Saturday, October 30, 2010

because i see sparks fly every time you smile

first of all, M is the most adorable guy in the whole world. i wish i could put all of him into a post and show you all everything that makes my tummy do flips. he makes me forget about everything bad in my life. i don't know how he does it, but he does. and he's good at it.

i know last post i said that i really needed a hug and i felt the love from all of you commenters, i love you girls so much. thanks for all your support. trust me, it really really goes a long way, i'd feel so alone without you all. i couldn't have found a better community to be a part of. and i know i'm not playing my part as much as i should, i want to comment more and i will, i promise! if i'm not already following your blog (i tried to follow everyone who follows me), just comment and leave the url or something, there are a few cases where i can't find one, so just lemme know, i'd love to follow all of you :)

to follow up on my last post, i had a talk with my mom. well.. less of a talk, more like a complete emotional breakdown. we got in a tiny argument and i just burst into tears and ran to my room, like the most stereotypical teenage girl (oh and taylor swift lyrics are the title of this post. excuse how much of a cliche teenager i am...). anyways, she followed me up and sat with me for a couple hours, holding me and talking to me and giving me tissues. i was just so tired and stressed and sick of everything. i didn't tell her about ana but i told her all about how much i struggle to keep up in school and how i don't think i'm as smart as the other people in my classes. she just listened and told me that she loved me, like a mom is supposed to.  it was nice to feel like her little girl again, even if it was just for a couple hours. i've missed her acting like a mom and treating me like her daughter.

i haven't hurt myself since the last post, i'm not promising i won't, i'm just saying i haven't. i have these big ugly cuts on the side of my wrist now, i feel really ashamed. but i know that will probably wear off when i get in that kind of mood again, but i don't know. we'll see, i'll let you all know. 

i was 126 this morning... not happy with that. i hate being stuck in this area of 125 to 127. i want to push myself lower and lower, but it's not working. i'm about to start my period so i'm always constantly craving, hopefully i can resist. i want to be 120 so badly.

on a completely different note than all this, i'm going to the jon stewart rally tomorrow! it's actually one of the most exciting things i think i've ever done. obama's supposedly going to talk and all these singers are going to be there and it's going to turn into a giant concert. i don't know for sure, those are all probably rumors but anyways, i'm really excited. i feel like i've lived next to dc my entire life, i should at least take part in something like this. this is the website, apparently 100,000 people are coming to this, and not only from dc, from all over the country. i hope i'll be able to work my way up towards the front, it shouldn't be that hard, i know the place where it's being held really well, and most of the people coming from out of state don't. i'm really really really excited, i'll let you girls know how it goes, and i'll take pictures :)

well i hope you're all doing well, again thanks for all the support on my post a couple days ago. i love you so muchh. 

xox liz

p.s. i'm recently obsessed with the band mumford & sons. i recommend checking them out, i think they're awesome. <3

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

i'm sorry..

last night i self harmed, i know i told you that i wouldn't but... i deserved it. and it made me feel better. so i'm not going to promise that i won't do it again, i want to do it again, but i'm going to try to make that a rare thing. i don't want to rely on that, i have too many bad habits already.

it's taking all that's inside of me not to crawl into bed and not come out for a couple weeks. i'm disappointed in myself, both for a: having these thoughts in my head that i want to starve and b: the fact that i can't even do it. i can liquid fast and restrict as much as possible but when it comes to an actual fast, i fail. i'm just so fed up with myself and this and everything i my life, i'm exhausted and i have no energy left.

you girls are the only people i have to talk to, and i hope you know how much you all mean to me. i was thinking of telling my best friend about all of this and all these thoughts i have but now i'm not so sure, i don't know how she'd react. i'm still thinking about it.

i need a hug right now... haha. that's the only way i can think to put it. i feel like a little kid but i really just want a hug from my mom. i know that sounds dumb, i just miss being her little girl, i don't want her to see me as her fat reject teenager anymore.

i miss being the perfect little girl, i want to be her perfect little girl again.

that's pretty much it for tonight, i hope you all are doing well. i love you girls so much.

xox liz

Monday, October 25, 2010

another novel, my bad

so i was 127 today but i think it was just a temporary thing. i'm lactose intolerant and i had eaten a lot of dairy yesterday so i wasn't feeling well at all today. luckily it's getting better but still, i need to watch that. it turns into bloating like you wouldn't believe.

liquid fast is successful so far today! i had a cup of Campbell's to go tomato soups, which are like my favorite (120) and water. oh and 3 grapes (about 9 calories i think, they were small) but my blood sugar was so low, i thought i was going to simultaneously throw up and pass out all during school.  i had the soup at about 3 in the afternoon so the morning was pretty tough.

okay so the boy sitch... WELL.

