Thursday, June 24, 2010

tell me what you know about them night terrors, every night

"I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold
I'll be fine once I get it, I'll be good.''
-Pursuit of Happiness by Kid Cudi

So I've been reading Wintergirls, which is one of the best books I've read recently, and I just finished it legit like 10 minutes ago. I might accidentally give something away, just a warning, but I'll try not to. At first, her success with anorexia made me want to try harder. I read about her journey and how thin she was getting and couldn't help myself but turn green with envy, especially when she reached 100 then 95 pounds and just kept dropping weight. But then I realized how much her life sucked when she just kept losing weight, the cutting and lonliness and haunting didn't seem like somehing I wanted to put myself through. 
Then there was a question someone asked on a blog I follow, wondering what was going to happen after we reached our goal weights. I tried to think and find out what I'd do when I got there. I mean, what is there to do? Anorexia and starving myself will be the only things I know and am good at. It'll have taken over my life and I won't be able to stop. I'd love to never stop, just to keep losing and losing until I fade away but then again, there are some good things in my life, how am I supposed to just let them all go? I don't know the answers to any of these fucking questions. If any of you have any advice, I'd love that. But, for right now I'm taking a break. I need to sort lots of things out. Sorry it took me such a long post just to get to this point, my bad. But anywho, I'll probably be back soon but right now I just need to sort through this confusion that's taking over my brain. Stay lovely girls, do what makes you happy and healthy. Xox be back soon. Liz.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

just gonna stand there and watch me burn, that’s alright because i like the way it hurts

New eminem cd and I adore it. I don't normally like rap but he's wonderful.
A teeny bit of my favorite thinspo for you all, I thought my blog needed a bit of color and beauty. Annalynne Mccord, Dianna Agron, and Keira Knightley are my absolute favorite thinspo, being both thin and beautiful.

heads up, stay skinny. xox

my day, everyday.

I face the mirror and strip down, one piece of clothing at a time. The black skirt to slim my stomach. The shirt that hides my fat. The spandex underneath it all to keep me contained, prevent me from spilling out onto the floor, a blubbering mess of insecurity. Hunger gnaws at my ribcage and the emptiness expands throughout my body. I feel light and free, like I could fly away from my dysfunctional self at any time. I put myself on the scale and watch the numbers go up and up, but stay lower than the last time I put myself through this torture. I think about what I've put myself through in the last year. The fasting, the lies to myself and everyone around me, the slowly shrinking body I live in. I know there was some point in time where I was taught to be disgusted by this, that malnutrition and bones and emptiness were bad. What I don't understand is how feeling this good, this empty, this thin, could be bad. I have more to lose, will I feel it then? When my spine raises itself from within my back and my hipbones cut through my jeans, will I change my mind? I hope not, I hope I never recover. I want to continue down this road, to lose and lose and lose until there is nothing to lose anymore. Until I fade away, a bony light girl forgotten.

Monday, June 21, 2010

i told you to be patient, i told you to be fine

Soo guess who's 130 now? This girl. Made my day. I've cut way back on calories, but I'm trying to keep it varied so my metabolism doesn't .
My mom's almost walked in on my writing this like two thousand times, fuck doors that don't lock.
Anywho, I went to Chipotle today, it's like the shit at my school. And it's so annoyingly good, I can't not eat anything when I go. I went with my friends too so if I hadn't gotten anything, they would have noticed. I hate when friends think they're watching your back by making you eat when really they're just making you unhappy. I know, they're trying to take care of you and be supportive but I don't need that. I need support in the opposite direction, if they saw how obese I really was, they'd realize that. And it doesn't help that they're super skinny either. One of my best friends, lets call her N, is the skinniest girl in the most perfect way, it's so fucking annoying. She's tan, has abs and nice legs, and big boobs at the same time. It sucks. And there's another girl, we'll call her E for right now. She is ridiculously skinny. Her hipbones wear holes in her jeans, they stick out so much. And I'd use them as inspiration if they worked for their bodies, but no. N and E both eat so much, I'd kill to have that metabolism. I have to go eat with my parents. I hate food.

Okay I'm updating this a couple hours later. I ate a burger and some lettuce. And P (remember him from the last post?) is being really cute. But I'm starting to realize and feel like that with all my problems and dishonesty about eating and how I like about what's going on in my head to him, I feel like I really just don't deserve him. I don't know how I'm going to go through this constantly feeling like a shitty person because he's so goddamn sweet but we'll see. Maybe I'll tell him about it all?.. hahaha. Nope. Night girlies, it's almost 11 on the east coast and I still have finals. xox

Sunday, June 20, 2010

come on skinny love, what happened here?

