Tuesday, November 30, 2010


i literally thought my legs were going to fall off today. i wore leggings and a big long sweater, and it's like 30 degrees here. baaaad idea.

i'm asking my mom to take me jeans shopping as a christmas present. i really want to try them on though so i'm not just going to ask for the jeans themselves. i asked her to come with me and after i try them on, buy them for me. sounds reasonable right? i hope she agrees to it.

i have to be at least 120 before i go shopping. i'd much rather be 115, my ultimate goal, but i don't know when the trip will be. i have to be 120 by christmas anyways, so i should be lower than that since the trip is after. jeans are kind of tough too haha. maybe it's just me but they feel like all my fat is all getting squished together and spilling out all over the place. i want boyfriend jeans, i've never worn them before, i wanna try them.. any other suggestions? what kind of brands do you like? i usually go to abercrombie but i'm not sure if there's another better brand.

that's about all that's on my mind ladies. all i can think about is christmas... all i really want is a decent scale but i don't think my mom would like that... haha. 

anyways, here's some jeans thinspo :)

abbey lee kershaw

daria werbowy

ginta lapina

bregje heinen

daria werbowy

bregje heinen

iselin steiro

iselin steiro

iselin steiro

iselin steiro

there are some real girl and some model pictures, all the names i know of the models are in the pictures. iselin steiro is a personal fave if you can't tell :)

hope you all are doing well! xox liz

as i watch 'thin' for the second time today...

i've realized something! okay so i know i gave you all the link to that documentary 'thin' like two posts ago, and i've been watching it nonstop, i couldn't figure out why. but kate saiiid in her comment (this is only part of it) "And I love that documentary, it is so sad. I do find it triggering... but not in a "thinspo" way... something."  which totally got me thinking about why i watch it. i also find it triggering, not in a thinspo way, but in a community kind of way. yes, i have you girls and i'm definitely not saying i don't appreciate/need you girls, i do, i love this little online community, you're all so lovely and supportive. but watching them and hearing them talk is almost like having four little ana friends who i'm listening to. and yes, i'm completely and painfully aware of how god damn pathetic that sounds. i've made friends with anorexic characters from a documentary. but their constant talking about food and calories and wanting to purge is a spoken narrative of what's in my head. it's comforting that they're there and feeling the same type of pain i am. and, everyone knows that misery loves company.

another thing, i haven't been neglecting your comments basically during most of november, all though it may seem like i have :( i love you girls and your wonderful helpful and supportive words of wisdom. i get my little email notification and read each one of the comments over and over :) it feels like this month has been really long for some reason... so to all the girls who commented during this long month:  not.quite.ana; Kate; teaspoon; VictoriaCrimson; Thin_Envy; Lovely Me; Frenzy; Depressed Skinny Mess; kazehana; gem; BellaAna; Kristina; used for : glue; glmx; Almost.Skinny; Sarah; Sea; zette  i love you all and thanks for the wise words, basically that's directed to all my 36 followers, i thought i'd have zero for the longest time, it's a wonder that i have you all. thanks for listening to me babble :)

soo december starts tomorrow and it's a very cold month, a little sweater thinspo is required.

may your sweaters always be cozy and your legs that stick out from under them always be skinny :)
xox liz

Sunday, November 28, 2010

well i caught up on all your posts! sorry i didn't comment very often, i'm really tired. i got back from new york at 1 am last night and had to get up at 7 am. yuck.

when i got back i weighed 125 and this morning i was 124.5!!! after a couple hours, after i'd eaten a disgusting 420 calorie muffin and drunk a lot of water, i was 125... i haven't eaten anything since but i have  a hard dinner to get through.

my aunt and uncle and cousins (i was at their house for thanksgiving) kind of suck at cooking... well they don't suck, it's just never all that great. well my parents and i 'redo' thanksgiving every year, instead of turkey we have chicken because my dad doesn't like turkey, no sweet potatoes (i hate them), stuffing/mashed potatoes my dad makes, and good cranberry sauce. so i have that to get through tonight and then i'm set. i can skip breakfast and lunch easily during the week, then i can eat a small dinner.