M is the cutest boy alive, in my own personal opinion. i have a slight bias. but we hadn't been talking a lot last week, we were both really busy and although we had a class together, we had to take notes and a test and write an essay, therefore not a lot of time to talk. he was acting kind of distant, which sounds weird because we're not distant, but crushes can act distant right? i'm pretty sure you all know what i mean haha but he was acting weird and i was really put off by it. i don't like having to try harder than the guy does, it bugs me and i usually drop them soon after. but he totally made up for it today. in my opinion, he was super flirty, it really seemed like he likes me. he was all touchy and would lean in to talk to me and there was a point where i had to whisper something about a kid near us in his ear and he didn't lean in like a normal friend, he leaned in like we were about to kiss or something... it sounds weird, but it was really exciting haha.

so yeah. he's cute. BUT, as i was put off by M this weekend and it was homecoming, i hooked up with another guy. i don't hook up with people randomly very often but i don't think this guy is going to matter at all. i don't even think i need to assign him a letter, he's cute but i don't know him very well and i don't think i want to, he seems boring.

next weekend is Halloween... it's a big fucking deal here and i'm not sure why. girls buy the sluttiest and most expensive costumes that are completely ridiculous. the one part i do get though is the fact that they diet for weeks in advance. everyone wants to be able to have a bare flat stomach. so while i'm excited for Halloween, i want to be 118 by then and considering that it's sunday.. i don't think that's going to work out too well for me :( but i'll try my best and see where i end up. i'm too lazy to make a plan right now.

comment time! i'm really bad at replying to each comment by themselves, i get distracted and yeah, SO i'm going to just reply to them all as a whole... sorry i'm so lazy :)
but thank you girls so much for your sweet comments on my pictures, i'm leaving them up for a couple more days but they'll delete after that. and as my mom goes... she can be a great woman.. sometimes. she has her moments, and i think that i may paint a horrible picture of her but she isn't like that all the time. she's got a warped body image and idea of what a teenager should be like, because of her childhood. my grandfather is way worse than she is. he's been making comments about his grandkids acne since we all started to get it, for example, as if we aren't self conscious about it enough. and he also nit picked about weight, he hardly eats anything. this made my aunt anorexic in her teens and she still only eats salad. i'm pretty sure it had an effect on my mom too, although it probably wasn't as visible. unfortunately, it manifests when she comments on my appearance. i don't know where i stand with my mother, she's horrible and wonderful, it all depends what day it is. but thank you all so much for the supportive comments, i know that i shouldn't let her get to me, but it's hard since i basically agree with her comments. it's helpful that she's off my case about eating (since she saw me in my homecoming dress) and i bet when she sees me leave the house on halloween, she'll decide i need to go on a diet, which would be nice... if it worked.

okay so this is the last thing, sorry my posts have been so long lately. i'm pretty nervous for thanksgiving... so you'd think that i'd be nervous for the fact that there's a lot of food and people to eat in front of and it's going to be stressful. it's the opposite for me. i'm going to my aunt's house, the recovered (maybe?) anorexic one, in new york. she has two children and a stock broker husband and they live in a perfect brownstone next to a really nice side of central park and go to private school and run track... and are SO SKINNY. i'm so so so jealous of them, especially my older cousin. she's gorgeous and a sophomore in college and so thin and muscular. there's never a lot to eat during thanksgiving, it's pretty easy to avoid food. and i love that. but i hate walking around with my cousin, never being as skinny as her. so that's my inspiration. her. with that, i'm going to black out her face but use her as thinspo this week. the pictures will delete in a day or so.

thanks for reading lovelies :) xox liz

pictures of my cousin are gone, sorry girls

update: 1000 calorie binge... cool. i'm going to be doing sit ups all night.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

this is a long post.. but i have pictures!

hey girls :) first of all, i've missed you like crazy. i know i didn't completely go away, but i felt detached. but now i'm back. :)

i'm at 125 right now, and i feel like i've gotten my shit together a little bit. i had a kind of epiphany last night? i realized that this is what i want, i want to restrict and i want to starve and i need this to live. 

now, homecoming was also last night, but before my epiphany.. soo as promised, here are some pictures. 

pictures were deleted

sorry, i cut my friends out, i don't wanna include them in this.

so yeah, that was homecoming. i know i kind of look like i'm going to a funeral, but that's the only dress i could find.. haha. so the night kind of sucked, the one party that was going to actually be fun got cancelled and we ended up waiting for our table/food at p.f. changs forever... next weekend should go better, cross your fingers. we have a 4 day weekend, it's one of my friend's 17th birthday, and it's halloween. oh, and jon stewart and stephen colbert are having these funny/political/joke rallies in washington dc, which should be fun. jon stewart's having a rally to restore sanity and stephen colbert's having a rally to instill fear. i love them.

speaking of washington dc, i went downtown for some physics extra credit today. there was a huge science fair so my friends and i went to goof around and get the points. it ended up being really fun, just screwing around with them. here's me today, again, i'm cutting out my friends.

they've been deleted

soo that's today, that's what i look like. these pictures are going to delete themselves soon, i hate having pictures of myself up on here. if someone finds this, i'd be so screwed.

i've been watching what's eating you. i hate the parts when you can hear them vomit. but... i don't see problems with these people's bodies.. i'm mainly talking about adrienne, who i'm watching right now. i actually like her body... i mean i know that's wrong, but i do. i felt horrible for the guy in the second episode. he has so many problems, his life is so complicated, i don't know how i'd deal with that. i wouldn't, i think i'd be just as troubled as he is. i know i have some issues but nothing close to his. poor guy can't even make eye contact with anyone. 

