Sunday, December 5, 2010

warning: this is depressing.

i haven't exactly been honest with you all. i haven't been lying directly but i haven't been saying everything on my mind. and i really need to.

i'm so alone. i've isolated myself to the extreme and i've only just been realizing it. i have one real friend. one. i'm not saying that you all aren't real, that really isn't what i meant at all, but in my school, i only have one person and he's shitty. i can't actually rely on him. it's that J guy that i've mentioned before. we've had an on and off thing for a very long time. he's an asshole and a douchebag and he has no fucking regards for my feelings or any respect for me at all, i'd cut him out of my life but i'm just too afraid of how fucking lonely i'll be when i do. i literally won't have anyone to talk to. i know how pathetic that sounds but it's true. i could try to rebuild the relationships i used to have with my girlfriends but they're not that nice, i'm not even sure if i want those back. i don't know what to do.

my family friend's uncle/brother committed suicide on monday. i didn't know him personally but it really hit home. he was a photographer trying to make it in san francisco and he hadn't had any jobs for a while. he was lonely, only had a handful of friends that he never saw. he had been planning his suicide for years. i think the reason that it makes me so sad is that i love photography, that's what i want to do forever. but i'm not good enough to get jobs or make it big, i simply don't have the talent. i'm lonely and i don't see myself being able to hold on to friends, i'm just not good at that. and i've had suicide thoughts for years now. we're just too similar.

i've had my share of suicidal thoughts, especially when i'm at my worst. i got to a pretty low point thursday night, i had been doing homework until 2 am and when i got in the shower around that time, i just broke down. i know i've talked about my breakdowns in the shower before, that's where i feel like i can freak out, i don't know why haha. anyways, the thoughts i had about suicide and harming myself and starving were the worst i've ever had. i thought back on what i had been thinking the next day and i was disgusted with myself. but i can't take any of it back, the conclusions i came to thursday night were all true.

first of all, i was thinking about suicide. i realized a while ago that the only thing keeping me from suicide was my family. i don't think i could ever do that to my parents, my aunt, uncle, cousins, grandpa, or even my dog. but nobody else would miss me. maybe my piano teacher... maybe my art teachers but even that's a stretch. definitely none of my friends, they wouldn't care. but, when i go to college, i won't have my family anymore. my parents won't be around, they won't care anymore. so on thursday i realized that for the next two years, or year and a half, i'm really just waiting to die. and if starvation gets me there and gets me thin along the way, why the hell not.

i know this is an incredibly depressing post but i need to get this all out and put it somewhere. these thoughts are already horrible, it's even worse keeping them in my head.

i've lost interest in everything. it's not even fair for me to say i'm interested in art anymore, i just don't have the energy to do it. using pain as an inspiration is not as easy as some people make it seem. my grades are dropping but i don't care. i'm not going to have a future why waste time preparing for it.

ugh. that's all i feel like sharing right now. maybe more later. this really takes the energy out of me. i've never told anyone this stuff before in my entire life.

thanks for listening, who ever is still reading. it means a lot. xox liz


  1. darling, life can get tough sometimes. nothing really comes easy and then there comes these times where life just sucks every bit of energy we have left. that's when we don't know what to do and it makes us feel lost and lonely.
    i've never met you, but you seem like one of the loveliest people ever and i think we'd get along quite well if we were in the same school or something cause i think we're actually quite similar :) these types of thoughts run through my head about 24/7 and but it really hits when i'm at the my 'down' moments. all i can advise to you is just to keep strong for a little while longer, just till you finish school and keep up the grades. cause those grades could be your ticket out and you will be able to leave and live a new life and meet people who are interested in the same things as you are. you are still interested in art, it's just life has taken that energy and put it somewhere else. you just have to find it :)

    take care of yourself lovely,
    you deserve to smile :)

  2. i was very similar to you in h.s. - i had one friend that i shared frivolous stuff with and a couple friendly acquaintances but that was it. i was incredibly lonely and i threw myself into music and community service to try to make up for it although it only kept me busy rather than alleviate my pain. i started counting down every single day until my graduation from junior year because i hated how purposeless, friendless and boring of a person i was.

    however i want you to know something. don't think of the next two years as simply the time you must "wait to die" but instead, think of it as the time you must "wait before you can live your life however the way you effing want". death may be your perceived solution to release yourself from your suffering but you should know that your parents, your family and even your dog will be inflicted with just as much pain as you feel now except they will also have to carry the burden of believing that they were at fault for noticing how sad you really were.

    so please. please, for the sake of all the people who love you, don't go down this route. there will be so many people who would be unbearably distraught if you were no longer in this world with us.

    believe me, there is a whole world for you out there and so many opportunities that you will have the chance to accomplish. don't take the suicide of the family friend as an indication of how your life will turn out. all of us on here and *I* know that you have incredible potential for the future and you WILL find your own path eventually.

    i'm sorry if i sound invasive or demanding or plain bitchy. i'm just so very very concerned for you, i've cried while writing this comment :/ please take good care of yourself.