i wanna be 120 by christmas... cross your skinny little fingers :)
xox liz

Thursday, November 25, 2010

'thin' documentary and vs angels

you all should definitely watch this:


i'm rewatching it now... i think it's so good. it's so real. the girls are real and you can tell. some people are calling it thinspo but i disagree. i think it's just relatable, that's why i like it. i don't know, it's really realllly good.

and then this..:


now that's thinspo. i'm so jealous of their beauty, it's effortless. and unfair.

that's all i have tonight. i leave for new york tomorrow! i'll post when i get back, so happy thanksgiving in advance :) i hope it goes well for you all, i know it can be stressful but don't lose sight of your goals, whatever those might be. you're all beautiful and strong, you can get through it.

good luck lovelies <3

xox liz

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

i just tried to make a list of things that make me happy.

i could only come up with four.

cool. life is good.

also, i'm giving up on this no blogging until i'm 123, i'm still trying to get there, but i miss you girls.

i've been realizing lately how alone i really am. i can't talk to J anymore, my school friends have all changed and are different people now, my parents hate me, and my camp friends are basically gone.

i'm almost entirely and completely alone. 

and i hate it.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

J hurt me more than i ever thought he could.

the only thing worse than watching him feel horrible about it is the fact that i'll never able to forgive him.

i can't stop crying. i'm barely alive. i've never needed to feel empty more than i do now.

this isn't my post saying that i'm back, i just needed to say something, i don't know, i'm alive. there.

i'll be back soon, it may be longer than i planned but i'm on my way.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

i broke down yesterday while i was in the shower. i saw myself in the mirror after an afternoon of binging and couldn't take it.

i just sat on the floor of my shower under the hot water and cried for an hour. i can't take this anymore, i'm not in control and i hate it.

so i'm taking a little break, just from posting, i'll still try to keep up with your blogs and comment, but i don't want to post until i'm 123.

hopefully i'll be back soon :)

xox liz

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

let's have a toast to the douchebags.

i'm giving up on M, he's just not worth all this effort... hahaha.

oh and he acted like he was mad at me today for hours at school just for fun. he said that he was just kidding and wanted to see how i reacted. duh i reacted poorly, i ignored that asshole! it was so rude, i'm sick of him.

anyways, that's not what i wanna talk about today. i wanna talk about the fact that i gained FOUR WHOLE POUNDS. how the hell does that even happen?!? overnight! what the fuck???

i'm really hoping it's just water weight from all that lettuce... yesterday i was a rabbit.. haha.

today i was a bottomless pit. i think it's the lack of sleep, it makes me tired and dehydrated. i literally cleaned out my kitchen, i couldn't stop. and i wasn't full when i was done, i was just out of food. i probably ate about 1500 calories in one sitting. that's ridiculous.

so i figure that it's worse if i blame this all on myself. i think my negative attitude isn't really helping me any. i probably ate that much because i'm exhausted. so tonight i'm going to bed early and hoping that helps.

i can do this, i can get down to 121 by next week. it's not that much to lose, if all that weight this morning really was just water weight.

i've got all 32 of you on my side :) there was a while when i was preachin to myself on here, it's nice to know all you lovely ladies are there :) sorry i've been such a bad commenter, i'm reading i promise!

tomorrow i'm going to try to right the wrongs of today, wish me luck.

xox liz

p.s. thinspo post next time! i'm sorting my 845 thinspo pictures as we speak.. or i speak to you. i guess when you're reading this, i'm probably not sorting pictures. then again, you could be reading this right as i post it. or sorting pictures is taking a really long time. i hope it's not that option...

ack. i'll stop babbling. love you all!

