Tuesday, September 21, 2010

if you play, you play for keeps; take the gun and count to 3

and you can see my heart beating,
you can see it through my chest,
i'm terrified, but i'm not leaving,
i know that i must pass this test,
so just pull the trigger.
russian roulette by rhianna, beautiful song.

bad news and good news.
good news first, bad news will take longer.
M and i had a very good flirting day. i think this may be going somewhere? i have no clue.

bad news....
i binged late last night. so i don't know if it counts as today or yesterday. all i know is that it counts as way more calories than i'm comfortable with.
my mom went on a rant last night about anorexia and how stupid it was. we had watched america's next top model, the one where the skinny girl gets kicked off (annamaria, it's the latest episode). not only was i stunned by her body, all bone, basically emaciated; but that's what i want to look like. my parents kept calling her disgusting. everyone on the show thought it was ugly. my mom told me that girls like that never get any boys, or anywhere in life.
she couldn't be more wrong. shit, if she only knew. i want bones. i want to be like that girl, but skinnier. i hate all these people, these fucking hypocrites, who claim that bones are ugly but make fun of a fat girl seconds later. i hate all these girls at my school, the wannarexics who complain about their weight all the time for attention, they don't know the shit we're going through. ana isn't just a quick fix to lose weight, it's a force that's taken over my life and invaded every aspect of it. smile plastered on my face and baggy clothes on my back, nobody but you ladies know the shit i have to deal with every day. i hate those people who judge me and the girls i look up to, they have no fucking clue what's going on. i don't know why i'm so angry right now, but i really am.
i'm so sick of having to pretend that everything's okay. everything isn't okay. suicide enters my mind daily, but i'm too cowardly. add that to my list of faults. every time one of my friends at school complains about their problems i want to scream. at them, at myself, at the world, goddamnit i don't know. i can't take this anymore. i'm overwhelmed with everything i have to keep inside.
i'm sorry this is such a kind of long rant/post, i'm not sure what would happen if i kept all this inside of me. and i'm not sure i want to know. as mad as i am at the world right now, i'm really glad i have you girls here. you have no idea how much it means to me. i love your comments and i love your posts. thanks for understanding me and being supportive. i love you guys.
okay well i'm going to go take my anger out on my homework. yippee. i'll post later tonight maybe with weights/intake. i don't want to think about those numbers right now, i'll just get angrier.
xox liz


  1. Just gotta point out for a second that while it is slightly hypocritical of people to criticize anyone for being overweight or underweight PERIOD, EVER, because weight is personal and shouldn't be a matter of public discussion, in all reality the desired counterpoint of obesity isn't emaciation, it's healthy weight.

    While having all your bones visible might be your goal, it is not a goal that could be considered medically healthy, or something that a normal (I use this word so, so loosely) person would find aesthetically appealing or ideal.

    You have a right to find that body type attractive, but seeing as how you use the phrase "eating disorder" in your blog, you must realize that the word disordered implies that your perception exists outside of what is normal or healthy.

    You use the phrases "taken over" and "invaded" to describe the presence the ED in your life, so obviously you're aware that it isn't a walk through the park.

    Your family would not, nor could ever view having an ED as being a positive thing so their comments reflect the fact that they view the outward appearance of having an ED as distasteful.

    I hope you don't harbor too much anger over normal people behaving normally.


  2. Staving off suicide doesn't make you cowardly, it makes you strong. There is nothing cowardly about finding the will and the perserverence to push through whatever shit life throws at you. Keep your head up xoxox

  3. Well done girl, don't let other peoples opinions influence you- stay strong and show them what you got ;)! xxxxxxxxxxxxxx