Anywho, I went to the beach yesterday and today. I totally felt like the fattest cow in the entire world. But one of the guys that was in the group I went with and I totally hit it off. We knew each other and had hooked up before but this time was different. It was just so comfortable, I felt like I could trust him and tell him everything. We'll just call him P for right now. The trouble is, a lot of my friends really don't like P. They like him as a friend but he can just be a bit socially awkward. That all goes away when him and I spend time together but my friends don't realize that. It sucks dick.
I almost told him about this, everything, about ana. Almost almost almost. Closest I've ever come to just outright telling anyone. We went to Rehoboth beach in Delaware, which has a huge boardwalk and a nice beach with these big white life guard chairs big enough for two. We climbed up and sat in one as we watched the sun go down behind the boardwalk. He had been with me the entire day and was watching what I was doing/eating. I was trying not to exceed 300 calories that day so I only drank one of those Arizona Arnold Palmers (150 Cal) and ate a thing of fruit snacks (80 Cal- I know they're for little kids but they're just so damn good!) Anyways, he asked me why I'd been avoiding food all day, when went out to dinner I didn't eat. I was so close to telling him but I just... I didn't want him to try to help. He's one of those guys who wouldn't let that go. And watch me eat, try to change my mind. He's too nice, he cares too much for me to be able to tell him anything.
P leaves for Ireland in 8 days. He's going for a month. And I'll be off to work at my old summer camp in 4 days and I'll be gone for a month too. Then after that I come back for 6 days, then I head to London for about 17 days. He wants to go on a date in August, when I get back. I need to be skinny by then. Not just like average skinny, like the girls I saw at the beach who were so skinny they turned heads. I want that, I want to be elegant and graceful. I want thin thighs and a flat stomach. I want my hipbones to be at least fucking visible. I want the collar bones, the ribs, the shoulders. When I'm back in August, I'll be at 116 lbs. And P will notice. I promise.
Well that's it for tonight, thanks for listening to the boy talk haha stay skinny loves xox liz
Oh and P.S. just a tip: if you're au natural and don't shave your pits, don't wear sleeveless shirts everywhere. And especially don't wear a strapless dress to prom. I don't understand why people at my school just don't get that. Yuck yuck yuck.