beat me til i'm numb.
tell the devil i said hey when you get back to where you're from.;
gave you all i had and you tossed it in the trash
you tossed it in the trash, you did.
to give me all your love is all i ever asked.
cause what you don't understand is
i'd catch a grenade for you,
throw my hand on a blade for you,
you know i'd do anything for you,
i would go through all this pain,
take a bullet straight through my brain.
yes i would die for you baby,
but you won't do the same.
grenade by bruno mars.
i love this song lately, i'm not sure why, i don't feel this way about a boy or anything.. i just really like the song. got it yesterday and it's been on repeat ever since.
sorry i haven't truly updated in a while, i went from posting everything i was thinking to posting things i would tell anyone every once in a while. but you girls aren't like everyone, i need to tell you things that i can't tell other people or else they get all bottled up inside me and i explode.
i came damn close to exploding yesterday.
so this week i've been realizing that my friends are shit. they're fake and bitchy, it sounds harsh but it's the truth. i can't pinpoint one exact moment or girl who's an example but being around them all the time has taught me not to trust them. i don't want to cut them off completely, but they're not good people and i don't think i can trust them. i've always thought i could. i've never felt more alone without them and i hate it. i hate being this fucking dependent on them.
it all fell apart yesterday, i was feeling really alone. like that type of alone, where all i do is sit in my bed, wrap myself in blankets, and feel sorry for myself. when people come near, i snap at them and bury myself deeper in self pity. it's quite pathetic. i eventually snap out of it after a day or so, but my mom didn't give me the chance to this time.
"you should really start running sometime."
i hate running, "you know i hate running"
"so? you think you're going to like everything in life? tough shit. start running"
"can we talk about this later?"
"no. get your ass out of bed and do something. that weight isn't going to disappear by itself.
homecoming is next weekend and you're not going if you look like that.
it's embarrassing for your father and i."
yeah. they raised such a fat pig, that they're embarrassed for her to go to a school function in a strapless dress because people might see the flaws in their parenting.
and before this, i was fine. i'm not saying i didn't want to lose, i wanted to lose. but i have been losing, i was confident in the fact that i was getting better at this, i was losing at a steady rate and i was starting to see progress.
not fucking enough progress though apparently.
i almost almost almost exploded. i reached for the pills but decided i wanted to feel the pain, i didn't want it to go away. and i didn't want my stomach pumped again.
so i'm done. i'm done with food, i'm done with eating. it's getting me no where. i've had so many urges to purge lately, i want to throw up after every meal even though i've never purged before. i've only hurt myself purposely a couple times but i feel the need after every meal. i'm done with that. i don't want to sit there after every meal, wishing i was in a heap on the floor, sticking my fingers down my throat and knives in my skin. solution? no more meals. i want these feelings to go away. i want to be clean and pure and boney and happy.
my plan is to follow the skinny girl diet (ana-you inspired me, you're doing so well on it!) and fast whenever possible. so the skinny girl diet is gonna be posted in the side bar if i can figure out how ( i suck at technology....). my mom keeps reminding me of how obese i am every time i go into the kitchen so motivation probably won't be a problem.. and my thinspo collection's over 400 pictures now so.. i think i'll be motivated enough. fingers crossed.
okay. so that's the plan. and that's pretty much all i have to update you ladies on... thanks for listening, i'm sorry i've been lame about commenting, i suck, i know. but i love you girls. i'll start being a better follower and poster i promise.
one of my favorites.