last night i self harmed, i know i told you that i wouldn't but... i deserved it. and it made me feel better. so i'm not going to promise that i won't do it again, i want to do it again, but i'm going to try to make that a rare thing. i don't want to rely on that, i have too many bad habits already.
it's taking all that's inside of me not to crawl into bed and not come out for a couple weeks. i'm disappointed in myself, both for a: having these thoughts in my head that i want to starve and b: the fact that i can't even do it. i can liquid fast and restrict as much as possible but when it comes to an actual fast, i fail. i'm just so fed up with myself and this and everything i my life, i'm exhausted and i have no energy left.
you girls are the only people i have to talk to, and i hope you know how much you all mean to me. i was thinking of telling my best friend about all of this and all these thoughts i have but now i'm not so sure, i don't know how she'd react. i'm still thinking about it.
i need a hug right now... haha. that's the only way i can think to put it. i feel like a little kid but i really just want a hug from my mom. i know that sounds dumb, i just miss being her little girl, i don't want her to see me as her fat reject teenager anymore.
i miss being the perfect little girl, i want to be her perfect little girl again.
that's pretty much it for tonight, i hope you all are doing well. i love you girls so much.