Monday, November 15, 2010

muscle relaxants have weird side effects

i got one hour of sleep last night. uno, une, ONE. from 4:30 to 5:30. i was doing homework until late and then coughed up both of my lungs for a couple hours before falling asleep.

i've been looopy all day because i took these muscle relaxants (they were prescribed to me! i'm too tense according to my doctor) i came close to fainting like 5 times because i forgot to drink water. i also sat down with a bag of lettuce while watching tv and when i finally realized what was happening, the entire bag was gone. it's mostly worn off by now buuuut i'm still feeling a little weird.

well it's raining outside and i love dancing in the rain. and i've earned it, i only ate lettuce today.

hope all your days are going perfecto my lovelies!

imma be dancin'

:) xox liz

Sunday, November 14, 2010

thanksgiving goals, boys, and panties.

i fucked up on the fast, my parents took me out to dinner at this fancy shmancy restaurant in dc and i couldn't not eat. i haven't had anything to eat since so that's alright i guess. 

i think what i'm going to do for this week is have a 0 calorie (or less) total intake. so i'll fast as much as possible, but if i do eat, i'll burn it all off. i'm going to hit my next goal of 121 by 11/21/10, i've decided haha. that's 3 days before i see my super skinny cousins for thanksgiving.

i'm really excited for thanksgiving, i know that sounds weird but hear me out. at my aunt and uncle's house, the do not eat. it's wonderful. like food isn't a big deal for them, they eat little breakfasts, no lunch, and a small dinner, and that's it. it's awesome, i'm so excited. not eating a lot goes unnoticed over there, in fact it's weird if you do eat a lot. 

so hitting 121 when i get there means i can probably get down to about 119 by the time i come back on sunday, maybe even lower, i'll let you know when i get back since i won't have any internet connection there. and then it's only three more pounds until i'm at my new lw!

shopping in new york city on black friday at 121 pounds will be awesome, i'm so excited :) 

oh... and i've been kind of lying by omission to you girls... i'm still hooking up with my ex boyfriend, remember J? probably not, it's been a while since i've talked about him. we've been on and off since i was a freshman, 3 years about. we're like soul mates, right now we're doing this best friends that hook up kind of thing? it's pretty chill, i like it. it's not exclusive though, so i still am going for M hahah ;) anywho, this may be tmi but we had the best sex in the whole world on friday. i was awesome, if i do say so myself hahaha. 

so afterwards we were just kinda laying there on our sides talking to each other, still naked.. he knows about my struggle with food stuff, basically all the stuff i tell you, and he asked me if he made me feel good about myself. i said that yeah, being around him made me more confident and happy, since he's someone who i know thinks i'm pretty and likes me for me. then he went on to say that he doesn't think he compliments me enough and wants me to know that he'll think i'm beautiful no matter how much i weigh. it was just a really sweet conversation, it didn't change my mind about eating or wanting to be skinny, but it made me pretttty damn happy :)

ah exciting news! my mom got me tons of panties from victoria's secret, you know that part of it called pink? well they sold 7 for $25 panties and my mom made a deal with me that if i got rid of the ones i have now, she'd replace them (i don't know why she cares, the ones i have now are from the same damn store...). so i bought 21 pairs...... haha see the thing is by the time they come, she'll have forgotten that i need to throw the ones i have out, so i'll have like 50 pairs in total. i don't know what i'm going to do with 40 pairs of underwear... but outsmarting my mom through this feels awesome hahaha

weeeeell, that's my boring rambly life. i hope you girls are doing well, i need to get caught up on all your wonderful posts! xox liz

Thursday, November 11, 2010


i'm 124 bitches!

okay sorry. it had to be done. i was 124 this morning! granted, it was like 124.7, but still, it's under 125! finally, damn it. but i had to eat dinner so that sucked. it was burger night and my mom was being a bitch. so i had about 700 calories overall for the meal and 0 for the rest of the day. i walked for about an hour and burned about 200 calories i think, so 500 for the day? i'm kind of unhappy with that, i wish it was lower but i was way too tired to exercise a lot today.

sooooooo the entire day, i swear, my brain and my mouth WERE NOT connected. i was saying the dumbest things and rambling all the time, it was horrible. i feel like sending an apology message to all the people i talked to today, they deserve it hahaha i would have freaked myself out.. 

i haven't told you ladies about boys in so long, but honestly not much has happened.  i still have a crush on M, and he still is being mysterious about who he likes. i'm like 80% sure that he knows i like him so that's a little awkward... pile on the fact that i was talking nonsense today and i'm pretty sure he thinks i'm nuts. great.

