Tuesday, August 31, 2010

sorry about this novel...

I was just reading some other pro-ana blogs, but like the really intense ones, the ones that when they leave for a week you're positive that they're in the hospital. They're so inspirational, with their hipbones and tiny bodies, they really make me wanna be under 100 pounds more than anything, you know?
But I've been doing pretty good! :) Three cheers for fasting! I am required, by my parents, to eat a family dinner. I can take small portions, that part is pretty easy, but it's really fatty food and there's no way to get around it. But if I don't eat for the rest of the day and just do situps constantly, then my intake definitely stays under 500.
Yesterday was realllyy bad, I fucking hate birthday cake. Well... that's a lie. BUT I hate binging on it, it's so bad for me, so many calories, like I don't even want to look up how many calories are in what I ate, I was doing fine... Until that stupid left over cake made an appearance. Goddamnit. I have nooo willpower, I need to fix this.
I want to be 123 by the beginning of school, which is in exactly a week, september 7th. Ahhhhhh I didn't realize it was this close, holy shit. I hope I can lose the weight, shhhhiiiiiiiiiittttt. I can't get under 133, it's like not working, I did a liquid fast for like days and nothing happened, same old 133 pounds forever. I'm so hungry too, like incredibly nauseous because of my low blood sugar, I should probably do something about that...
And I'm watching teen mom, god I can't imagine being like that, there's so much work, I mean I don't even have a job. And all that baby weight? Hellllllll no. Oh and the baby, taking care of that poopy crying kid alone would suck.
Sorry this post is such a novel, I'm in a really good mood for some reason, I don't really know why. Yes, being hungry makes me nauseous and tired but I feel so light, and there's this shaky energy, I don't know how else to explain it, but it's wonderful :).
Oh....... and boy drama, let me just vent for just a second. So my ex boyfriend, the one who has my v-card, the first real relationship and first real love, if you want to call it that, is back. And he just comes and goes, I just sit there and wait. The worst thing is? He knows it. He knows that he can always come back to me and be with me. Goddamnit. I'm trying not to just let him in again because I know he's just going to leave or cheat on me or lie to me, but it's so hard! He's so charming and sweet, he'd always been there for me in the past, he knows most everything and he gets me. We dated for 8 solid months last year, and then for 6 months after a long break. It was great and horrible and everything all at once, and I loved it, I loved him. When he comes back to me and wants to start everything up again, it's so hard to tell him no. And he's graduating this year, this is my last year to make it work, to have him around being wonderful. But the cheating and the lying, I don't think I can do that again. Ugh. I was going along in my life, totally okay. Then out of the blue he texts me and it's all downhill from there. Okay, okay. Rant is over. I won't talk about him until there's a new major update. Arghh, I hate boys.
Okay. If anyone's still with me, I'm sorry I wrote a novel. Thanks for reading, I'd love to read your posts, just leave a comment :)
Oh and thinspo for today, I love this picture, it's Miranda Kerr. Who is absolutely perfect.

Stay skinny loves, xox

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