Okay so when I get obsessed with a song, I listen to it over and over and over. New song obsession: Skinny Love by Bon Iver.
Anywho, I went to the beach yesterday and today. I totally felt like the fattest cow in the entire world. But one of the guys that was in the group I went with and I totally hit it off. We knew each other and had hooked up before but this time was different. It was just so comfortable, I felt like I could trust him and tell him everything. We'll just call him P for right now. The trouble is, a lot of my friends really don't like P. They like him as a friend but he can just be a bit socially awkward. That all goes away when him and I spend time together but my friends don't realize that. It sucks dick.
I almost told him about this, everything, about ana. Almost almost almost. Closest I've ever come to just outright telling anyone. We went to Rehoboth beach in Delaware, which has a huge boardwalk and a nice beach with these big white life guard chairs big enough for two. We climbed up and sat in one as we watched the sun go down behind the boardwalk. He had been with me the entire day and was watching what I was doing/eating. I was trying not to exceed 300 calories that day so I only drank one of those Arizona Arnold Palmers (150 Cal) and ate a thing of fruit snacks (80 Cal- I know they're for little kids but they're just so damn good!) Anyways, he asked me why I'd been avoiding food all day, when went out to dinner I didn't eat. I was so close to telling him but I just... I didn't want him to try to help. He's one of those guys who wouldn't let that go. And watch me eat, try to change my mind. He's too nice, he cares too much for me to be able to tell him anything.
P leaves for Ireland in 8 days. He's going for a month. And I'll be off to work at my old summer camp in 4 days and I'll be gone for a month too. Then after that I come back for 6 days, then I head to London for about 17 days. He wants to go on a date in August, when I get back. I need to be skinny by then. Not just like average skinny, like the girls I saw at the beach who were so skinny they turned heads. I want that, I want to be elegant and graceful. I want thin thighs and a flat stomach. I want my hipbones to be at least fucking visible. I want the collar bones, the ribs, the shoulders. When I'm back in August, I'll be at 116 lbs. And P will notice. I promise.

Well that's it for tonight, thanks for listening to the boy talk haha stay skinny loves xox liz

Oh and P.S. just a tip: if you're au natural and don't shave your pits, don't wear sleeveless shirts everywhere. And especially don't wear a strapless dress to prom. I don't understand why people at my school just don't get that. Yuck yuck yuck.

Friday, June 18, 2010

little piggy

so I was cleaning my room and found this box that used to be for stationary:
but I filled it with cutout thinspo pictures. I felt really clever.. haha but if my mom finds it, I'm screwed. My aunt was ana when she was younger and my mom knows exactly what to look for. She's already constantly suspicious when I skip meals but this would be the cherry on top of my therapy flavored cake. My gym final was horrible and I had my last full day of school. Which, yeah I'm excited for summer but that means I'll be home for lunch. At school I can just throw/give away all the food my mom makes me take and my friends are used to it, I just tell them that I eat after school. But now if I skip lunch, and on top of that dinner, at home, with my parents there, they'll notice. Does anyone have any good tips to make them not notice? I'm at a loss right now, I can't think of anything..
I'm seriously dreading this fucking beach trip. I should be excited, there won't be any adults, I love the people who I'm going with, and it's a vacation. But I'm a fat pig, and not a little piglet either like the cute one on the box. No maam, I'm a fat pig and I'm gonna be in a tiny little bathing suit, parading my cellulite all around the beach. What a fun fucking weekend right?

avoiding studying...

I have a gym final. A GYM FINAL. What the fuck? Like did I miss something here, perhaps the moment when gym became a class that someone actually cared about? Oh and lets make this more fucked up. It's on three sports: Badminton. Tchoukball. And Ping-Pong. Like, they came up with the three stupidest sports of all time and decided to waste an hour of my time every day teaching them to me. And this final counts just as much as all my other finals grade-wise. Fuck this shit. Tchoukball?! Tchoukball is something some dumb ass teacher made up when their gym class had a ball, two trampolines, and it was raining outside. Goddamnit I hate high school. And Ping-Pong. I mean.. come on guys, Ping-Pong. That's just fucking embarrassing.

I also have history finals I'm procrastinating for... and math... and science. I won't be able to study this weekend either, I'm going on a beach trip with some of my friends. Worst fucking nightmare, there are going to be bikinis and flat tummys/asses everywhere- except on me. I totally forgot that it was happening this weekend, and like the fat ass I am, I've been pigging out all week. I haven't gone over 200 calories on thursday and I don't plan on going over 300 tomorrow.

Cross your fingers, I hope I'll be at least only slightly obese this weekend! xox

Thursday, June 17, 2010


I have never ever had a blog before, so this is weird. And confusing. I'm so bad with websites and stuff, it's so embarrassing. I hope to keep this up though, we'll see what happens! To get right into it, I am struggling with anorexia and I have a mild case of obsessive compulsive disorder. I have no doubts that I will end up writing about that. I am pro-ana. If that isn't what you want to read or if it offends you, I suggest you leave, this isn't the page for you. So yeah that's pretty much it, yay first post! :) xox