on the other hand, one of his extremely attractive best friends was hitting on me today, which is a big deal because the guy is usually an asshole to everyone. i know i know, i shouldn't go for his best friend, but lets be real here. there are a total of about 10 attractive guys at my school and it's not my fault they're all friends. it's theirs, they should have planned for this..... i'm totally kidding by the way... but it is rather inconvenient that they're all friends. 

oh! and i was procrastinating on my homework on facebook (as usual) and i found this picture:
the girl on the left has the body i want, obviously.. she's really pretty although it doesn't really seem like it here/you can't really see her face. and she's super skinny. like this is one of the pictures where she looks larger than she normally is. the girl on the right speaks for herself. i don't want to be the fat friend anymore. 

i've been shopping on victoria's secret a lot lately, i know i talked about the bathing suit i got in my last post (the box shipped today!!!). i have some really old underwear that i need to replace and my mom offered to fund new underwear purchases from Pink as long as i get rid of the old ones i have now, soo i'm kind of REALLY excited. the sale is until monday and it's 7 pairs for $25... i'm thinking of buying a lot... i know my mom will pay for 14 pairs but i kind of want 7 more... or even 14. i'm sooo addicted to shopping, but i can't help it! i love clothes. especially underwear. i know this will sound weird, but i love running around in my underwear, especially on a day i'm feeling skinny... it's just so damn freeing. i love having the house to myself, i can do everything half dressed. especially pink/victoria's secret. lace, frills, bows, sequins, bright colors, if it's from victoria's secret, i'll wear it. plus it's great wearable thinspo, just buying it and wearing it makes me want to be thinner. i wanna be that cute skinny girl in the adorable panties. god i'm such a freak hahaha.

so i'm off to buy more underwear. cross your fingers for 123 tomorrow morning ;) i'll let ya know.
xox liz

Wednesday, November 10, 2010


god damn it, i'm so sick of being 125, i've been 125 for the last few days. i can't stand this. i have no clue how to get out of this rut. i'm not happy with this weight.

i haven't eaten anything today, i love this feeling of being empty and clean and pure. i know a girl who is in a treatment center near my house and has to have 1500 calories a day.  i was thinking about what i would resort to if i couldn't restrict, i don't think the result would be very pretty. feeling empty is my vice, if things are going wrong in my life, nothing matters as long as i'm empty. but if i'm full and things go wrong, i don't think i'd be able to handle it. i'd probably drink a lot, like some of my friends, but worse. or take pills or smoke all the time, i don't know. i hope i'll never have to find out.

ahh, i just tried to think of something to say that'd be a little happier and i don't have anything.. as depressed as that little bit above sounds, i'm really not that depressed i promise ladies! :) not much is going on in my life right now, my life is pretttty boring. i have alright grades this year, i'm really trying to get them up though, i want straight A's. probably not gonna happen but i've been trying super hard. and i'm really sick of my friends too, so it's really just easier to retreat into myself and not talk to people as much as i used to, and just stay home and do my homework. i've turned into a little recluse haha.

except for on here though! i love you guys. i lost a follower a day or two ago, trying not to take it personally, i think someone just deleted their blog. but thanks for all the comments and support, i'm pretty sure i'm following all of your lovely blogs, but if i missed a few, just leave the link and i'd love to follow :) there are a few of you i haven't heard from in comments or posts for a while, and if you're still out there reading, know that i'm here for you and i'd love to talk if that's what you need. my email is on my profile, it's beautyisanecstasy@gmail.com. i don't check it that often since my real email is my name and i don't want to use that on here, but if you email me at that one, i'll give you the one i use most and we'll talk there. or there's facebook, aim, whatever. i'm here for you girlies, i hope you know that because i love you all :)

that's pretty much it for today, hope you all are having/had wonderful days.
xox liz

oh p.s. i got a bathing suit from victoria's secret! i know it's kind of off-season, but they were having a 75% off sale so all their suits were like $5 and $6, it was nuts, i had to buy one. the sizes were a little effed up since most of them were sold out, they sold out within hours! but i bought:

with solid pink bottoms instead of polka dotted ones. i also got a thong that's cute and ruffly :) all that was about $20,  i'm so pumped. all though i won't be able to wear the bikini until 1. i'm skinny and 2. it's summer, it's a nice inspiration.

