Thursday, December 30, 2010

goodbye girls.

I don't know where to start. I'm laying in bed typing this out on my iPod, that's why all the punctuation is all correct and shit. I got a new scale, my old one was adding at least 10 pounds. My mom wouldn't let me see the number but she said I'm far too underweight.

So... I've lost my taste for food, no pun intended. I don't get hungry anymore, I don't want food. I have to be forced to eat. 

Isn't that what I've always wanted? 

Why aren't I happy now?

So I've proved to myself that I can be something without food. I only need very little to survive. The fat that clings to my body isn't there anymore, it's not slowing down my movements anymore, I'm free. The stairs don't creak as I walk on them anymore, the small bits of ice in the gutter don't crack when I walk on them. I've gotten to the point where I don't feel energized after I've eaten, I feel worse, depressed.

So who wins? Technically I'm thin now (although I don't feel it) and my bones stick out. And that's all I have to show for it. What have I won? It's easier to name what I've lost. My friends are literally all gone. My parents are tired of me and disappointed, I've lost them. I've lost my creativity, something I used to pride myself on, because I can't focus on anything but not eating. I've lost my personality, that sucker is long gone. 

So what have I won? I have hipbones to show, but who's around to show them to but the empty, black eyes staring back at me in the mirror.

I'm 16 and I'm a little girl again. I have he emotional range of a ten year old, happy, sad, and scared. I have no curves, I look prepubescent. I'm afraid of the fucking dark.

What 16 year old is afraid of the dark? In the dark I have to face myself. Starving isn't the disease, it's the symptom of something worse. When it's dark I cant see my progress or what's left to fix. I'm stripped of all the superlatives I've worked hard to get rid of and achieve, all that's left is my faulty mind.

I'm skinny. But I'm alone too. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm empty.

I haven't won. The force I've worked so hard to beat has beaten me. It has taken control and isolated and hurt me.

Food has won. 

I might post again, I might not. Goodbye girls.

For maybe the last time,
a hug and two kisses as usual,


  1. The food was never your enemy to begin with. It can neither win nor lose. You can either allow it nourish you or not.

    I hope you choose peace.

    There is joy in you, still, if you stop fighting to pry loose the body from the spirit.

    They work together, and while one needs feeding to thrive, so does the other.

    You are a lovely, lovely girl.

    Bon courage, petite.

  2. Bye! You will be missed. I hope you can find yourself. You are a wonderful person. Take care of your self :)

  3. This was so beautifully written and it really made me think.

    Darling, you are awesome. Maybe that is not what you think of yourself, but I can tell. I have been there, too and I know how awful it is. I'm not perfect now, but I've learned that this is not what life is about. It's the small 'mistakes' that make us complete. And I really hope that you will find a way out of this.

    I will be here for you, if you need me.
    If you want to talk, just mail me (

    Stay strong, my love. Life will go on and I really hope there will be light for you soon.
    You have my heart,

  4. Agreed with all of the above. You are also a great writer (already!). I hope that you are doing okay.