Tuesday, December 21, 2010

she says she's fine, but she's going insane.

i feel like for some reason my posts have been really superficial lately. this post is actually about food, i don't think i've ever shared my habits on here or what days are like for me in respect to food. soo here it goes, opening up.... kind of nervous haha i rarely do this on here, never in person. okay.

i'm so tired of everything. i'm physically exhausted because i put off my homework until 11 pm, all during the day i'm counting calories, obsessively cleaning my kitchen, reading about nutrition and what kind of foods to avoid, weighing food, preparing food meticulously and then throwing it out before i eat any. it's exhausting and it takes forever. i have no time for school anymore.

and then there the days i binge. it takes about 10 minutes for me to ruin an entire afternoon. i eat a tray of cookies, a bowl of pasta, sandwiches, some cereal, whatever i can find, as quickly as i can. and it takes me hours to get over it. i sit on the bathroom floor, crying because i feel so sick and full, but also because i don't have enough courage to purge it all up. lying in bed, tortured by my bloated stomach, wishing i could go back to the nice empty feeling i'd had all morning. weighing myself over and over, doing anything i can to get rid of a half of a pound. i read somewhere that dead skin could add up to an extra pound of weight so i spent an hour exfoliating until i was raw and scraped all over. after yesterday's binge i sat in ice water for 3 hours crying. 

and it's all worth it. my grades have dropped in all of my classes, i have no more friends, my relationship with my parents is shitty, i haven't been able to focus on anything but this. but it's worth it. that euphoria when i find out that i've lost another pound is better than any high i could get. this has become my drug, losing weight my addiction, and i have no intention of recovering.

xox liz


  1. Aww, sweet pea...

    There will come a time when you won't have anything left to lose except your life.

    And when that moment comes, you will either discover suddenly that you want to live, or that you're simply afraid to die.

    That moment will be one of reckoning.

    I'm almost twice your age...my kidneys hurt. I have gout. My liver hurts from the hepatic inflammation I brought on myself from years of drinking/doing drugs to keep moving instead of eating. I have chronic sinus infections from purging. I'm probably infertile. I have a heart murmur. I have food allergies from my immune system attacking the particles of food escaping through the tiny puncture holes in my intestine probably caused by digesting binges of half-chewed food moved along by laxxies.

    And now that I am a walking ruin, well. I wish I weren't. I'll be spending the next decade undoing what I wrought during the 2 decades before.

    You say it's worth it now; I can almost guarantee you that if you reach adulthood, you won't agree with yourself then.

    No addict, once the first glorious phase of romantic intoxication are past, will tell you it's still worth it.

    I wish...I don't know what I wish for you, since I don't know you really, but I feel my hope towards you is that you will be the kind of wise youth who counts the costs before spending all of what you have without knowing how much there is to lose.

    And I'd hold you, if I could, if you'd allow it.

  2. beautifully written. your days sound exhausting. i hope you do not forget other things that once made you happy, maybe doing art over the holidays can give you a break from the grip of this disorder

  3. Cold baths? I thought I was the only one >.<
    I'm a purge-virgin too :/ I just hate puking. Don't know why, just do.

    Feel better hun xx

  4. Oh, honey. I am terribly sorry. Maybe you don't want me to be, I'm not sure about that. But there really are other things that can make you so much happier. I know that this is hard to think about right now. You know, I used to be like this, too. Exactly the same. I went to school, came home and was so obsessed with food, then I had my dancing class, which I mostly forced myself to go to, because dancing burns calories, and at about 9.30 p.m. I fell into bed, too exhausted to do anything, because I didn't let myself eat any food.
    This was one of the worst times, I lost all my friends, but I got obsessed with my grades also, which is why they still were perfect.

    I'm not sure, what to tell you, because you say you don't want to recover, so telling you that I hope it'll get better feels not that right, actually.
    I am very sorry, though. And I hope you'll become happy, with whatever it is you choose.
    You'll have my back. You are a strong, lovely girl and you will do it.

    Sending you all my love, and hugging you,

  5. Darling, I really don't know what to say.
    Only that in life, you have to go through tough times and it's never easy. You have to find that balance, and it's hard to find it.

    I want to tell you to live your life as you want to live it. It's not easy to control your wants sometimes but usually we get confused with what we want from what we need. If your body wants food, it most likely needs it.

    You're one of my favorite blogs and it pains me to see you going through a tough time. I wish it was easier.

    Take it easy, keep a smile on your face because you deserve it.

  6. Oh sweetie :( Your going through a tough time at the moment, but i promise you it will pass soon :) Just keep your head held high. We are all binging too, so don't feel alone, i can't purge either :( I know how you feel xxx