i'm so tired of everything. i'm physically exhausted because i put off my homework until 11 pm, all during the day i'm counting calories, obsessively cleaning my kitchen, reading about nutrition and what kind of foods to avoid, weighing food, preparing food meticulously and then throwing it out before i eat any. it's exhausting and it takes forever. i have no time for school anymore.
and then there the days i binge. it takes about 10 minutes for me to ruin an entire afternoon. i eat a tray of cookies, a bowl of pasta, sandwiches, some cereal, whatever i can find, as quickly as i can. and it takes me hours to get over it. i sit on the bathroom floor, crying because i feel so sick and full, but also because i don't have enough courage to purge it all up. lying in bed, tortured by my bloated stomach, wishing i could go back to the nice empty feeling i'd had all morning. weighing myself over and over, doing anything i can to get rid of a half of a pound. i read somewhere that dead skin could add up to an extra pound of weight so i spent an hour exfoliating until i was raw and scraped all over. after yesterday's binge i sat in ice water for 3 hours crying.
and it's all worth it. my grades have dropped in all of my classes, i have no more friends, my relationship with my parents is shitty, i haven't been able to focus on anything but this. but it's worth it. that euphoria when i find out that i've lost another pound is better than any high i could get. this has become my drug, losing weight my addiction, and i have no intention of recovering.