i bought these soups, some are 70 calories, some are 110, and some are 120. they're super good and they fill me up so i think that for this week, i'll just have one of those a day and drink my tea. grapes are optional, i usually snack on them at school when i get nauseous/my blood sugar dips. this weekend i've been building up my metabolism to prepare for the week. in other words, i've been eating. i had a chipotle burrito today (over 1000 calories...) and frozen yogurt (i'm guessing about 200. it was pink guava flavored and it was amazing). i feel like such a failure already today, but i'm making it up for it tomorrow. tonight i'm having fajitas for dinner, but i don't know how much i'm going to eat of those. i'm hungry again, but it's gotten really hard to eat around my mom. she told me my dress gave me a muffin top last night at homecoming (the first two pictures) and offered to buy me new, bigger jeans in the bottom 3 pictures because she didn't think i was fitting into those ones. i can feel her watching me when i eat and it makes it impossible. the judgement is overpowering. i feel like that fat little kid being pushed around in ballet class all over again. skinny is the way to go girls, never forget that. nobody wants to be or be near the fat kid.

i think that's the reason i've had such a hard time lately, because i feel like that fat little kid again. it's not like i'm tormented at school or anything even close, but i've been distant from my friends. i'm the fat lonely teenager now and it's depressing. but i'm not going to be fat anymore. i'm back on track gosh darn it! 

okay, for those of you who are still with me, sorry for how long this post is. i didn't mean to write a novel, i just got carried away. and i didn't even address the boy situation! argh. i'll save that for next time. i love you all, thank you for supporting me while i was struggling. i can't thank you enough :) 

xoxoxoxoxox liz

Saturday, October 23, 2010

and it's draining all of me
they find it hard to believe 
i'll be wearing these scars for everyone to see.

i'm not back for good, i'm just saying i'm still alive... i miss you guys a lot, it's hard to not post. but i really need to get back on track. there's not going to be another post until i am.

i'm just letting you all know i'm still alive, no pills and no purging. also no successful restricting, despite my best efforts. homecoming is tonight and i'm ready to look like a fat pig for it. i met two guys last night and i'll be seeing them a lot tonight, so that should be interesting. M and i are not going in the direction that i wanted us to. my moms being less of a bitch and my aunt is basically supporting my disorder.

i'll update you ladies on all of that when i come back, i promise.

i'll talk to you again when i've got my shit together.

i hope it won't be long, i'll try harder.

i miss you all, hope you all are doing well.

xox liz

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

i'm terrified but i'm not leaving

i know that i must pass this test.
russian roulette by rihanna. i adore that song.
so many comments on the last post, wow i love you girls. i'm sorry the pictures didn't work out very well, i don't know what happened.. i might try to fix it, check back in a couple days. but thanks for all the comments, you girls are awesome.

anyways, good news and bad news...

bad news first....
i'm out of control. i'm in some kind of funk that i can't seem to get out of. and, like the title, i'm terrified but i'm not leaving. i'm terrified that i'll never be able to get out of this, i can see myself swelling up to official balloon status, going back up to my high weight. so i'm taking a little break. i'm tired of feeling like i've failed you all and myself. i don't want to sound selfish, i'm so proud of you all, but coming on here and seeing how much you're losing makes me feel like a failure. so i'm just taking a couple days off,  it's not anything drastic, i'm not leaving, (hopefully that's the good news, depending on whether or not you like my presence here.. hahah) i'm just not going to be posting until i get my shit together. hopefully, i'll be back by like tomorrow or something... i just need to get organized and get back on track. i'll still try to comment and read your posts, i don't wanna miss anything in your lives! :)

so that's about it. i'm awkward with goodbyes, if this even counts as a goodbye. thanks for all your support, i love you all. i'll be back soon, i'm not leaving. i'm just on a posting hiatus.

xox liz

Sunday, October 17, 2010

i'm a complete and utter failure.

i've let myself down, i've let you girls down, i've let ana down. binging comes daily now, i can't control it, i can't control myself. i have to try harder. this isn't too hard, restricting isn't hard, i just suck at it. plain and simple.

side note: where are you girls? i haven't heard from some of you in a while, everything's okay right? i'm worried. don't just leave like this ladies, you're stressing me outt. let me know if something's wrong, i'm here for you all whenever you need it.

oh and my homecoming dress! i never posted pictures.
ignore my obese limbs..
 these are my shoes, it's hard to see here but they're little peep toe booties
sorry for the awkward pose, i was trying not to fall over.. haha

all of the black kind of looks gothic but... hopefully i'll find some bright jewelry and i won't be in complete blackness. in those pictures the dress hasn't been fitted yet but i got it tailored and it should be done by tomorrow.

i need to be 118 by saturday. friday is the homecoming game and saturday is homecoming. as of this morning, i'm 125. i was almost 123 yesterday morning, i was so close.. but i lost it with the god damn chinese food. so that's a little more than a pound a day, i can do that right? maybe? hopefully? ugh...

so yesterday, i measured my body fat percentage on like 10 different websites and averaged them. i got 16.9 % which is absolutely fucking disgusting. apparently i need to be 103 pounds to have 0% body fat. oh i wish

i bought some low fat 100 calorie tomato soup for this week and i'm super excited for it. i also bought some tea, i've always really loved tea but i never really get around to drinking it all that often.  i think this week i'm going to do a liquid fast. i want to at least eat healthy because i feel so gross right now. i just found out that when i sit down cross legged on my bed (like i am now) the fat from my butt and thighs squishes outwards and blends with my love handles. my hipbone barely pokes through. i'm disgusted with myself.

there's not much of substance to post about, i haven't had much to say on here recently.... i think it's partly due to the fact that i feel really out of control and like i've let myself go. i've been binging too often, i need to feel empty again. then my life will be back on track.  when i have food in my stomach i feel ugly, disgusting, disorganized, like a complete mess. so my goal for this week is emptiness. wish me luck.

xox liz

fuck chinese food. my intake for today was somewhere around 30 calories.

it's about 600 now. 

and i know this isn't the first post on here where chinese food has ruined my day...

i'm pathetic. 

staying up and not going to bed tonight so i can do my sit ups and jumping jacks.

i'm so close to purging, i can't think of anything that would feel better than throwing up right now.

but i can't. i promised myself.

no puking and no pills.

they're just so tempting...

