Monday, June 21, 2010

i told you to be patient, i told you to be fine

Soo guess who's 130 now? This girl. Made my day. I've cut way back on calories, but I'm trying to keep it varied so my metabolism doesn't .
My mom's almost walked in on my writing this like two thousand times, fuck doors that don't lock.
Anywho, I went to Chipotle today, it's like the shit at my school. And it's so annoyingly good, I can't not eat anything when I go. I went with my friends too so if I hadn't gotten anything, they would have noticed. I hate when friends think they're watching your back by making you eat when really they're just making you unhappy. I know, they're trying to take care of you and be supportive but I don't need that. I need support in the opposite direction, if they saw how obese I really was, they'd realize that. And it doesn't help that they're super skinny either. One of my best friends, lets call her N, is the skinniest girl in the most perfect way, it's so fucking annoying. She's tan, has abs and nice legs, and big boobs at the same time. It sucks. And there's another girl, we'll call her E for right now. She is ridiculously skinny. Her hipbones wear holes in her jeans, they stick out so much. And I'd use them as inspiration if they worked for their bodies, but no. N and E both eat so much, I'd kill to have that metabolism. I have to go eat with my parents. I hate food.

Okay I'm updating this a couple hours later. I ate a burger and some lettuce. And P (remember him from the last post?) is being really cute. But I'm starting to realize and feel like that with all my problems and dishonesty about eating and how I like about what's going on in my head to him, I feel like I really just don't deserve him. I don't know how I'm going to go through this constantly feeling like a shitty person because he's so goddamn sweet but we'll see. Maybe I'll tell him about it all?.. hahaha. Nope. Night girlies, it's almost 11 on the east coast and I still have finals. xox

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