Friday, September 17, 2010

my story. this post's a long one..

i've fasted since about 8 yesterday. i'm 125 now i think, but my scale is a liiittle iffy so i don't really know for sure, which stresses me out a lot... i'm on the verge of binging but i just started watching america's next top model so i'm pretty inspired by all these skinny pretty girls. i'm not so hungry anymore.
a little about my day, it was prettty stressful, i bombed a test and fucked up my in-class art project. but the cute football player held my hand in homeroom! my homeroom is my last class and it's history, i like teased him a bit and he teased back saying "go die" (that's like a normal thing to say at my school, i don't know about where you guys live) and i rolled my eyes and he grabbed my hand, squeezed it, smiled and said "don't, i'd miss you too much"... eeeek! :) lol i'm such a teenage girl.. it's pathetic haha. but he's super cute.

okay so more seriously, i promised a little while ago that i'd tell my story on how i came to have this body image and horrible relationship with food soo.. here it goes.

ever since i can remember, my pet peeve and the thing that absolutely grosses me out the most is the sound of chewing. i think it's the most disgusting sound in the world, even my own chewing, as weird as that is. when i was really young, about 5 years old, i'd avoid the sound of my own chewing, so i'd avoid food. i know that sounds weird, but little kids are illogical, i was illogical. in addition to that, i was a skinny little kid already. i lost a lot of weight, to the point that it was unhealthy for my age. i never learned proper eating habits because i didn't need them. eventually, i got over my being grossed out with my own chewing, though i still can't listen to other people, but i started eating like crazy. at school i'd eat two lunches, the one i brought with me to school that my mom made and one that i bought. my dad would make a sandwich for me every day when i got home from school and i'd have that in addition to dinner that night, which usually included a second or third helping. i gained and i gained and i gained.

i didn't realize it at all. my dad's nickname for me changed, and when before i was called things like 'sweet pea' around the house, he started calling me 'mighty whiteys', a name inspired by the size and paleness of my thighs. (the nickname hasn't changed, he still calls me that.) my 'friends' stopped talking to me and hanging out with me. when i asked them why, they said i was embarrassing. i was in 5th grade, 10 years old, overweight, and friendless... it was pathetic.... so in 6th grade, one day before ballet class, i was getting changed with all the other girls, when one of them points at me, laughs, and simply says 'you're fat!'. half the girls started giggling, the other half held it in with pity in their eyes. it was right then that i decided that i never wanted to hear those words or be in that situation ever again. my aunt used to be anorexic and my mom told me all the stories of what it was, how she did it, and how it worked. so i decided that that would be me. i restricted, binged, exercised, did anything i could to lose weight. i would lose a lot, then gain a lot, then lose a lot and over and over and over. there have been days when i've felt indestructible, like i was on top of the world. and there have been days where i've been at the bottom of the heap, cutting and contemplating suicide. things have taken a turn for the better lately, i've been happier than usual but all the while i've had ana accompanying me, ana is a comfort to me and a reassurance that i'll never be that fat pale kid being laughed at in her leotard. while i may still be fat and pale, i know i'm working towards bones and i know that ana will help me there.

so that's my story. there's only one other person on this earth who knows it, but i encourage you girls to tell your stories too. it doesn't have to be to your friends or family, that's virtually impossible, i know. but write it down. maybe you only click the save button and keep it in your lists of posts to edit, or maybe you take the leap to publish it. but as i'm realizing now, it feels good to get it out. know i, and tons of other girls on here, will always be here for you.

thanks for listening lovelies, i'll update later. i hope you all are having good days, stay skinny
xox liz


  1. It's beautiful hearing such honesty from you all. Maybe one day i'll have the courage to tell mine- well done, it must feel like such a weight off your shoulders. (excuse the pun ;) ) stay strong- you've proved yourself to be brave, honest and courageous in this post, so you can definitely do this. Love, H x

  2. Children can be so cruel...

    When I read this, I think about a girl in my class whom I worry about. She's taller and heavier than any of the other kids. I could wear her dresses as long shirts, no problem. She's bright, amazing, good at certain abstract things in a away that most kids even 3yrs older than her struggle with.

    But the little girls she's friends with and plays with are scrawny little things, all legs and arms and in gymnastics classes together. They hurt her feelings just by being themselves.

    I wonder all the time if she'll internalize the feeling that she'd be happier or freer if she was thin. Her mom is tall and athletic, big all over but in a strong, physically powerful way. I'm hoping the messages she receives at home will counterbalance the meanness she's sure to encounter from her peers.

    Ummmm that was a random ramble. I'm sorry.

    But thank you for sharing. It defintely creates a more detailed picture of you, who you are, what you're like.

  3. oh, and reciprocally, here's a link to the entry I wrote while you were on hiatus that kinda explains why I am the way I am.