Saturday, October 16, 2010

rambling post.

i'm so full of water right now. i just chugged 5 big glasses so about 60 oz. i don't really know why.. i wasn't that thirsty, just kind of bored...

i had the best lunch today, it tasted so good and made me not hungry but i wasn't overly full (until i drank all that water, now i feel like an over filled water balloon). i had half a can of tuna (70 cals) with 3/4 a tablespoon of mayo (75 cals) on half a piece of pita bread (157 cals) and three cups of butter lettuce ( i love this stuff: 21 cals). this all came out to be 323 calories but i worked my ass off on the stationary bike and burned 300. so my total is only 23 calories for today :)

so i did a drawing for my art class that i thought i'd put up. art (photography drawing and graphic design mostly) is a big part of my life and i don't really address it as much as i should on here. so here's the drawing i did, it was for a project where we had to draw a paper bag...:

stressing about someone in my art class seeing this, so it's gone now. excuse the paranoia 

i'm pretty proud of it haha. sorry for the bad quality i took it with my phone camera.

so i'm re-watching the recent office episode, i love it. i love the office. it always cheers me up and puts me in a good mood. i have all the tshirts and props, those little things they sell on the nbc site.. i'm kind of obsessed.. :) haha.

oh! and my grades have started to get a lot better. it's so relieving. i got my 64% in honors math up to a 82%! and i have an 91% in both AP us history aaand AP english language (AP is advanced placement, they're basically college classes that are available to highschoolers, they count as college credits). and i have 100%'s in both photography class and french class, and a 90% in art class and a 88% in honors physics. i'm super proud of all those, they're like the best grades i've ever gotten. :) if they stay where they are for my first quarter report card, i'm asking for an iPhone. i really really really really want one, my phone right now is sooo crappy.

i'm in a pretty cheery mood, and i had nothing really of substance to say.. haha sorry for the rambling post. i'm gonna read all your posts now, i hope you're all doing well :) love you girls.

xox liz

i love annalynne mccord.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

short post, i'm exhausted.

to lovely bones, frenzy, and twigs can fly: i can't tell you how much your comments meant to me, all of you girls are amazing. thank you so so so much for the support. you ladies made my day, i don't know how to thank you... i was in a bad place and you all were there for me, so thanks again. love you all.

i've thought about it nonstop since last night, considering whether i should do the skinny girl diet or not. and i've decided i'm going to at least try.

i need to stay away from the pills and knives and purging, i don't want to make those things into habits. but this starving and restriction is already a habit. i want the control and bones and i want to do this. i know it's an extreme diet and i really really really appreciate all the advice i've been given on it, but this is what i want.

i love you girls. stay strong and stay beautiful.

xox liz

oh and i realized i made this picture thing of me and i never put it up here.

i hate hate hate that first picture. more than absolutely anything. i had just eaten and look pregnant and it's disgusting. 
i also hate posting pictures of myself on the internet soo.. this will probably come down soon.

and it did, sorry. i'm not too comfortable with pictures of me up here. xox.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

beat me 'til i'm numb.

black, black, black and blue,
beat me til i'm numb.
tell the devil i said hey when you get back to where you're from.;
gave you all i had and you tossed it in the trash
you tossed it in the trash, you did.
to give me all your love is all i ever asked.
cause what you don't understand is
i'd catch a grenade for you,
throw my hand on a blade for you,
you know i'd do anything for you,
i would go through all this pain,
take a bullet straight through my brain.
yes i would die for you baby,
but you won't do the same.
grenade by bruno mars.

i love this song lately, i'm not sure why, i don't feel this way about a boy or anything.. i just really like the song. got it yesterday and it's been on repeat ever since.

sorry i haven't truly updated in a while, i went from posting everything i was thinking to posting things i would tell anyone every once in a while. but you girls aren't like everyone, i need to tell you things that i can't tell other people or else they get all bottled up inside me and i explode.

i came damn close to exploding yesterday.

so this week i've been realizing that my friends are shit. they're fake and bitchy, it sounds harsh but it's the truth. i can't pinpoint one exact moment or girl who's an example but being around them all the time has taught me not to trust them. i don't want to cut them off completely, but they're not good people and i don't think i can trust them. i've always thought i could. i've never felt more alone without them and i hate it. i hate being this fucking dependent on them.

it all fell apart yesterday, i was feeling really alone. like that type of alone, where all i do is sit in my bed, wrap myself in blankets, and feel sorry for myself. when people come near, i snap at them and bury myself deeper in self pity. it's quite pathetic. i eventually snap out of it after a day or so, but my mom didn't give me the chance to this time.

