Friday, December 24, 2010

i don't go around fire expecting not to sweat

sorry i couldn't think of a title so it's lyrics from an eminem/lil wayne song, called no love. it's an amazing song, i adore both of them.

i know i've been a terrible follower recently, i'm super sorry. i don't feel like i have anything important to say and i definitely am in no position to be giving any advice. i've been reading though, i haven't completely abandoned you all. i'm not a failure in that way.

i wrote out all these comment replies, but they were just so awkward, i'm having an especially awkward day haha but thank you all so much for supporting me, i really really really appreciate it. i read your comments over and over, they really mean a lot to me.

i've been reading portia de rossi's book, it's really really wonderful. it makes me cry sometimes, just because i see some of myself in some of the things she does. she's a wonderful writer though, and so honest about absolutely everything, i really recommend you all read it.

i'm trying to open up about one thing every post, just so you girls get to know me a bit better.... so today, a little about what goes on in my head... i have two voices, one that tells me i'm fat and one that says fuck it, eat. i don't think that i actually hear voices, they don't sound like someone in the real world talking, it's just like there... i know that makes no sense, but i really don't think i'm as crazy as this sounds. the first one tells me that i'm disgusting and a pig, i don't deserve to eat ever. the other one tells me i deserve it, i skipped breakfast and lunch, so why not eat dinner. or that my intake is already so high that it doesn't matter. i feel absolutely crazy, just completely psycho. so i was wondering, do you all have this thing in your head, like a running commentary on everything you put in your mouth? am i absolutely nuts? be honest.

okay a progress pic. now i've posted the first two images once before but i updated the last one. 
i'm not sure what the first weight is, then 130ish, and 124.
picture's been taken down for anonymity purposes, sorry.
i can't look at these, especially the first picture, without gagging. i want to put purell on my eyes.. i'm really so sorry you have to see that, i'd give you some bleach for your eyes if you were here.

sooo basically this post summed up in one phrase, i'm a crazy fatass... hahaha.
i hope you all are doing well, thanks again to those who commented, and to those who read. 
stay skinny
xox liz


  1. You are no fatass! I love pictures like that. I should make on in a month of two :)

    Merry Christmas by the way :) xxx

  2. i have the same exact voices thing that you do, you're not crazy don't worry. i can't describe it any better than you did, it's the same exact thing. one voice is saying "why the hell are you eating? you're such a fatass and you know it. you want to lose weight so badly, and you're stuffing all this fat into your mouth? you're disgusting." while the other voice is simultaneously going "are you kidding me? so you're eating. that brings your calorie intake up to what...300-400 for the day? STILL starvation. and you've been losing some weight. you'll be fine." or "well, you've already fucked up for the day, just eat whatever you want. let's call today a binge. it's alright."
    so i know exactly how youre feeling.

    and youre pictures? look AMAZING! you look great in all the pictures, but especially the last one...girl that picture in some thinspo to me. you're awesome, dont be so hard on yourself (ha. i know. like thats SO easy to do) you look great. and you sound like a great person. cheer up, love you!

  3. I think we all know these voices. That's why we're here, that's why we all have these issues. And none of us would struggle without them, they make it even harder for us.
    But I really think that we should get rid of them because with them, we will never really get healthy.
    I love your progress pictures, you look so much thinner!!
    And don't worry, sometime I don't find any words to say, either. They'll come.

    Lots of love and support to you,

  4. omg i totally got her book for christmas!!! i already read the first like 50 pages its a great book so far
    (and her pictures towards the back of the book are just breathtakingly beautiful <3)
    i think you've made amazing progress, you can really see where you've lost weight, keep it up :]