i haven't exactly been honest with you all. i haven't been lying directly but i haven't been saying everything on my mind. and i really need to.
i'm so alone. i've isolated myself to the extreme and i've only just been realizing it. i have one real friend. one. i'm not saying that you all aren't real, that really isn't what i meant at all, but in my school, i only have one person and he's shitty. i can't actually rely on him. it's that J guy that i've mentioned before. we've had an on and off thing for a very long time. he's an asshole and a douchebag and he has no fucking regards for my feelings or any respect for me at all, i'd cut him out of my life but i'm just too afraid of how fucking lonely i'll be when i do. i literally won't have anyone to talk to. i know how pathetic that sounds but it's true. i could try to rebuild the relationships i used to have with my girlfriends but they're not that nice, i'm not even sure if i want those back. i don't know what to do.
my family friend's uncle/brother committed suicide on monday. i didn't know him personally but it really hit home. he was a photographer trying to make it in san francisco and he hadn't had any jobs for a while. he was lonely, only had a handful of friends that he never saw. he had been planning his suicide for years. i think the reason that it makes me so sad is that i love photography, that's what i want to do forever. but i'm not good enough to get jobs or make it big, i simply don't have the talent. i'm lonely and i don't see myself being able to hold on to friends, i'm just not good at that. and i've had suicide thoughts for years now. we're just too similar.
i've had my share of suicidal thoughts, especially when i'm at my worst. i got to a pretty low point thursday night, i had been doing homework until 2 am and when i got in the shower around that time, i just broke down. i know i've talked about my breakdowns in the shower before, that's where i feel like i can freak out, i don't know why haha. anyways, the thoughts i had about suicide and harming myself and starving were the worst i've ever had. i thought back on what i had been thinking the next day and i was disgusted with myself. but i can't take any of it back, the conclusions i came to thursday night were all true.
first of all, i was thinking about suicide. i realized a while ago that the only thing keeping me from suicide was my family. i don't think i could ever do that to my parents, my aunt, uncle, cousins, grandpa, or even my dog. but nobody else would miss me. maybe my piano teacher... maybe my art teachers but even that's a stretch. definitely none of my friends, they wouldn't care. but, when i go to college, i won't have my family anymore. my parents won't be around, they won't care anymore. so on thursday i realized that for the next two years, or year and a half, i'm really just waiting to die. and if starvation gets me there and gets me thin along the way, why the hell not.
i know this is an incredibly depressing post but i need to get this all out and put it somewhere. these thoughts are already horrible, it's even worse keeping them in my head.
i've lost interest in everything. it's not even fair for me to say i'm interested in art anymore, i just don't have the energy to do it. using pain as an inspiration is not as easy as some people make it seem. my grades are dropping but i don't care. i'm not going to have a future why waste time preparing for it.
ugh. that's all i feel like sharing right now. maybe more later. this really takes the energy out of me. i've never told anyone this stuff before in my entire life.
thanks for listening, who ever is still reading. it means a lot. xox liz