i'm at 125 right now, and i feel like i've gotten my shit together a little bit. i had a kind of epiphany last night? i realized that this is what i want, i want to restrict and i want to starve and i need this to live.
now, homecoming was also last night, but before my epiphany.. soo as promised, here are some pictures.
pictures were deleted
sorry, i cut my friends out, i don't wanna include them in this.
so yeah, that was homecoming. i know i kind of look like i'm going to a funeral, but that's the only dress i could find.. haha. so the night kind of sucked, the one party that was going to actually be fun got cancelled and we ended up waiting for our table/food at p.f. changs forever... next weekend should go better, cross your fingers. we have a 4 day weekend, it's one of my friend's 17th birthday, and it's halloween. oh, and jon stewart and stephen colbert are having these funny/political/joke rallies in washington dc, which should be fun. jon stewart's having a rally to restore sanity and stephen colbert's having a rally to instill fear. i love them.
speaking of washington dc, i went downtown for some physics extra credit today. there was a huge science fair so my friends and i went to goof around and get the points. it ended up being really fun, just screwing around with them. here's me today, again, i'm cutting out my friends.
they've been deleted
soo that's today, that's what i look like. these pictures are going to delete themselves soon, i hate having pictures of myself up on here. if someone finds this, i'd be so screwed.
i've been watching what's eating you. i hate the parts when you can hear them vomit. but... i don't see problems with these people's bodies.. i'm mainly talking about adrienne, who i'm watching right now. i actually like her body... i mean i know that's wrong, but i do. i felt horrible for the guy in the second episode. he has so many problems, his life is so complicated, i don't know how i'd deal with that. i wouldn't, i think i'd be just as troubled as he is. i know i have some issues but nothing close to his. poor guy can't even make eye contact with anyone.
i bought these soups, some are 70 calories, some are 110, and some are 120. they're super good and they fill me up so i think that for this week, i'll just have one of those a day and drink my tea. grapes are optional, i usually snack on them at school when i get nauseous/my blood sugar dips. this weekend i've been building up my metabolism to prepare for the week. in other words, i've been eating. i had a chipotle burrito today (over 1000 calories...) and frozen yogurt (i'm guessing about 200. it was pink guava flavored and it was amazing). i feel like such a failure already today, but i'm making it up for it tomorrow. tonight i'm having fajitas for dinner, but i don't know how much i'm going to eat of those. i'm hungry again, but it's gotten really hard to eat around my mom. she told me my dress gave me a muffin top last night at homecoming (the first two pictures) and offered to buy me new, bigger jeans in the bottom 3 pictures because she didn't think i was fitting into those ones. i can feel her watching me when i eat and it makes it impossible. the judgement is overpowering. i feel like that fat little kid being pushed around in ballet class all over again. skinny is the way to go girls, never forget that. nobody wants to be or be near the fat kid.
i think that's the reason i've had such a hard time lately, because i feel like that fat little kid again. it's not like i'm tormented at school or anything even close, but i've been distant from my friends. i'm the fat lonely teenager now and it's depressing. but i'm not going to be fat anymore. i'm back on track gosh darn it!
okay, for those of you who are still with me, sorry for how long this post is. i didn't mean to write a novel, i just got carried away. and i didn't even address the boy situation! argh. i'll save that for next time. i love you all, thank you for supporting me while i was struggling. i can't thank you enough :)