Monday, November 8, 2010

pandas, penguins, bunnies, oh my!

so i saw this really gross picture today on the internet of a girl who died.. i'm not describing it, it's too gross (people need to stop posting gross pictures on the internet, i hate it), BUT i decided we all need a little more cuteness in our lives. so here you are ladies:

i looove penguins :)

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. i die of saying aw every time i see baby animals. one of my weaknesses. but then again, i'm a teenage girl... i deserve to be a cliche every once in a while right?
i hope that put a smile on your beautiful faces.
that's all for today, no talk about food or cutting or pills or restricting or unhappiness.
just innocent baby pandas, beavers, clouded leopards, hedgehogs, bunnies, otters, and penguins.


xox liz

Sunday, November 7, 2010

stuck in a rut rut rut.

we have this song at camp, it's really stupid, it's all about coconuts and ruts and how there's a coconut stuck in a coconut rut. all the little girls love it and all the older girls complain while they sing it, but secretly love every line.

all i can think about is the rut i'm in. i'm a fat round coconut stuck in my fat round coconut rut.

i can't even figure out how long i've been stuck at 125. and i'm doing all i can, it's not enough. i had 300 calories yesterday and according to this calories burned calculator, i burned 652 (by jogging and walking and carrying kids around while i was babysitting and cleaning my house).. i dry heaved once and came really close to fainting twice, it was great... so my net intake was -352. and i was still 125 this morning. how is this even fucking possible? i'm doing this for like... two more days and if i don't see a change, i'm just going to fast and continue with exercising that much, so my intake will be even lower.

and i'm super cold, i don't know how to stay warm, it's so frustrating. i'm constantly dressed in dozens of layers and under a bunch of blankets. grrrr.

on the plus side, i got new shoes yesterday! one pair of black flats and one pair of booties, i think they're super duper cute. i don't know what to wear them with though... haha. this always happens to me, i buy things that i don't know/have anything to wear with and then they just sit in my closet forever.

oh and i found these tortilla/wrap things that are 100 calories and have 12 grams of fiber, and they're tomato basil flavored.. they're the best things ever. i'm obsessed with them, i'll eat half usually, they're so good. i've also been obsessed with frozen fruit recently, Almost.Skinny gave me the idea. i found frozen mango and raspberries at the grocery store, and i lurrve mango and raspberries :)

i watched 16 and pregnant today... that show makes me never want to have sex ever ever again. or live in new jersey... sorry if any of you live in new jersey, but all i have to base my opinion of the state on is 1. jersey shore, 2. real housewives of new jersey, and 3. some crazy mom with a weird lisp and her pregnant rebellious daughter on 16 and pregnant... it's the creepiest show, don't ever watch it.

hmm.. i think that's all i have to update you guys on, i'm going to post more often, i promise! i think i promise that every time... but i really want to try to post more, i'm slackinn.

okaaayy, my post is kind of all over the place, sorry! thanks for reading and welcome to the new followers, love you all! :)

xox liz

p.s. my thinspo collection is over 700 now..... so i'm doing a thinspo post when i get around to sorting through it all.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

i'm feeling really depressed again. i want to crawl under my covers and stay there.

i keep hearing people on the show what's eating you and on these blogs saying that they're getting help because they want to live.

i feel most alive when i'm starving...


everything that's in my head won't come out of my mouth, i can't put it into words.

life's too hard today. hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

my uterus hates me.

i feel like a drug addict but it's all for a good cause. i've been pill popping all day but my cramps are so bad, i'm allowed to. hahaha.

i could listen to mumford and sons for the rest of my life. i can't get enough of them. :)

today was okay, not horrible but not great. i babysat the most adorable kid in the whole entire world this morning, and he's usually a sweetheart but he wasn't feeling that good and he got really whiney. but that's okay, he was cute anyways. and i got to skip breakfast and lunch, i had half of an asian pear as a snack and then had a mini binge on halloween candy... chocolate is my weakness. that was about 250 calories. then i had a wrap for dinner that had a tomato basil tortilla (100 calories- i absolutely love these things), a piece of turkey (40 calories), two pieces of bacon (100 calories), and mayo (100 calories). it had a lot of veggies on it but i don't feel like counting them right now. so, i'll just round up, we'll call it 700 for today.