"you should really start running sometime."

i hate running, "you know i hate running"

"so? you think you're going to like everything in life? tough shit. start running"

"can we talk about this later?"

"no. get your ass out of bed and do something. that weight isn't going to disappear by itself.
homecoming is next weekend and you're not going if you look like that. 
it's embarrassing for your father and i."

yeah. they raised such a fat pig, that they're embarrassed for her to go to a school function in a strapless dress because people might see the flaws in their parenting.

and before this, i was fine. i'm not saying i didn't want to lose, i wanted to lose. but i have been losing, i was confident in the fact that i was getting better at this, i was losing at a steady rate and i was starting to see progress.

not fucking enough progress though apparently.

i almost almost almost exploded. i reached for the pills but decided i wanted to feel the pain, i didn't want it to go away. and i didn't want my stomach pumped again.

so i'm done. i'm done with food, i'm done with eating. it's getting me no where. i've had so many urges to purge lately, i want to throw up after every meal even though i've never purged before. i've only hurt myself purposely a couple times but i feel the need after every meal. i'm done with that. i don't want to sit there after every meal, wishing i was in a heap on the floor, sticking my fingers down my throat and knives in my skin. solution? no more meals. i want these feelings to go away. i want to be clean and pure and boney and happy.

my plan is to follow the skinny girl diet (ana-you inspired me, you're doing so well on it!) and fast whenever possible. so the skinny girl diet is gonna be posted in the side bar if i can figure out how ( i suck at technology....). my mom keeps reminding me of how obese i am every time i go into the kitchen so motivation probably won't be a problem.. and my thinspo collection's over 400 pictures now so.. i think i'll be motivated enough. fingers crossed.

okay. so that's the plan. and that's pretty much all i have to update you ladies on... thanks for listening, i'm sorry i've been lame about commenting, i suck, i know. but i love you girls. i'll start being a better follower and poster i promise.

xox liz

one of my favorites.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

sorry i haven't been posting, life's been


i'll update you guys with a real post later,

just wanted to let you know i'm barely still alive.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

it's always better when we're together

i'm loving jack johnson right now. not that i don't normally love him. but i'm listening to him right this second and he's wonderful :). same with jason mraz. i mixed all of their songs together into one huge relaxing playlist, it's the best playlist ever.

oh and exciting news! i'm going to a bob dylan concert in november! i love him. of course, i'm going with my parents... but that's because they wouldn't buy me the $150 tickets unless they could go too. i'm so so sooo excited.

so everything i ate last night did not sit well with my stomach. it was all junk food and my stomach is clearly telling me that i can't eat junk food anymore... i don't mind that at all, it makes it much easier to have healthy binges, but it's kind of inconvenient and uncomfortable when i forget and stuff myself with junk.

M won his football game last night, our team is still undefeated! he was supposed to text me after the game... but he didn't. whatever, guys forget shit like that all the time. and M is like a super lazy guy, all the other guys have nothing on him when it comes to being too lazy. if there's any work at all when going after a girl, he won't do it unless there's serious motivation. lets just hope i'm serious motivation :)

hopefully i'll look good for homecoming/halloween and M will make a move. the homecoming dress i'm planning to wear is black and strapless, tight at the top and then big around the hips... it sounds super weird but it's not haha i'll post a picture of it later. i need cute shoes to wear with it though since the dress is kind of plain. then halloween is when i have to look super hot. every other girl in my high school tries to look hot and i need to stand out from then. i'm thinking that if i have a sexy costume and i'm under 120 then that'll do the trick. i have no clue what i want to be...

and last, to goal_thin, this is the thing that we smoked out of, it's called a sherlock bubbler and it's for weed...
BUT i think the thing that you're talking about is what people where i live call a hookah like for tobacco, and i know what you mean, i loveee them :) we put different flavored tobacco in them and it's soo yummy.

okay well that's all for today ladies, i'm running out ideas for what to put in posts :( i think i'll do a thinspo post soon, we'll seee.

xox liz

just a short update, i don't really have much to post about...

i binged and was a complete fat ass today. i smoked and got so hungry, about 1500 calories, it sucked... but i smoked on this thing called a bubbler? i'm pretty sure that's what it was called. it was pretty sweet haha. i had some good times, i haven't smoke in a while. it was pretty awesome.

M and i are steadily moving forward... :) he bear hugged me today and tried to warm up my hands by holding them for a while (i was really super cold), so it's in the right direction. it seems as if he likes me, but just flirting with him itself is really fun. 

that's basically it, sorry i don't have interesting stuff for you ladies, i'm super duper tired haha. i'll post more tomorrow :)

xox liz

i love annalynne mccord.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

trying to stay out of the kitchen...

i'm so hungry. it's annoying, i don't know how to fix it. i might just go have a diet soda. i've had about 90 calories today because of a stupid chocolate raspberry luna bar. it was so tempting and i only ate half but i'm still frustrated with myself. i've gotten to the point again where any intake is a bad intake, i don't want to settle for an easy 500, which is what i've been doing for the last couple of weeks. 

i might try to make some low fat asian salad dressing but i'm not sure, the recipe i have has mustard in it and i can't STAND mustard. so we'll see....

