know the other people better than i had before, when we had just been like a little more than acquaintances. it worked out better than i had expected. plus, we had this really cute advisor guy.. he's like 25 but he kept hitting on me the entire time... it was kind of nice lol.
anyways, we did a like 2 mile long zipline and walked on wires like 50 feet in the air. we had to do team building activities and like lift everyone over a wall and once you were over, you couldn't help lift anymore, and a bunch of other stuff. i was so active the entire time, we never stopped moving. whether it was lifting people in the air or walking or climbing things or just plain old jumping around, i was always moving. it was awesome, i felt so good at the end of the day.

i had a major breakthrough there though. before, i've always kind of had two personalities... that sounds SO psycho, but it's not lol i swear. like, when i'm with that group, i don't usually worry about calories, i'm easy going and myself around them because i'm completely comfortable (it was also this way at my summer camp). in the past, i'm like not ana there, i don't understand it. but all the time other than when i'm with that group/at camp i count calories, obsess over my weight, and restrict like crazy. but anyways, this time was totally different. ana has officially permeated every aspect of my life now. i don't have that group as a safe haven to hide from my problems anymore, ana is my safe haven. this time i counted calories, i checked the mirror for signs of me gaining weight every time i was in the bathroom. i like that ana is everywhere in my life now, and i really have no idea if this makes any sense to you all, it's really really really really hard to explain.

okay and last thing (about boys, sorry it'll be quick i promise!). so those 2 ex boyfriends, one of them doesn't like mean anything at all, he was a fling that ended and i had no real feelings for him. so we won't really talk about him. but the other one? we're like destined to be together. he knows everything about me, he's been with me through thick and thin. we've dated on and off for the entire time i've been in high school, the longest time without a break was a year. i genuinely feel like i've met one of those people who's just meant for me. we get along so well, like we're best friends. we tell each other everything, we have an absolute blast when we're together, we like all the same shit. and there's definitely more there than just best friends. the chemistry is stronger than anyone else i've ever hooked up with. since my first kiss with him i've known what they mean when they talk about sparks. i lost my virginity to him about a year ago and i don't regret it at all. even when we're broken up. i know that it couldn't have been a better situation. so recently, we've been in a weird situation. we're friends when everyone's around, but dating secretly, when we're alone. i know how fucked up that sounds, but it's for the best. it would create a lot of drama and frankly, i'm a jealous moody bitch in relationships. but this situation is really good. we slept in the same bunk last night, it probably looked a little suspicious to everyone else but i was in my sleeping bag and he was in his. we told everyone that we wanted to talk to each other and that was the most comfortable place to do it. so i fell asleep basically in his arms, which was wonderful. he's a great guy, if not a little bit of a player, but i know him inside and out so i can tell when he's fucking me over. people definitely suspect something though, we spend tons of time together and we're like kind of all over each other. whatever, let them think what they want, i'm loving the situation. i'll be fucked when he leaves for college next year, but i don't want to think about that...

i'm sorry about the novel length post, i tried not to do that... and failed haha. sorry lovelies. well i'm going to go do all the homework i'm so late on finishing. i want to finish before 10 and go to bed early, wish me luck! xox liz
i'm going to update later with my weight and a bunch of shit that i don't feel like typing right now.. lol but two things:
goal_thin: SO PROUD OF YOU. i haven't gotten under the 120's in a very long time and i know how awesome it feels. you're amazing and a true inspiration. congrats girl, keep it up :)
and second: i didn't eat this ENTIRE weekend so far! i definitely have a negative calorie intake too, we ran around the ropes course the entire day yesterday. i'm going to post all the stories later, i'm a litttle too tired now.
well i'm off to go weigh myself, i've been putting it off for a long time now... it's killing me to not know what i weigh but i'm afraid i didn't make 123. i feel thinner so that counts for something right?
i'll post more later lovelies, xox liz

Saturday, September 18, 2010

so i'm up insanely early to go the ropes course (insanely early=8 am..) and i thought i'd just say thank you girls for being so supportive in that last post. i really love this little community we have going here, so thank you girls for being there for me :)
also, i can fast for the whole time i'm on this trip with no questions asked, which is until 1pm tomorrow. i'm really excited, somehow yesterdays fast came and went and i was still at 125. woohoo. not. i'm hoping to get to 123 at least by sunday, all the exercise and not having to eat should help a lot.
okay well i'll update when i get back, as well as respond to what kazehana said, i had something to say and i forgot it :( hopefully i'll remember when i'm gone! stay skinny lovelies, xox liz

