Wednesday, February 16, 2011

oh fuck it, here we go again.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

goodbye girls.

I don't know where to start. I'm laying in bed typing this out on my iPod, that's why all the punctuation is all correct and shit. I got a new scale, my old one was adding at least 10 pounds. My mom wouldn't let me see the number but she said I'm far too underweight.

So... I've lost my taste for food, no pun intended. I don't get hungry anymore, I don't want food. I have to be forced to eat. 

Isn't that what I've always wanted? 

Why aren't I happy now?

So I've proved to myself that I can be something without food. I only need very little to survive. The fat that clings to my body isn't there anymore, it's not slowing down my movements anymore, I'm free. The stairs don't creak as I walk on them anymore, the small bits of ice in the gutter don't crack when I walk on them. I've gotten to the point where I don't feel energized after I've eaten, I feel worse, depressed.

So who wins? Technically I'm thin now (although I don't feel it) and my bones stick out. And that's all I have to show for it. What have I won? It's easier to name what I've lost. My friends are literally all gone. My parents are tired of me and disappointed, I've lost them. I've lost my creativity, something I used to pride myself on, because I can't focus on anything but not eating. I've lost my personality, that sucker is long gone. 

So what have I won? I have hipbones to show, but who's around to show them to but the empty, black eyes staring back at me in the mirror.

I'm 16 and I'm a little girl again. I have he emotional range of a ten year old, happy, sad, and scared. I have no curves, I look prepubescent. I'm afraid of the fucking dark.

What 16 year old is afraid of the dark? In the dark I have to face myself. Starving isn't the disease, it's the symptom of something worse. When it's dark I cant see my progress or what's left to fix. I'm stripped of all the superlatives I've worked hard to get rid of and achieve, all that's left is my faulty mind.

I'm skinny. But I'm alone too. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm empty.

I haven't won. The force I've worked so hard to beat has beaten me. It has taken control and isolated and hurt me.

Food has won. 

I might post again, I might not. Goodbye girls.

For maybe the last time,
a hug and two kisses as usual,

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

take me out, fuck me up

i literally only have five things to say... life's boring at the moment
1. i was 121 this morning!!!
3. i got a shit load of presents for christmas and it was awesome
4. i hope you all had lovely holidays :)
5. listen to this song, i like the words

soo some cintia dicker thinspo:

she's so gorgeous
as are all of you :)
hope you're all doing well, xox liz

Friday, December 24, 2010

i don't go around fire expecting not to sweat

sorry i couldn't think of a title so it's lyrics from an eminem/lil wayne song, called no love. it's an amazing song, i adore both of them.

i know i've been a terrible follower recently, i'm super sorry. i don't feel like i have anything important to say and i definitely am in no position to be giving any advice. i've been reading though, i haven't completely abandoned you all. i'm not a failure in that way.

i wrote out all these comment replies, but they were just so awkward, i'm having an especially awkward day haha but thank you all so much for supporting me, i really really really appreciate it. i read your comments over and over, they really mean a lot to me.

i've been reading portia de rossi's book, it's really really wonderful. it makes me cry sometimes, just because i see some of myself in some of the things she does. she's a wonderful writer though, and so honest about absolutely everything, i really recommend you all read it.

i'm trying to open up about one thing every post, just so you girls get to know me a bit better.... so today, a little about what goes on in my head... i have two voices, one that tells me i'm fat and one that says fuck it, eat. i don't think that i actually hear voices, they don't sound like someone in the real world talking, it's just like there... i know that makes no sense, but i really don't think i'm as crazy as this sounds. the first one tells me that i'm disgusting and a pig, i don't deserve to eat ever. the other one tells me i deserve it, i skipped breakfast and lunch, so why not eat dinner. or that my intake is already so high that it doesn't matter. i feel absolutely crazy, just completely psycho. so i was wondering, do you all have this thing in your head, like a running commentary on everything you put in your mouth? am i absolutely nuts? be honest.

okay a progress pic. now i've posted the first two images once before but i updated the last one. 
i'm not sure what the first weight is, then 130ish, and 124.
picture's been taken down for anonymity purposes, sorry.
i can't look at these, especially the first picture, without gagging. i want to put purell on my eyes.. i'm really so sorry you have to see that, i'd give you some bleach for your eyes if you were here.

sooo basically this post summed up in one phrase, i'm a crazy fatass... hahaha.
i hope you all are doing well, thanks again to those who commented, and to those who read. 
stay skinny
xox liz

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

she says she's fine, but she's going insane.