M is just complicated. not much to update, except we're like best friends now... but other than that, nothing. 

my parents are going to be out until about 11 the night of homecoming which means... pregaming! we usually can't find a place to pregame but this time basically my entire friend group is coming over, there's going to be about 30 of us, i hope my house doesn't get wrecked... i'll be pissed if it does. 

i still need a dress. and shoes. and a date. damn it.

i'm looking forward to buying the dress/shoes though, i've lost a bit recently and i always feel good trying things on when i've lost. i've realized that i'm a full 10 pounds lighter than during the summer and i'm really happy with it. of course i'd like to lose more, i don't think there's every going to be a time when i don't want to lose more... but i'm happy with this loss, you can definitely see it a bit. i have cheekbones now? maybe. they're still coming in haha.

my mom told me i've looked thin lately while i was leaving the house this morning... which while it feels good, i have a tough time lying about it. i mumbled something about how i'm just losing the weight i gained this summer but i know she knows that isn't true. she knows all the signs, my aunt/her sister is a mostly recovered anorexic so my mom grew up next to an eating disorder, i'm pretty sure she'll eventually completely figure me out. hopefully i'll be out of the house by then... 

so, this morning i was 124! i think i'm on a bit of a plateau recently, i was 124 yesterday as well... i want that to change. it's the same was it was when i was about 133, i just couldn't get under 130. but i eventually did and i will with 120 too, i'm determined!

and the thing i've wanted to say most while writing this post: thank you girls so much for your concern on my last post. i appreciate it so much, i'm okay now and don't worry, i've learned my lesson. the pumping made me feel like shit and so did the pills. while they took away my problems for a couple hours, they fucked me over in the long run. things like that aren't going to happen again lovelies, don't worry. i appreciate your concern so much though, you girls are amazing and so special and wonderfully supportive and i love you all. i couldn't have been luckier in finding you all.

i hope you all are doing well lovelies, stay skinny. xox liz

update: staying out of the kitchen by posting worked! one 60 calorie hot chocolate makes it 150! and soup is for dinner. i'll probably be able to keep it under 300 today, yay :)

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

getting your stomach pumped is not as fun as it may seem

i've deduced that you girls are all correct. i need to watch the pills i take. apparently, two nights ago, i mixed too many together. that combined with no sleep and barely eating was not good. when i posted last, on monday morning, i think it was around 1 am for me. i went on to take tons more pills, i don't know what kinds. but judging by what was left in my medicine cabinet, it was a combo of advil and antihistamines and some sleeping medication. 
after that, it gets blurry. i remember seeing the ceiling but i don't remember getting the bruise on the back of my head. according to my mom there was an ambulance but i don't remember that. there was also a pump for my stomach but i don't remember that either. i remember waking up the emptiest i've ever been but the also sorest i've ever been. and i remember the bright lights. they kept me in the hospital to observe me for a couple hours. a counselor came to talk to me and reported back to my parents that there was no signs of me being suicidal. that didn't stop my mom from putting everything remotely medicinal into a box and lock it. she gave me a legitimately two hour lecture about how mixing pills was bad. and now i'm being watched by hawks.

i'm not really even sure why i took that many. i was tired and unhappy with myself but i didn't want to die. i think i just wanted to feel nothing, hence the mass quantities of pain medication. i'm not quite sure. i remember being tired and wanting to go to sleep, and i remember not wanting to feel my fat anymore.

luckily nobody at the hospital mentioned to my parents that they had barely anything to pump out of my stomach. the report was water, mostly pills, and barely any food. the counselor asked me why i had less food than normal people would have in my stomach and i lied and she totally bought it. something about not being hungry, i forget the exact lie.

but... i've learned my lesson i guess. so back on track. yesterday i was fed through a tube, because whatever they did to my stomach left it unable to accept solid food for a couple hours yesterday. i also don't do well with the numbing medication they gave me for my throat. today has been liquids since i've still felt a little weird. my mom's so focused on watching me around medicine that she doesn't watch me eat. today's been about 300 calories.

so ladies. don't mix too many pills. bad idea. stomach pumping hurts even if you're not awake for it, you can feel it when you do wake up. and your parents will go psycho. 

xox liz

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

my head is full of marshmallow fluff. my head feels like it's a million pounds and light as a feather all at the same time.

i had a dizzy spell yesterday in bed. the best ones are when you're laying down. the whole bed tilts forwards right until i'm about to fall forward and off. at first they're fun, getting flipped around and spun isn't that bad when it's gentle. sometimes it's not gentle though. sometimes i flip upside down and scream until someone is able to shake me out of it. 

so you're witnessing crazy zero sleep liz. i'm strung out on multiple types of pills, whatever i could find in my kitchen, i took. my fat and flab and squishy marshmallow-y body was aching so i started with advil and just kept reaching for bottles.

it's been exactly 39 hours since i slept last, for more than an hour at least. i get into bed and roll around but i can't sleep. i hide it pretty well during the day but now the crazies come out.

i'll maybe post again tonight. probably not. i feel empty and light. time for another dizzy ride with my marshmallow head. xox liz

Monday, October 4, 2010

drama, drama, drama.

i had a ridiculously dramatic day... i hate dealing with drama, i never know what to say or do and i get annoyed and it's horrible. M hooked up with a girl (i care but i'm not sad/mad or anything), and that girl's best friend likes M too. i had classes with both of them (separately thank god) and i had to hear about how much they loved M and blah blah blah whatever, but neither of them know that i like him a lot. so i didn't really care, but having it rubbed in my face all the time was getting annoying. so i had to put up with that all day...

