because i see sparks fly every time you smile

first of all, M is the most adorable guy in the whole world. i wish i could put all of him into a post and show you all everything that makes my tummy do flips. he makes me forget about everything bad in my life. i don't know how he does it, but he does. and he's good at it.

i know last post i said that i really needed a hug and i felt the love from all of you commenters, i love you girls so much. thanks for all your support. trust me, it really really goes a long way, i'd feel so alone without you all. i couldn't have found a better community to be a part of. and i know i'm not playing my part as much as i should, i want to comment more and i will, i promise! if i'm not already following your blog (i tried to follow everyone who follows me), just comment and leave the url or something, there are a few cases where i can't find one, so just lemme know, i'd love to follow all of you :)

to follow up on my last post, i had a talk with my mom. well.. less of a talk, more like a complete emotional breakdown. we got in a tiny argument and i just burst into tears and ran to my room, like the most stereotypical teenage girl (oh and taylor swift lyrics are the title of this post. excuse how much of a cliche teenager i am...). anyways, she followed me up and sat with me for a couple hours, holding me and talking to me and giving me tissues. i was just so tired and stressed and sick of everything. i didn't tell her about ana but i told her all about how much i struggle to keep up in school and how i don't think i'm as smart as the other people in my classes. she just listened and told me that she loved me, like a mom is supposed to.  it was nice to feel like her little girl again, even if it was just for a couple hours. i've missed her acting like a mom and treating me like her daughter.

i haven't hurt myself since the last post, i'm not promising i won't, i'm just saying i haven't. i have these big ugly cuts on the side of my wrist now, i feel really ashamed. but i know that will probably wear off when i get in that kind of mood again, but i don't know. we'll see, i'll let you all know. 

i was 126 this morning... not happy with that. i hate being stuck in this area of 125 to 127. i want to push myself lower and lower, but it's not working. i'm about to start my period so i'm always constantly craving, hopefully i can resist. i want to be 120 so badly.

on a completely different note than all this, i'm going to the jon stewart rally tomorrow! it's actually one of the most exciting things i think i've ever done. obama's supposedly going to talk and all these singers are going to be there and it's going to turn into a giant concert. i don't know for sure, those are all probably rumors but anyways, i'm really excited. i feel like i've lived next to dc my entire life, i should at least take part in something like this. this is the website, apparently 100,000 people are coming to this, and not only from dc, from all over the country. i hope i'll be able to work my way up towards the front, it shouldn't be that hard, i know the place where it's being held really well, and most of the people coming from out of state don't. i'm really really really excited, i'll let you girls know how it goes, and i'll take pictures :)

well i hope you're all doing well, again thanks for all the support on my post a couple days ago. i love you so muchh. 

xox liz

p.s. i'm recently obsessed with the band mumford & sons. i recommend checking them out, i think they're awesome. <3

i'm sorry..

last night i self harmed, i know i told you that i wouldn't but... i deserved it. and it made me feel better. so i'm not going to promise that i won't do it again, i want to do it again, but i'm going to try to make that a rare thing. i don't want to rely on that, i have too many bad habits already.

it's taking all that's inside of me not to crawl into bed and not come out for a couple weeks. i'm disappointed in myself, both for a: having these thoughts in my head that i want to starve and b: the fact that i can't even do it. i can liquid fast and restrict as much as possible but when it comes to an actual fast, i fail. i'm just so fed up with myself and this and everything i my life, i'm exhausted and i have no energy left.

you girls are the only people i have to talk to, and i hope you know how much you all mean to me. i was thinking of telling my best friend about all of this and all these thoughts i have but now i'm not so sure, i don't know how she'd react. i'm still thinking about it.

i need a hug right now... haha. that's the only way i can think to put it. i feel like a little kid but i really just want a hug from my mom. i know that sounds dumb, i just miss being her little girl, i don't want her to see me as her fat reject teenager anymore.

i miss being the perfect little girl, i want to be her perfect little girl again.

that's pretty much it for tonight, i hope you all are doing well. i love you girls so much.