  3. Girl, I want you to know that I know how you feel. It was actually chilling reading your post because it was just like you took all of the thoughts I had in high school straight out of my head. I wrote this big long comment about my arpeggio help you, but it was too long, so I posted it on my blog at "my story". Pleas go read it. Now. I really just wanna help and make sure you're ok, so please go check it out, and hopefully what I've been through an potentially relate to you as well. Stay strong. Go read.

  4. And by "arpeggio" I mean "story" l stupid iPhone autocorrect

  5. Oh honey. Oh no, no, no. That really does make one sad. But this can't really be it, I hope you know that.
    I think no one can say that you are not good enough for photography. It is really important to try all the time. Try other effects, special lights, and you'll notice that you'll get better. Nobody starts off by being perfect at photography. It's what you make out of it.
    And please don't think of suicide, there's so much for you to come and you wouldn't want to miss that. So please, just try to hold one. You could think that once you are away from your old friends (if we could consider them friends, because a friends is one that cares) you could find new people that make you happy. Maybe you shouldn't see it as an escape, you should see it as a new start to make things better.

    Just hold on, please, my lovely darling.

  6. unfortunately it's catch 22. not eating causes depression, depression causes not eating. I've gone on prozac and it has started to make me happy again, and hasn't made me eat involuntarily. Try it. Love, the old Goal_Thin xxxxx

  7. Most people underestimate the impact their lives/deaths have on others. You can't actually know who needs your presence to feel like their world is alright.

    When I was in college, I was in a really depressive state; my father had just died a few months before and my love life was in shambles. I had been dating a soldier in Iraq and we broke up (he cheated on me) while he was still overseas. Shit was just fucked, ok?

    Every morning though, on my way to my 8am music class, I would see this one guy, a drifter. Some down on his luck homeless wanderer with his two front teeth missing...but who would get up and go do Tai Chi on the riverfront.

    That guy was like my talisman all fall until winter came and he disappeared. Every morning, I would get off the train and cross the bridge, looking for Mr. Fit as I called him in my head. If he was there, that meant my day was gonna be ok. If he saw me and smiled, that meant my day was gonna be great.

    He was my lifeline and he didn't even know it. He had no idea how unhappy I was or how desperate I felt. He was just doing his own thing, dealing with his own shit, worrying about his own problems and coping with them by taking the time to Tai Chi with the first light of day. I didn't know him, but I needed him.

    You will never, ever, ever know how many people need you or love you in their silences, their passing glances. Just know that, ok? Even when it seems like no one will care what you do or if you live or die, someone always will.

    Especially your parents...even if you moved to another continent and didn't see them for years, your death would shatter a part of them, no matter what kind of parents they are.

    Suicide is a deeply personal matter and I for one would never judge anyone for the choice they made; but don't rationalize the decision by imagining that it won't affect anyone besides you. That notion is false on so many levels, and haven't lived nearly long enough to have made the kind of life-sustaining relationships that people build their lives around.

    But you will...if you let yourself.


  8. No, no, no, no, no. You will get to college and you will find amazing people who do you right. You do not want to wait to die... I have no time to write the paragraphs I want to write to you, but please, please, please do not give up- you are a BEAUTIFUL person and I PROMISE you will find people who see that and love it and accept and respect you one day. It is worth waiting for. And starvation won't help you get there... that just helps us isolate ourselves. Please don't do anything like that. We love you, ok? And you deserve a chance to meet the people who will love you in person.

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  10. I have been through EXACTLY what you have described. I break down in the shower, because it's the only place I can't keep my guard up, and I have to be honest with myself. I have contemplated suicide so many, many times; my family kept me from actually doing it throughout high school. I restricted my food intake, and that possibly resulted in my thyroid disorder (but that's another story, and genes also play into that). I figured that I could just waste away into nothing (literally). When senior year of high school was over, and I was queued up to receive my diploma I was filled with cold sweats and overwhelming dread; because, I was going to move out and leave everyone that truly cared about me behind. That night was the worst night of my life.

    I wandered around like a zombie for months until college move in day. That day changed my life. I found three of the most caring, compassionate, and non-judging girls alive. They accept me for my faults, and help me with when I struggle. They are my best friends, and I am finding more and more people that genuinely want to know me.

    Long story short, don't give up. You are not alone by any means. If you ever feel like you cannot take another day alive spend the day with your family and lean on your friends online. It isn't the same as having a physical person to talk to, but knowing that there are people out there that feel what you feel does help.

    Sending you the love of a stranger,

    P.S. From the little I have read about you, you are such a BEAUTIFUL and KIND person. Please stay strong.