i have no way to tell you girls how much what you said on my last post means to me. i'm a horribly awkward comment-replier but i'm going to grow a pair and respond to you each individually, so here it goes:
teaspoon: i'd love to go to the same school haha i wish all of us could. these thoughts are really draining, i'm not happy that you think them too but i'm happy that i'm not alone in this and i'm not the only one who has these feelings. it's hard to always keep my grades up but i know you're right, they're my ticket out of here, i think i'd be much happier if i were with people who liked the same things i do and are more similar to me. i hope i find the energy to continue art, i know i'll find it eventually. and you also seem like a lovely person, thanks for everything you said, you have no idea how much it means to me :)
not.quite.ana: there's no way in hell you sounded invasive demanding or bitchy in your comment, you were helpful and genuine and i need to hear what you have to say. i know exactly what you were feeling in highschool, i hate how lonely and pathetic i am. but reading what you said and thinking about it, i'm starting to slowly (not completely, i don't think this is going to happen overnight) realize the people i'd hurt through suicide. i hope you're right that there are more opportunities down the road. thanks for your comment, i really appreciate it :)
Frenzy: the way you felt in highschool, in your story, is exactly the same way i feel right now, like the exact same thing. i don't have a boyfriend like nick but i can definitely pick out major things in my life that control me and isolate me the same way, and i can't let go of them because i don't know what i'll do without them. i'm glad that the car crash didn't change your mind overnight, that it took time, of course i don't mean that i'm glad you had those feelings but it means i'm not alone, because i don't think these feelings will completely go away anytime soon. and i know that sounds horrible but the one thing i feel the most is loneliness and it's nice to know that someone else went through the same things and had the same exact feelings yet turned out a lovely and wonderful person. i'm so happy you have L and that your life has changed, that gives me hope that i can have a wonderful life eventually. thank you so much for sharing your story, i'm sorry that you felt those things because i know how horrible it is, but i'm so glad you got through it. you're an inspiration and i'm so thankful for your support. it means the world to me <3
Lovely Me: after reading your comment, i actually went back to some of my grandfather's old photographs (he was a naval photographer) and looked at how he got to where he was. he experimented a lot with different styles and it took him years to get really good at photography. so thank you for your advice, i'm definitely going to try new methods, i'm not giving up. thank you so much darling :)
Choose_Life: i think i'm going to grow a pair and go talk to my mom about seeing a therapist and getting some meds for depression, and i'll definitely ask about prozac. i'm glad you're back, it's nice to hear from you again. and i read your bio, if you ever need any support while going through recovery, just let me know. i want you to be happy and i'm happy to talk if you ever need to :)
kazehana: first of all, you're incredibly strong for making it through all that. i feel like a whiney teenage girl when i hear about the things you've gone through. and i understand completely what you mean with the guy who did tai chi on the riverfront. i know i have people like that in my life, who i look to, i don't say anything to them, but rely on them silently. i think i just need to realize that i might be that person to someone else. i never really have thought of myself as important enough to be that person for someone else but i'm working on that, i don't think this can happen overnight. but hopefully it will, eventually. i'm trying to realize the people who would miss me and it's taking a while but i'm trying. thank you for the honesty of your comment, your comments always give me a little wake-up call and definitely not in a bad way, i really needed to hear what you had to say and thanks for saying it :)
Kate: i hope i meet people like that, i really do. it's hard to think that i will, but i really hope so. i know turning to starvation is a terrible idea but it's tough, i'm trying to work on that haha. thank you for writing that even though you didn't have much time, i really appreciate it, thank you so much :)
Eli: thank you so much for your comment, i'm glad i'm not the only one who has her worst moments in the shower. haha. and i'm also glad that you shared your story, knowing that there's someone out there who went through the same things i'm going through and came through wonderfully is helping so much, it's so reassuring. thank you, you sound so sweet, and when i have my bad days, i'll spend it with my family or come on here, thanks for the advice lovely :)
okay those are my awkward replies to your comments.. hahaha.
i know this post is pretty long but one last thing: i'm almost 120! i was 121 this morning, i've been steadily losing and it's wonderful. i had a little mess-up today but it was because my dad watched me eat when i got home from school. he patted me on the back and told me i was getting thin, then proceeded to casually watch me fuss around in the kitchen. so i had to eat or else he would have gotten mad and asked questions. he also watched me eat dinner. but he won't be watching tomorrow, i can get away with under 500. so tomorrow will be better :)
the suicidal thoughts are getting better but i really haven't had a down moment since writing that post, so i don't really know what i'm going to be thinking during one of those. but i'm trying to see a brighter future for myself and i'm forcing myself to realize the people around me who would miss me. it's hard and it's definitely not happening overnight, but i'm trying and i think that's what counts.
i know i've said this 4 billion times but i'm so grateful for your comments, you girls are so supportive and so lovely, i needed to hear every word you said, thank you so so so much. i can't say it enough.