but then i got to my last class, the one i have everyday with M, and we talked about it and......  he doesn't like either of them! he regrets that night, wants to be friends with both of the girls but just friends, and we had this whole long deep conversation about what he should do. we ended up even closer after just like an hour and a half.. it was great. his friend likes me still though... i'm not sure if i told you girls about that but yeah. his best friend... bad situation because if his best friend likes me, he can't. i don't show the friend any signs of liking him back but he's an idiot. M knows that i know too now, and i told M that i'd never like his friend, and now he keeps bugging me about it. it's super annoying. i've decided to completely stop talking to his friend (who's actually kind of a douche bag so i don't feel that badly) and i'll see how that goes.

i really like M though... like a willing to wait kind of like, and that sounds weird but i don't wait for boys,  i usually just move on. but i realized today that i can live with just talking to him, even that makes me feel special. he's got amazing eyes, they're so blue. and he makes eye contact all the time, we bump into each other and i can feel it minutes after. he's just... wonderful haha.

anyways.. to my safe haven, ana. being empty all day helped a lot, it's comforting. i had about 200 calories when i got home and a diet soda, and i'll probably just say i have cramps and skip dinner.

i have to do a practice sat today and tons of homework and babysitting and yuck. at least i'll be making some money... only about $20 but still, it's money haha. i need to weigh myself tomorrow morning, i have no idea where i stand right now, and that's bad for that plan i put together... i just get up so early i forget to weigh myself (i get up at 5 fucking 45 am, it's ridiculous!). but tomorrow i will, i'll write something on my hand :) i'm thinking of starting the ABC diet, if anyone's interested in joining me, just let me know!

okay lovelies, i'm off to do my shit ton of work... i hope you all are doing well, stay skinny! xox liz

Sunday, October 3, 2010

can't think of a title, sorry guys

i got my period today, i know this could be tmi but as far as i know, all my followers are female so it's not like this is anything new... cramps like a motherfucker but i know i'll lose weight when it's over, i'm never ever hungry on my period, only in pain. and i can pop pills like an addict the whole week with no questions. i think this is a win win situation overall.

i just finished volunteering at the art festival in my town. it was a pretty damn good work out. i carried tables and boxes and equipment all over our park for about 5 hours. and got a super fun golf cart ride out of it haha. those things are awesome.

i weighed myself this morning and i was 126 with wet hair and clothes on (i didn't have time for a proper weigh-in) so at least i'm somewhat maintaining. i have this super cute dress i'm going to wear after my period's basically gone, in like 2 days (hooray for having super short periods!), if i make my goal.. which reminds me...

my goals/rewards:
i made a plan to be 118 by homecoming and i still want to stick with that. homecoming is in 3 weeks and i only have like 7 or 8 pounds left. soo...
by 10/9/2010 i should be 123 at least. hopefully more with the whole period thing... but if i set my expectations too high and don't make them, i'll be pissed. at that point, i'll go shopping to get my homecoming dress (hopefully- it might get delayed to the next weekend depending on my schedule).
by 10/16/2010 i should be 120. then i'll get my shoes (which i'll splurge on) and halloween costume. yes,  they'll be selling them then they're even selling them now lol.
by 10/22/2010 which is the homecoming game, i should be 118. if i am, then i'll buy more new clothes that weekend/week. maybe even a size 4 or even 2 jeans?? lets hope, fingers crossed.

as long as i stay under 120, i'll go shopping more often. the second i get over 120 i won't let myself wear any of the new clothes i'll look too obese in them. but as long as i'm under 120 and stay there, i'll be okay.

oh and by the way, those 100 calorie fruit cups suck dick. just eat regular fruit ladies. i usually love those things but these ones taste like the metal cans they come in. yoplait lite 100 calorie yogurt is awesome though, in strawberry or peach. i'm surprised because i'm normally not a girl who likes yogurt but i love this stuff. i can't eat it often because i'm lactose intolerant though.. but i do anyways lol.

and my stomach has like lost the ability to process really fatty foods by the way... i've always eaten majority healthy food, we don't have a lot of junk food at my house and my parents don't make greasy food, it's mostly organic. but when we go out to eat or i go with my friends to eat, i can't eat everything, i throw up anything remotely greasy. i don't mind it, it keeps me from binging on crappy food. puke really really really grosses me out, i have major problems with it, so i try to keep from puking as much as possible. so i've been avoiding greasy food as much as possible.

OH GUESS WHAT?? so there was this huge party last night, not huge.. but like... nothing goes on where i live so this was a pretty big deal. i went super late and stayed for about 10 minutes and went to my friends house to smoke hookah but that's not the point. M and i were talking about the work we have to do for homeroom tomorrow and i mentioned, good job at the game friday and he said 'thanks :) i looked for you everywhere at ___'s party but i couldn't find you...' and he kept going on about how i should have stayed and we could have hung out etc, it was so exciting! :) he like thinks about me outside of homeroom! it sounds stupid but it's a step lol. yay! made my day haha.

well.. i'm having soup for dinner. i had chinese food for lunch, i don't even want to think about the calories, although it was mostly plain white rice... anyways, things should start looking up, i'm already a lot less hungry than i normally am! i'll keep you girls updated, hope you've had awesome weekends. stay skinny. xox liz

i want that stomach...