xox liz

another novel, my bad

so i was 127 today but i think it was just a temporary thing. i'm lactose intolerant and i had eaten a lot of dairy yesterday so i wasn't feeling well at all today. luckily it's getting better but still, i need to watch that. it turns into bloating like you wouldn't believe.

liquid fast is successful so far today! i had a cup of Campbell's to go tomato soups, which are like my favorite (120) and water. oh and 3 grapes (about 9 calories i think, they were small) but my blood sugar was so low, i thought i was going to simultaneously throw up and pass out all during school.  i had the soup at about 3 in the afternoon so the morning was pretty tough.

okay so the boy sitch... WELL.

M is the cutest boy alive, in my own personal opinion. i have a slight bias. but we hadn't been talking a lot last week, we were both really busy and although we had a class together, we had to take notes and a test and write an essay, therefore not a lot of time to talk. he was acting kind of distant, which sounds weird because we're not distant, but crushes can act distant right? i'm pretty sure you all know what i mean haha but he was acting weird and i was really put off by it. i don't like having to try harder than the guy does, it bugs me and i usually drop them soon after. but he totally made up for it today. in my opinion, he was super flirty, it really seemed like he likes me. he was all touchy and would lean in to talk to me and there was a point where i had to whisper something about a kid near us in his ear and he didn't lean in like a normal friend, he leaned in like we were about to kiss or something... it sounds weird, but it was really exciting haha.

so yeah. he's cute. BUT, as i was put off by M this weekend and it was homecoming, i hooked up with another guy. i don't hook up with people randomly very often but i don't think this guy is going to matter at all. i don't even think i need to assign him a letter, he's cute but i don't know him very well and i don't think i want to, he seems boring.

next weekend is Halloween... it's a big fucking deal here and i'm not sure why. girls buy the sluttiest and most expensive costumes that are completely ridiculous. the one part i do get though is the fact that they diet for weeks in advance. everyone wants to be able to have a bare flat stomach. so while i'm excited for Halloween, i want to be 118 by then and considering that it's sunday.. i don't think that's going to work out too well for me :( but i'll try my best and see where i end up. i'm too lazy to make a plan right now.

comment time! i'm really bad at replying to each comment by themselves, i get distracted and yeah, SO i'm going to just reply to them all as a whole... sorry i'm so lazy :)
but thank you girls so much for your sweet comments on my pictures, i'm leaving them up for a couple more days but they'll delete after that. and as my mom goes... she can be a great woman.. sometimes. she has her moments, and i think that i may paint a horrible picture of her but she isn't like that all the time. she's got a warped body image and idea of what a teenager should be like, because of her childhood. my grandfather is way worse than she is. he's been making comments about his grandkids acne since we all started to get it, for example, as if we aren't self conscious about it enough. and he also nit picked about weight, he hardly eats anything. this made my aunt anorexic in her teens and she still only eats salad. i'm pretty sure it had an effect on my mom too, although it probably wasn't as visible. unfortunately, it manifests when she comments on my appearance. i don't know where i stand with my mother, she's horrible and wonderful, it all depends what day it is. but thank you all so much for the supportive comments, i know that i shouldn't let her get to me, but it's hard since i basically agree with her comments. it's helpful that she's off my case about eating (since she saw me in my homecoming dress) and i bet when she sees me leave the house on halloween, she'll decide i need to go on a diet, which would be nice... if it worked.

okay so this is the last thing, sorry my posts have been so long lately. i'm pretty nervous for thanksgiving... so you'd think that i'd be nervous for the fact that there's a lot of food and people to eat in front of and it's going to be stressful. it's the opposite for me. i'm going to my aunt's house, the recovered (maybe?) anorexic one, in new york. she has two children and a stock broker husband and they live in a perfect brownstone next to a really nice side of central park and go to private school and run track... and are SO SKINNY. i'm so so so jealous of them, especially my older cousin. she's gorgeous and a sophomore in college and so thin and muscular. there's never a lot to eat during thanksgiving, it's pretty easy to avoid food. and i love that. but i hate walking around with my cousin, never being as skinny as her. so that's my inspiration. her. with that, i'm going to black out her face but use her as thinspo this week. the pictures will delete in a day or so.