Friday, September 17, 2010

my story. this post's a long one..

i've fasted since about 8 yesterday. i'm 125 now i think, but my scale is a liiittle iffy so i don't really know for sure, which stresses me out a lot... i'm on the verge of binging but i just started watching america's next top model so i'm pretty inspired by all these skinny pretty girls. i'm not so hungry anymore.
a little about my day, it was prettty stressful, i bombed a test and fucked up my in-class art project. but the cute football player held my hand in homeroom! my homeroom is my last class and it's history, i like teased him a bit and he teased back saying "go die" (that's like a normal thing to say at my school, i don't know about where you guys live) and i rolled my eyes and he grabbed my hand, squeezed it, smiled and said "don't, i'd miss you too much"... eeeek! :) lol i'm such a teenage girl.. it's pathetic haha. but he's super cute.

okay so more seriously, i promised a little while ago that i'd tell my story on how i came to have this body image and horrible relationship with food soo.. here it goes.

ever since i can remember, my pet peeve and the thing that absolutely grosses me out the most is the sound of chewing. i think it's the most disgusting sound in the world, even my own chewing, as weird as that is. when i was really young, about 5 years old, i'd avoid the sound of my own chewing, so i'd avoid food. i know that sounds weird, but little kids are illogical, i was illogical. in addition to that, i was a skinny little kid already. i lost a lot of weight, to the point that it was unhealthy for my age. i never learned proper eating habits because i didn't need them. eventually, i got over my being grossed out with my own chewing, though i still can't listen to other people, but i started eating like crazy. at school i'd eat two lunches, the one i brought with me to school that my mom made and one that i bought. my dad would make a sandwich for me every day when i got home from school and i'd have that in addition to dinner that night, which usually included a second or third helping. i gained and i gained and i gained.

i didn't realize it at all. my dad's nickname for me changed, and when before i was called things like 'sweet pea' around the house, he started calling me 'mighty whiteys', a name inspired by the size and paleness of my thighs. (the nickname hasn't changed, he still calls me that.) my 'friends' stopped talking to me and hanging out with me. when i asked them why, they said i was embarrassing. i was in 5th grade, 10 years old, overweight, and friendless... it was pathetic.... so in 6th grade, one day before ballet class, i was getting changed with all the other girls, when one of them points at me, laughs, and simply says 'you're fat!'. half the girls started giggling, the other half held it in with pity in their eyes. it was right then that i decided that i never wanted to hear those words or be in that situation ever again. my aunt used to be anorexic and my mom told me all the stories of what it was, how she did it, and how it worked. so i decided that that would be me. i restricted, binged, exercised, did anything i could to lose weight. i would lose a lot, then gain a lot, then lose a lot and over and over and over. there have been days when i've felt indestructible, like i was on top of the world. and there have been days where i've been at the bottom of the heap, cutting and contemplating suicide. things have taken a turn for the better lately, i've been happier than usual but all the while i've had ana accompanying me, ana is a comfort to me and a reassurance that i'll never be that fat pale kid being laughed at in her leotard. while i may still be fat and pale, i know i'm working towards bones and i know that ana will help me there.

so that's my story. there's only one other person on this earth who knows it, but i encourage you girls to tell your stories too. it doesn't have to be to your friends or family, that's virtually impossible, i know. but write it down. maybe you only click the save button and keep it in your lists of posts to edit, or maybe you take the leap to publish it. but as i'm realizing now, it feels good to get it out. know i, and tons of other girls on here, will always be here for you.

thanks for listening lovelies, i'll update later. i hope you all are having good days, stay skinny
xox liz

Thursday, September 16, 2010

time to get serious

i've been serious about losing weight before but it's crackdown time now. hardcore. fasting and tons of exercise. i looked at the scale just a second ago and it said 127. there's no fucking way right? i hope not, i couldn't have gained like 4 pounds in a day... hopefully. erasing all the goals that i achieved is killing me. right back where i started.
i'm going to go exercise for the rest of the day and working off this extra weight right now. like right this second. i'm so sick of being fat.
i'll post again and read your posts later lovelies, xox liz

