Sunday, October 24, 2010

this is a long post.. but i have pictures!

hey girls :) first of all, i've missed you like crazy. i know i didn't completely go away, but i felt detached. but now i'm back. :)

i'm at 125 right now, and i feel like i've gotten my shit together a little bit. i had a kind of epiphany last night? i realized that this is what i want, i want to restrict and i want to starve and i need this to live. 

now, homecoming was also last night, but before my epiphany.. soo as promised, here are some pictures. 

pictures were deleted

sorry, i cut my friends out, i don't wanna include them in this.

so yeah, that was homecoming. i know i kind of look like i'm going to a funeral, but that's the only dress i could find.. haha. so the night kind of sucked, the one party that was going to actually be fun got cancelled and we ended up waiting for our table/food at p.f. changs forever... next weekend should go better, cross your fingers. we have a 4 day weekend, it's one of my friend's 17th birthday, and it's halloween. oh, and jon stewart and stephen colbert are having these funny/political/joke rallies in washington dc, which should be fun. jon stewart's having a rally to restore sanity and stephen colbert's having a rally to instill fear. i love them.

speaking of washington dc, i went downtown for some physics extra credit today. there was a huge science fair so my friends and i went to goof around and get the points. it ended up being really fun, just screwing around with them. here's me today, again, i'm cutting out my friends.

they've been deleted

soo that's today, that's what i look like. these pictures are going to delete themselves soon, i hate having pictures of myself up on here. if someone finds this, i'd be so screwed.

i've been watching what's eating you. i hate the parts when you can hear them vomit. but... i don't see problems with these people's bodies.. i'm mainly talking about adrienne, who i'm watching right now. i actually like her body... i mean i know that's wrong, but i do. i felt horrible for the guy in the second episode. he has so many problems, his life is so complicated, i don't know how i'd deal with that. i wouldn't, i think i'd be just as troubled as he is. i know i have some issues but nothing close to his. poor guy can't even make eye contact with anyone. 

i bought these soups, some are 70 calories, some are 110, and some are 120. they're super good and they fill me up so i think that for this week, i'll just have one of those a day and drink my tea. grapes are optional, i usually snack on them at school when i get nauseous/my blood sugar dips. this weekend i've been building up my metabolism to prepare for the week. in other words, i've been eating. i had a chipotle burrito today (over 1000 calories...) and frozen yogurt (i'm guessing about 200. it was pink guava flavored and it was amazing). i feel like such a failure already today, but i'm making it up for it tomorrow. tonight i'm having fajitas for dinner, but i don't know how much i'm going to eat of those. i'm hungry again, but it's gotten really hard to eat around my mom. she told me my dress gave me a muffin top last night at homecoming (the first two pictures) and offered to buy me new, bigger jeans in the bottom 3 pictures because she didn't think i was fitting into those ones. i can feel her watching me when i eat and it makes it impossible. the judgement is overpowering. i feel like that fat little kid being pushed around in ballet class all over again. skinny is the way to go girls, never forget that. nobody wants to be or be near the fat kid.

i think that's the reason i've had such a hard time lately, because i feel like that fat little kid again. it's not like i'm tormented at school or anything even close, but i've been distant from my friends. i'm the fat lonely teenager now and it's depressing. but i'm not going to be fat anymore. i'm back on track gosh darn it! 

okay, for those of you who are still with me, sorry for how long this post is. i didn't mean to write a novel, i just got carried away. and i didn't even address the boy situation! argh. i'll save that for next time. i love you all, thank you for supporting me while i was struggling. i can't thank you enough :) 

xoxoxoxoxox liz


  1. oh man, the last time you wrote an entry about something your mom said to you, I put together this really long, hardcore comment that I then decided was too emotional and deleted...

    but this time, I just have to say...yo, what is WRONG with your mom?

    seriously? your mom has issues that go far beyond her questionable parenting skills.

    when I was your age, I really *was* fat, like 200lbs and 5'3. if your highest weight has been 144lbs believe me when I say you've never really been fat.

    no one has the right to make you feel like there's something wrong with you or your body when you are clearly quite trim.

    remember that your body is yours, and any comments directed at you about your body by anyone who isn't you, you are 100% allowed to simply dismiss as pure poppycock.


    I think I have the same dress you wore in teal, and I posted pix of it in my blog today. the cut of the dress is supposed to amplify the appearance of curves. those are NOT muffin tops, ok? ok.

  2. you look so pretty <3 i really mean it :) and definitely not fat! (btw, i see no sign of a muffin top). mom's can be really judgmental, try not to let her get to you :/ at the very least it may keep her from badgering you about eating more? sounds like you're prepared for your liquid fast, i know we'll be hearing good news from you soon :)

  3. You are gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous.
    Your mom.. I dont want to critisize her because she is your mom. But she has NO RIGHT to say those things to you. You are a beautiful girl. She is not being a responsible parent. I wish better, kinder people for you to surround yourself with. If only I could mail them to you, haha.

  4. Liz i think we're so similar haha, i wore that exact dress to a party the other day, and we're always a similar weight hehe. you look gorgeous:) xxxx

  5. Embrace the sillyness! I love the photos- and may I just say- you are beautiful!!! You're gorgeous and I would be happy with your body. I don't know what on earth your mother is thinking but you need to find the strength to use her negative comments as positive motivation or as an opportunity to grow as a person and love yourself. Please don't let her eat into your self worth- you deserve the best life has to offer, stay strong xxx