thanks for reading lovelies :) xox liz

pictures of my cousin are gone, sorry girls

update: 1000 calorie binge... cool. i'm going to be doing sit ups all night.

this is a long post.. but i have pictures!

hey girls :) first of all, i've missed you like crazy. i know i didn't completely go away, but i felt detached. but now i'm back. :)

i'm at 125 right now, and i feel like i've gotten my shit together a little bit. i had a kind of epiphany last night? i realized that this is what i want, i want to restrict and i want to starve and i need this to live. 

now, homecoming was also last night, but before my epiphany.. soo as promised, here are some pictures. 

pictures were deleted

sorry, i cut my friends out, i don't wanna include them in this.

so yeah, that was homecoming. i know i kind of look like i'm going to a funeral, but that's the only dress i could find.. haha. so the night kind of sucked, the one party that was going to actually be fun got cancelled and we ended up waiting for our table/food at p.f. changs forever... next weekend should go better, cross your fingers. we have a 4 day weekend, it's one of my friend's 17th birthday, and it's halloween. oh, and jon stewart and stephen colbert are having these funny/political/joke rallies in washington dc, which should be fun. jon stewart's having a rally to restore sanity and stephen colbert's having a rally to instill fear. i love them.

speaking of washington dc, i went downtown for some physics extra credit today. there was a huge science fair so my friends and i went to goof around and get the points. it ended up being really fun, just screwing around with them. here's me today, again, i'm cutting out my friends.

they've been deleted

soo that's today, that's what i look like. these pictures are going to delete themselves soon, i hate having pictures of myself up on here. if someone finds this, i'd be so screwed.

i've been watching what's eating you. i hate the parts when you can hear them vomit. but... i don't see problems with these people's bodies.. i'm mainly talking about adrienne, who i'm watching right now. i actually like her body... i mean i know that's wrong, but i do. i felt horrible for the guy in the second episode. he has so many problems, his life is so complicated, i don't know how i'd deal with that. i wouldn't, i think i'd be just as troubled as he is. i know i have some issues but nothing close to his. poor guy can't even make eye contact with anyone. 

i bought these soups, some are 70 calories, some are 110, and some are 120. they're super good and they fill me up so i think that for this week, i'll just have one of those a day and drink my tea. grapes are optional, i usually snack on them at school when i get nauseous/my blood sugar dips. this weekend i've been building up my metabolism to prepare for the week. in other words, i've been eating. i had a chipotle burrito today (over 1000 calories...) and frozen yogurt (i'm guessing about 200. it was pink guava flavored and it was amazing). i feel like such a failure already today, but i'm making it up for it tomorrow. tonight i'm having fajitas for dinner, but i don't know how much i'm going to eat of those. i'm hungry again, but it's gotten really hard to eat around my mom. she told me my dress gave me a muffin top last night at homecoming (the first two pictures) and offered to buy me new, bigger jeans in the bottom 3 pictures because she didn't think i was fitting into those ones. i can feel her watching me when i eat and it makes it impossible. the judgement is overpowering. i feel like that fat little kid being pushed around in ballet class all over again. skinny is the way to go girls, never forget that. nobody wants to be or be near the fat kid.

i think that's the reason i've had such a hard time lately, because i feel like that fat little kid again. it's not like i'm tormented at school or anything even close, but i've been distant from my friends. i'm the fat lonely teenager now and it's depressing. but i'm not going to be fat anymore. i'm back on track gosh darn it! 

okay, for those of you who are still with me, sorry for how long this post is. i didn't mean to write a novel, i just got carried away. and i didn't even address the boy situation! argh. i'll save that for next time. i love you all, thank you for supporting me while i was struggling. i can't thank you enough :) 

xoxoxoxoxox liz

and it's draining all of me
they find it hard to believe 
i'll be wearing these scars for everyone to see.


i'm not back for good, i'm just saying i'm still alive... i miss you guys a lot, it's hard to not post. but i really need to get back on track. there's not going to be another post until i am.