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

fuck chinese food.
binged, i don't even wanna know how many calories.
off to do crunches for a couple hours.
i need some willpower.


so i have a shit ton of french homework to do but i really just plain old don't feel like it. it's really boring, my teacher's really boring, and i don't want to do it. so i'm not. hah, suck that madame.

anyways... i'm 124 as of this morning! :) my dad's ordering chinese for us tonight though so i don't really know how long i can keep it up. chinese food is like my weakness, i can never stop eating it. i have to be skinny enough for this ropes course though, which means i can't stuff my face.

oh and i was asked where to find the exact calories in starbucks drinks etc, there's an iphone/itouch app (made by starbucks) where you can build a drink like you would order it and then just press the nutrition button and voila! i can't drink just straight black coffee so i think it's worth getting, you know exactly what you're ordering and how many calories are in it.

i felt really thin today, and it was great. i don't really know why though.. i can see my stomach bulge and thighs jiggle. the chinese food is starting to sound less and less appetizing the more and more i look in the mirror and step on the scale. ugh.
wish me luck, hopefully i won't eat too much... maybe i'll even do my french homework?
ha.. probably not. effff.
i hope your having a great day lovelies, xox liz

p.s. i know on a comment on a post i said i'd post my story of how i came to be this way with food, and i will, it's just long and i don't feel like it right now. oh and a cute boy just ran by my house, saw him through the window.. that's not as creepy as it sounds, you can see my street right from my bedroom window...... lol. xxxx.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

she looks like sex, drugs, rock and roll

i LOVE that song, get u home by shwayze. not the kind of music i normally listen to, but i can't help myself.

so for some reason i'm in an incredibly good mood right now! :) i think it's because of my day, it has gone really well so far. it was easy school-wise and in my homeroom class, i sit next to a cute football player who i have a major crush on... he's sooo cute and we talk the entire class, it always puts me in a good mood :)

and i also only ate a skim white mocha latte from starbucks with no whip, handful of grapes, a couple wheat thins, and a low fat cheese stick today. so far my calorie count is like.. 300 calories, yay! i've been under 1000 for the last few days. i looked at the scale yesterday after dinner with a bunch of clothes and it said 128... i hope that's not really what i weigh.

wait PHEW. i literally just weighed myself again and i'm 125. thank god. and that's fully hydrated. i have a retreat with some people in my class this saturday. we're going to this ropes course all saturday and then sleeping in cabins that night. last year we did the same thing and i looked at the pictures: i looked like the biggest fucking fat ass in my harness for the course, i don't want that to happen again.

i figure i can lose about a pound a day. i've been able to do that before, so it shouldn't be a problem. lets see... i'm 125 today and it's tuesday? so wednesday=124, thursday=123, friday =122, saturday=121. yay! that should do it. and then i'll be closer to my gw too... and i don't have to eat anything during the entire retreat, i'm lactose intolerant and all they every have to eat is pizza so i can get out of it. and the ropes course is actually lots of exercise. i'm getting excited now! i have to stay on track though... i'll make a schedule, it's easier for me to follow those than to just use willpower... that never works. my willpower is shiiiit. it goes, "i really shouldn't stuff my face today. but i'm in my kitchen. next to the fridge. it's fate, i have to." *stuffs face* "fuck.". so that's definitely not the route to go.

to goal_thin: welcome! and thanks for the support girl :)
to kazehana: that definitely doesn't sound insane, that sounds amazing! i could never do all that stuff, and it sounds so cool. i'd really love to speak a bunch of languages but right now it's only english and french, and i knit and cook too! also you said you taught a sushi making class, i've never actually had sushi haha, i know i know, everyone loves it, i've just never felt the need to try it. we'll see, maybe someday! :) it's nice to know more about you!

sorry this post is so goddamn long.. not my intention haha

okay well i'm off to do some homework, walk my dog, have a low cal dinner (fingers crossed!) and try to sleep! i'll read your blogs somewhere in there too lovelies i promise! xox liz

Monday, September 13, 2010

cool, awesome.