Saturday, October 2, 2010

i love public radio.

okay. the football game...
worst. football. game. ever.
i barely knew anyone, none of my close friends were there when i got there. so i sat with some girls who just complained about their boyfriends the entire time and it was horrible. i sat with M's best friend for literally about 10 minutes when people starting asking if we were dating. no, not me and M, me and M's best friend. i texted my friend talking about how ridiculous that was and she told me that M's best friend has a thing for me. sure, i'm flattered. but i'm not attracted to him and he's really boring... so no. that's not ever happening. and also? if M's best friend likes me, M has to respect that and can't make any moves. on the plus side, M looks really hot in his football uniform and our team won 14 - 7 so we're undefeated!

but here's the worst part. my best friends, like since 5th grade through thick and thin best friends, all came without me. they had been hanging out, every single fucking one of them together without me. they came for about 10 minutes, said hi quickly, then left without saying bye. all of them. just walked right out of the bleachers and forgot about me. this wouldn't be such a big deal if they hadn't been doing this all the time recently. i'm so sick of it, my friends suck ass. literally. i hate high school.

on the plus side, i got to skip dinner. totally ruined it today with a like 500 calorie sandwich. i couldn't help it, my mom made me it and watched me eat it. i feel disgusting now. my stomach isn't as good as processing fats as it used to be. i get stomach aches and pains, it sucks. i need a detox plan for tomorrow. i feel greasy and fat and bleh. i was 125 this morning, despite all the recent binges. i really want to get under 120, i'm determined. my appetite always goes away on my period and then i get used to not eating as much and THEN i can lose a lot :) haha i'm excited. it's a new month and a new start.

another thing. i'm determined to get M. deeetermined. this happens a lot, it turns into a game for me and i have to win.. and then if i do i don't usually want the guy afterwards. i know that sounds horrible and cruel but.. it's fun. boys a cruel, girls can be cruel too right? but sometimes it turns out that i do want the guy. that's how J started out at least and that turned into a relationship that's been on and off for three years. so we'll see about M. haha.

i think i need some goals. i mentioned putting some together sometime, they're nice motivation. i need to go shopping so that's definitely going to be on there. well... i don't need to go shopping haha i want to go shopping. but for smaller clothes, i don't want to get some clothes now and then lose weight after my period and then have to go get more clothes. and by the way, my feet got smaller? i used to wear these ballet flats when i was over 130 that fit perfectly and now they're way too big. and shoes i've grown out of are the right size now? has that happened to any of you girls/ is that normal? i'm pretty confused... there's not a whole lot of fat on your feet. and i'd rather be losing fat from my lovehandles/tummy/thighs/arms/anywhere BUT my feet. skinny feet and a fat body don't go well together.

okay so this is the last thing i have to say: my thinspo collection is HUGE now. over 250 pictures. i've been saving pictures that i see on the internet and that you girls post to my ipod (so nobody can find them unless they look really hard and i can take them with me where ever i want). i'm going to post one every day i think. or more than one. we'll see how it goes.

i hope you ladies are doing well, thanks for reading if anyone's still with me, i know this post is kinda long. stay skinny! xox liz.

that's emily didonato, love her.

p.s. thank you all for your lovely comments, i'm catching up on your blogs tonight i promise! xox

Friday, October 1, 2010

new month, new start

i'm a big believer in fresh starts and i like the idea of using october as a fresh start for losing weight, cutting myself off from everyone around me, my grades, everything.

we have a huge football game tonight. and i mean huge. it's going to be broadcasted on the news as the game of the week. the school we're up against is extremely competitive, they get like 300 people to show up to their games and they take over the opposite team's bleachers. that's not happening at my school, i'm actually going to this game and hell will freeze over before anybody at our school lets them take our bleachers. our school is so spirited, it's so intense haha. but anyways... i hate games lol. like really, i hate football games. i have to find people to sit with and it is awkward when you're wandering around looking for people and it doesn't sound that bad but it is. if it doesn't go well, whatever, i'll just go home early. 

so apparently lots of girls like the cute football player in my homeroom, M, that i talk to a lot.. i expected that but his best girl friend likes him and he'll probably ask her to homecoming, not me, which is a bummer. he's really cute. he's the captain of our undefeated football team too... and so cute. haha. we'll see about him and homecoming.

i'm literally about to start my period any day now. sorry if that's tmi but it's true lol. and it's making me eat a lot. today i had a sandwich (about 450 cals) and some yogurt (50 cals). i just realized i can skip dinner though! scoree. so that'll put me at about 500 calories for today. yay! good way to start off october :)

one bad thing though is that i got my interim grades (halfway through 1st quarter they send out marks). and i got horrible scores. i'm saving it for monday to tell my parents. it's not going to go over well...

lastly, and as usual, thanks for your comments lovelies and welcome to the new girls. i hope all of you, new followers and the regulars, are doing well :) i've been trying to keep up with all the posts of the blogs i'm following but i've gotten behind lately, sorry! i love you girls, thanks for all the support.

i should get ready for the game... wish me luck on being able to skip dinner. until next time loves. 

xox liz

i love her hipbones and legs.