i just finished watching world of jenks, which is a great show by the way, and it was the episode where he followed a cheerleader/dancer around for a while. i've been craving more halloween candy, but i'm resisting it because of how skinny the girls that were auditioning for the titans cheerleading squad were on world of jenks.

i hate halloween candy. yet i love it. but i need to get out of the 125 plateau, it's so frustrating. i really want to be under 120 and in the teens. but i need to get to 123 first. my period should help that, i usually drop weight after it, my appetite goes away.

that's all for tonight, stay beautiful lovelies.
xox liz

p.s. if anybody wants to be friends on facebook, email me! my facebook is completely free of this side of me, so anything discussed on here can't be publicly discussed on my wall or anything, but i'd still like to be friends with you ladies on there! email me at beautyisanecstasy@gmail.com and i'll friend you or send you my facebook name or something. love you girls!

Monday, November 1, 2010

the rally to restore sanity!

the rally was AMAZING. this post isn't going to be very long because i just got home from a party to make curfew and i'm sneaking out to go back in about 15 minutes but i really wanna tell you guys about the rally :)

so we got to the metro station (subway, underground, whatever, in dc it's called the metro) and it was packed, like think of the subway cars in japan? yeah. packed. there was a half mile line just to get in the station apparently, but by that time i was already on my way to the rally. a fight broke out in my metro car though, a woman needed to get on the train and people weren't letting her on because there was literally no more room in our car and she started cursing and scratching everyone because apparently she needed to go to the rally much more than any of us did.. so that was pretty dramatic haha

i was originally in a group of my friends of about 15 people, only 4 of us made it onto a metro car, and only 2 of us made it all the way to the front of the HUGE crowd. for those of you who don't know dc, the mall is this huge grassy area that stretches from the washington monument to the capitol building, and is a couple miles long. it was filled with people. the front of the rally was by the capitol building and when we got out of the metro station, we were about halfway to the front.

my friend and i met two guys who were in college and one of them was dressed as a pirate... they weren't cute BUT the pirate had a sword and he put it out in front of him and led us through the crowd. he got us almost as close as we wanted to be, and this was about a third of the way through the rally.

there were people climbing trees, i swear it was the scariest thing to be standing there trying to listen and have people rustling above you... and people were on top of port a potties (the portable bathrooms), it was ridiculous. so the pirate and his friend climbed a tree as my friend and i pushed on, we pissed off so many people in the process but who cares, it was awesome.

we got to see jon stewart and stephen colbert (obviously), ozzy osbourne, kid rock, sheryl crow, the oj's, tony bennett, and the roots. ozzy osbourne's performance was my favorite by far, he sang crazy train. for that one, my friend and i had climbed on top of a large truck to see with a bunch of other people who were all stealthily smoking pot (you could smell the pot just walking around, a lot of people with signs to legalize weed) and i literally felt like i was in woodstock or something. it was awesome haha. and jon stewart and stephen colbert were HILARIOUS. they did these little like fake debates and they were so damn funny. jon stewart had a really good speech at the end that he concluded with "if we amplify everything, we hear nothing" in reference to the media blowing everything out of proportion (the main theme of the rally). it was inspiring and funny and just all around fun to go to. :)

so yeah, that was the rally. i'm sure there are tons of details i'm forgetting. like tons. i burned about 600 calories walking around though. i walked in dc for a total of like 7 hours that day. it was awesome.

so i have to climb through a window and try to not wake up my parents... wish me luck. i'll post more tomorrow lovelies <3

xox liz

p.s. here are some pictures i took. i don't have many because i was deathly afraid my camera (otherwise known as my baby, a nikon dslr) would get broken somehow:

the stage where they all performed with the capitol building in the back. nobody's on stage now, this was after when everyone had started to leave. 

one of my favorite signs that dayy

it's hard to see but that's how huge it was. in between the 2 center trees you can see the jumbotron i eventually got past and then to the stage after that, all thanks to the pirate.