Personality Disorder Test Results
Paranoid |||||||||||||||||| 74%
Schizoid |||||||||||||||| 62%
Schizotypal |||||||||||||| 54%
Antisocial |||||||||||||||| 62%
Borderline |||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Histrionic |||||||||||||| 54%
Narcissistic || 10%
Avoidant |||||||||||||| 54%
Dependent |||||||||||||||| 62%
Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Take Free Personality Disorder Test
personality tests by

so this is just awesome, lovin' that personality test... i swear, i'm not actually that psycho. i don't know what's going on there.

anywho, moving on. good day at school today. and pretty okay calorie day, about 300 so far and i doubt dinner will be more than 300, or at least i won't let that happen. my stomach hurts sooo bad and i have a cold. it lets me eat less without parental suspicion though, which i loooove. the sick part sucks though, i don't love that obvi.

so i realized i haven't really told you guys what i like to do in my free time, i feel like y'all don't really know me very well :( i love ana but i love other things too! so a couple things about me...

i play piano, right now i'm play clair de lune. i love that piece SO much, it's the most beautiful music i've ever heard. i love it. i also love playing piano, i don't compete or anything, it's just a hobby. i also love art. i used to be obsessed with photography but i've shifted. i still love photography but i really really love illustration. i feel like i have more to learn with drawing and illustration than i do in photography. i'm not saying i've mastered photography, definitely not, not even close. but, there are less limitations in drawing.

i don't play sports either and that's something i regret every day, i wish i was lean and athletic. but, oh well... anyways, that's a little about me, tell me things about you! i want to know my followers! i feel like we talk about eating disorders and our days and weeks but we never tell each other facts and hobbies, things that make up little parts of us.

okay well i'm off to go do homework. and paint my nails, i just got this pretty purple color. toodles lovelies! have a great day :) xox

Sunday, September 12, 2010

bingey mcbingerson

i ate soooooooo much. i think i topped it off at around 1500 calories. fml.

it's like you go into this state where everything around you looks amazing and you eat like you've never eaten before. i know, everyone here probably knows how horrible binging is and i have no reason to tell you the details but i've only experienced it a couple times. there's usually not that much good food in my house and i'm almost never in the kitchen. but this time there was, and i ate like crazy. after about 15 minutes into it i looked around at all the empty plastic containers and wrappers and soda cans and was disgusted. i refuse to step in front of a mirror or on a scale today. not until i'm empty again.

okay... well that's pretty much all i have to say, i'm off to read and all your wonderful posts :) bye lovelies, xox

oh and here's miranda kerr, i love this picture. thinspo for today:

Saturday, September 11, 2010

i have ribs...?

so i'm 124 now :)

i ate 1/2 a quesadilla today that i made, with 25 cals of cheese and 75 cals of tortilla, so 100 calorie intake today!

oh and a diet cherry coke. my moms making ham and buttermilk biscuits for dinner but i think i'm going out with my friends so i won't be home for that and i can skip dinner. i'm feeling a little light-headed though, i think it's my low blood sugar. i'll eat some grapes later maybe.

i was able to skip dinner last night too which was nice. i went to that football game i talked about in my last post, and it was pretty boring... nothing special ya know? just a bunch of guys in tight pants kicking a ball around and mauling each other. i left at half time to hang out with my friend/drive around a bit, which was real fun. came back in time to see my school win, 27-14! i have a teensy weensy crush on one of the players who i sit next to in homeroom, so i can congratulate him at school on monday ;) but anywho, i love skipping dinner. don't get me wrong, i love skipping every meal but dinner especially. it makes me feel nice and light the next morning, and lets me start the day off completely empty.

and i noticed something in the mirror this morning, if i bend in just the slightest way or raise my arms just a tiny bit, generally just move from a normal standing position, you can see ribs! i love ribs. i love hipbones, i love ribs, and i love collarbones. i want more, i want them to stick out from my skin. i want them to be there without me having to move. i'm really excited to have my bones show.

oh and i'm starting to think i need to take vitamin pills or something.. because i'm starting to bruise very very very easily. i just bump my arm and suddenly there's a bruise there. apparently (according to the internet...) i need vitamins c and k. i'll just take one of those daily vitamins, that'll work right? i hope so. these bruises are going to start to look suspicious. and the words "no i'm not physically abused, i'm just lacking vitamins and clumsy" are kind of embarrassing to say.

ugh i've got a killer headache. this suuucks. i think i need to drink water... the coke is the only thing i've had to drink today... i never drink enough water, i don't know why, i really need to work on thatt.

alright well i'm going to go listen to public radio and drink water until i feel like being social somewhere other than the internet. toodles lovelies, xox.