i feel like for some reason my posts have been really superficial lately. this post is actually about food, i don't think i've ever shared my habits on here or what days are like for me in respect to food. soo here it goes, opening up.... kind of nervous haha i rarely do this on here, never in person. okay.

i'm so tired of everything. i'm physically exhausted because i put off my homework until 11 pm, all during the day i'm counting calories, obsessively cleaning my kitchen, reading about nutrition and what kind of foods to avoid, weighing food, preparing food meticulously and then throwing it out before i eat any. it's exhausting and it takes forever. i have no time for school anymore.

and then there the days i binge. it takes about 10 minutes for me to ruin an entire afternoon. i eat a tray of cookies, a bowl of pasta, sandwiches, some cereal, whatever i can find, as quickly as i can. and it takes me hours to get over it. i sit on the bathroom floor, crying because i feel so sick and full, but also because i don't have enough courage to purge it all up. lying in bed, tortured by my bloated stomach, wishing i could go back to the nice empty feeling i'd had all morning. weighing myself over and over, doing anything i can to get rid of a half of a pound. i read somewhere that dead skin could add up to an extra pound of weight so i spent an hour exfoliating until i was raw and scraped all over. after yesterday's binge i sat in ice water for 3 hours crying. 

and it's all worth it. my grades have dropped in all of my classes, i have no more friends, my relationship with my parents is shitty, i haven't been able to focus on anything but this. but it's worth it. that euphoria when i find out that i've lost another pound is better than any high i could get. this has become my drug, losing weight my addiction, and i have no intention of recovering.

xox liz

Sunday, December 19, 2010

take it easy baby, make it last all night

first of all, you girls are hilarious, i love you all so much. i've decided to ignore the girl that i talked about in my last post, she's a waste of time, i agree. thanks for being funny and sweet, it's nice to have you all on my side :)

sorry for being such a sucky poster/commenter lately, i've had tons of homework lately, it's taking up too much of my time.

i'm like super inspired right now haha, i know that sounds weird but i am. not so much about losing weight, but about art and what i want to do when i grow up.  my mom's friend had this christmas party that i just got home from where i met this guy, maybe like 40 years old who is an artist. he's not super rich or super successful but he's super happy. and he said that when he was going through highschool and college, he didn't focus so much on what exactly he wanted to do, he knew that he loved art and he loved what he did and having that would get him far. his confidence and success was so inspiring, it's really hard to explain, but i'm in a really good mood right now :)

sooo thinspo today is carmen kass:

agh i love her! i want that body, long and lean.

goodnight lovelies, i hope you all are doing well :) xox liz

Thursday, December 16, 2010

i knew i'd found what i was looking for

i don't understand why some people are such bitches, honestly. this girl who i've always hated recently found out that i was in a group of people who were ALL talking about how big of a slut she is and she decided i'm the only one she's going to be mad at. and she just updated her twitter (i refuse to use the word tweeted.) "Your stupid saggy ass isn't even remorseful for what you did. I hate you." yes ladies and gentlemen, that's me, good old stupid saggy ass.  yaaaay.
i could whine all day about how much of a bitch she is buuut she'll eventually figure it out. and eventually her metabolism will get slow so all the mcdonalds she eats every day will go straight to her thighs and she'll puff up. and then i'll laugh.

fuck high school.

on the plus side, my stupid saggy ass is getting smaller. or at least it should be... i weighed myself this afternoon after drinking like 12 gallons of water and came in around 122. also considering all the bingeing i've been doing lately, that's an alright number.

also, i found this video that i think is the most adorable thing in the whole entire world. not only do i like the song but the thing the guy is trying to do is so cute. watch ittttt.

I knew I’d found what I was looking for
Sitting indian style, on the kitchen floor.
You’re like pretty Grace Kelly in a black and white scene
And you’re batting your eyes cos you know it kills me.
You think you feel my heart jumping through my chest?
When you look at me it beats three times as fast.
And all of this is passing us too quick for regrets.

i hope i meet a guy that would do something like this. i see all these loveless marriages and relationships, the people in them are so used to being in them that they just stay there, no matter how unhappy they are. i don't want this to be me. i think i'd rather be alone then be completely unhappy... i don't know. i know it sounds like i want a boyfriend right now but i don't think i want one in high school. it's not worth it to me. but what if i don't find one ever? aaaaaaargh i worry too much.

it's thinspo time, today it's karlie kloss.

yeah, right.

golly she's gorgeous. okay i have a french paper to edit and i have to be up in 5 hours. fuck lifeee.

xox stupid saggy ass liz

(sorry still a little bitter hahah)