i'm just letting you all know i'm still alive, no pills and no purging. also no successful restricting, despite my best efforts. homecoming is tonight and i'm ready to look like a fat pig for it. i met two guys last night and i'll be seeing them a lot tonight, so that should be interesting. M and i are not going in the direction that i wanted us to. my moms being less of a bitch and my aunt is basically supporting my disorder.

i'll update you ladies on all of that when i come back, i promise.

i'll talk to you again when i've got my shit together.

i hope it won't be long, i'll try harder.

i miss you all, hope you all are doing well.

xox liz

i'm terrified but i'm not leaving

i know that i must pass this test.
russian roulette by rihanna. i adore that song.
so many comments on the last post, wow i love you girls. i'm sorry the pictures didn't work out very well, i don't know what happened.. i might try to fix it, check back in a couple days. but thanks for all the comments, you girls are awesome.

anyways, good news and bad news...

bad news first....
i'm out of control. i'm in some kind of funk that i can't seem to get out of. and, like the title, i'm terrified but i'm not leaving. i'm terrified that i'll never be able to get out of this, i can see myself swelling up to official balloon status, going back up to my high weight. so i'm taking a little break. i'm tired of feeling like i've failed you all and myself. i don't want to sound selfish, i'm so proud of you all, but coming on here and seeing how much you're losing makes me feel like a failure. so i'm just taking a couple days off,  it's not anything drastic, i'm not leaving, (hopefully that's the good news, depending on whether or not you like my presence here.. hahah) i'm just not going to be posting until i get my shit together. hopefully, i'll be back by like tomorrow or something... i just need to get organized and get back on track. i'll still try to comment and read your posts, i don't wanna miss anything in your lives! :)

so that's about it. i'm awkward with goodbyes, if this even counts as a goodbye. thanks for all your support, i love you all. i'll be back soon, i'm not leaving. i'm just on a posting hiatus.

xox liz

i'm a complete and utter failure.

i've let myself down, i've let you girls down, i've let ana down. binging comes daily now, i can't control it, i can't control myself. i have to try harder. this isn't too hard, restricting isn't hard, i just suck at it. plain and simple.

side note: where are you girls? i haven't heard from some of you in a while, everything's okay right? i'm worried. don't just leave like this ladies, you're stressing me outt. let me know if something's wrong, i'm here for you all whenever you need it.

oh and my homecoming dress! i never posted pictures.
here:

ignore my obese limbs..

 these are my shoes, it's hard to see here but they're little peep toe booties

sorry for the awkward pose, i was trying not to fall over.. haha

all of the black kind of looks gothic but... hopefully i'll find some bright jewelry and i won't be in complete blackness. in those pictures the dress hasn't been fitted yet but i got it tailored and it should be done by tomorrow.

i need to be 118 by saturday. friday is the homecoming game and saturday is homecoming. as of this morning, i'm 125. i was almost 123 yesterday morning, i was so close.. but i lost it with the god damn chinese food. so that's a little more than a pound a day, i can do that right? maybe? hopefully? ugh...

so yesterday, i measured my body fat percentage on like 10 different websites and averaged them. i got 16.9 % which is absolutely fucking disgusting. apparently i need to be 103 pounds to have 0% body fat. oh i wish

i bought some low fat 100 calorie tomato soup for this week and i'm super excited for it. i also bought some tea, i've always really loved tea but i never really get around to drinking it all that often.  i think this week i'm going to do a liquid fast. i want to at least eat healthy because i feel so gross right now. i just found out that when i sit down cross legged on my bed (like i am now) the fat from my butt and thighs squishes outwards and blends with my love handles. my hipbone barely pokes through. i'm disgusted with myself.

there's not much of substance to post about, i haven't had much to say on here recently.... i think it's partly due to the fact that i feel really out of control and like i've let myself go. i've been binging too often, i need to feel empty again. then my life will be back on track.  when i have food in my stomach i feel ugly, disgusting, disorganized, like a complete mess. so my goal for this week is emptiness. wish me luck.

xox liz