Friday, September 10, 2010

football, american style

my school football game starts in about 10 minutes.

i hate football.

but i think, that in order to keep the friends i've recently made, i need to make an appearance...

i've been meeting lots of new people at school, who i always knew were there but never actually talked to. they're kind of really intimidating. so this game should be interesting. i straightened my hair, put on my school colors, and i'm hoping for the best.

wish me luck lovelies xox

and to frenzy- thanks for the comments girl :) i go in between happy and sad, not like bipolar but like.. teenage girl moody haha. school days are getting better which is really nice. i think lunch on the first few days is something people are always going to dread, or remember dreading. i only have one more year of highschool though after this, so only one more set of first day lunches, three cheers for almost being done with highschool! :)

Thursday, September 9, 2010

day three: check. novel length post: check.

i'm gonna tell you about my day, because it was great. so skip this post if you want, nothing really exciting happens, just a good day story :)

i finished my third day at school and it was SO much better than the first two. i felt a little funny during it, my tummy was acting up but it went away eventually. i had a bottle of water, a bag of grapes, and a teensy weensy bit of a cookie. so i tried to look cute today, i was wearing this brown burnout t-shirt, the see through kind with jean shorts and i let my hair be natural (wavy), which i like better than curling it. and i had a really cute oversized ring on that was my grandma's. anyways, my first class was english, where i'm good friends with two girls, so we sat together, it was a pretty chill class, we didn't do much. next comes art 2, where we were drawing a still life in pencil. we finished and had to put them all on a table to look at. i was relieved because while i'm not the best artist there (there's this asian girl who is AMAZING), i skipped the pre-requisite of art 1 and i'm still not the worst there! i'm somewhere in the middle. anywho i went on to calculus class, where i aced our first test :) there's this really cute boy in that class who's very flirty, we've had a bunch of classes together over the years and know each other pretty well. we sat and goofed off and flirted, which is always fun haha. next came lunch, which you don't understand.. i was stressing about lunch, because we have 3 different lunch times and i didn't know many people who had my lunch time. this is only every other day, since we have a block schedule. i found people i know though! it was really fun, we ate outside, i don't know them well at all, but i'm getting to know them better and they're really nice. i went to the bathroom (since girls always want to go in pairs for some strange reason) with a girl who has never really liked me, but i never know why. we bonded and now we're friends! this is good because i see her everywhere, now it won't be awkward. finally (almost done!) i went to my last class, where i sit next to a boy i like... :) he's really cute. and really funny, if not a little dumb. we flirt a lot, so much so that others around us notice big time. he winks at me a lot, kind of as a joke, but kind of serious at the same time. we kid around and make fun of each other a lot, jokingly, and it's really fun. needless to say, i don't pay attention in class at all. who needs us history when you've got a cute boy next to you?

so that was my school day, thanks for bearing with me through that extra-long paragraph/story...

i'll probably post again later, we'll see how things go down. until then, toodles lovelies! xox

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

i told

i told someone about ana

i told i told i told i told

i've never told anyone (except you guys) before...

it's a secret right? secret's are for keeping, NOT for telling. WHY DON'T I UNDERSTAND THAT.

did he sympathize? no.

was he disgusted? no.

did he even care? no.

and finally, did this work out for me? no.

awesome, this day is going fabulously! i can honestly say, i hate my life right now, i hate it. i never thought i could want to stop existing more than i do right at this moment.
and that's exactly what i'll do. i'll starve and starve until all that still exists of me is bones. maybe a little bit of skin but if it has an ounce of fat on it, nope, not allowed.

thanks for putting up with my rant. i'm going to go watch tv and smolder. xox.
what happens after?
what happens after i reach my goal weight, will there be another?
what do i do if i reach that goal too? at 60 pounds, what if no one cares?

but what if i recover? what then?
what will i do with all this ana knowledge?
the bmi of a 5 foot 7 girl, any weight,
the amount of calories in any possible food,
how to disguise your starvation from your family,
how to starve,
how to die.

and what if this ends it all.
no college, no marriage, no future.
no sustainable organs, no fat,
no life.
what happens then?

what do i do now?

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

what a rainy ending given to a perfect day

the first day of school never lives up to my expectations. today was okay with the exception of lunch. i have cute boys to talk to in basically all my classes, which is a plus, but lunch was awkward. i have a block schedule so i have all new classes tomorrow, except for homeroom, at the end of the day. i sit next to this guy i've always had a little thing for in that class, even with assigned seating, we're right next to each other. we talked all class today... :) lunch is just plain awkward though. i know the people i sit with but i don't know them well enough to joke around with them and have a good time. maybe as the year goes on, lunch will get better.
so the day was okay, with the minor exception of lunch.. until i got home. my parents have been seriously on my ass about eating, every time i go near the kitchen they comment on how i'm not eating enough and how i look thin. i fucking wish. my dad came at me with a chocolate cake recipe this afternoon claiming that if i lost any more weight, he'd make that and i wouldn't be able to resist it. he was trying to be funny, but then he asked me to eat a sandwich. i tried to refuse but it really wasn't going to help my case that i'm an okay weight. i said i'd be down in a minute and when i got there he'd already made it. some fatty mayo concoction, no less than 500 calories. he actually legitimately sat in the kitchen and watched me eat it. it was horrible, i didn't want it and i couldn't refuse it without the accusations. things like that just ruin my day. i was going strong, i hadn't eaten anything and i was feeling great. now i can feel the fat jiggle on my thighs and my stomach pooches. i can feel the amount of cellulite all over my body increasing by the second. gross.
oh and last, for a second i'm going to fall into the cliche of a teenage girl. there is a taylor swift song for every thing going on in my life. every. single. thing. i swear the girl stalks me and then writes songs about me.
to kazehana: i'm working on ignoring what he said, it was just so shocking to hear, i really didn't expect it from him, he never usually says things like that. i'll try to trust the invisible parts of our connection. and thank you so much for the advice girl, it means so much to me.

okay well i've got homework to do.. and all of your blogs to read soo.. i think i'm gonna stick with the blogs haha. stay skinny loves, xox.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

story time

imagine you're in the car. just run with me for a second, this happened to me today and i need to tell someone it. you're in the car, and you've only eaten about 80 calories that day so you're feelin' pretty light and empty, pretty happy. there's a boy driving, one that you really like and have liked for a long time. more than anyone else you've ever liked actually, and there have been times when he's liked you back. you're talking, a pretty normal conversation, about the type of people you usually want and are attracted to. then, all of a sudden he goes "it's weird that i liked you, i usually go for skinnier girls". you bite your lip, look out the window and nod, "different people like different things" you say, anything to get off the topic. he moves on, not knowing that it stung. badly, all of a sudden you're itching in your new top, all your fat is spilling out, you know it. all of a sudden, there are stretch marks on your thighs, all over. you're busting out of your clothes, your skin. starve, starve, starve, be one of the girls he's talking about, one of the perfect skinny girls that you aren't.
you can do it.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

just as free, free as we'll ever be

so i had a really good hair day, which was good, i haven't had one in a while haha. i got this haircut that i haven't really figured out how to style yet. but i'm getting better at it! i had to eat a lot today though, lots of family meals and my parents always get suspicious when i don't eat anything around them.. fasting tomorrow, cross your fingers so i can go all day!
i was looking at thinspo of celebrities, because they always seem to be the skinniest. and when there are fat ones, the pictures always emphasize their cellulite and that makes me hate mine. i really like rachel zoe, she's really thin and bony and i absolutely love her clothes. the rachel zoe project show is annoying after a bit though but she's pretty coool. and i LOVE annalynne mccord. some people think she's ugly but i think she's so so so gorgeous. and she's like super thin but she's in shape too, abs and all. apparently she eats whatever she wants though.. not cool. her bellybuttons weird and i want a liiiittle bit smaller thighs (although i'll take what i can get haha), other than that, this is what i want to look like...

some day, some day.
stay skinnyy. xox.