another novel, my bad

so i was 127 today but i think it was just a temporary thing. i'm lactose intolerant and i had eaten a lot of dairy yesterday so i wasn't feeling well at all today. luckily it's getting better but still, i need to watch that. it turns into bloating like you wouldn't believe.

liquid fast is successful so far today! i had a cup of Campbell's to go tomato soups, which are like my favorite (120) and water. oh and 3 grapes (about 9 calories i think, they were small) but my blood sugar was so low, i thought i was going to simultaneously throw up and pass out all during school.  i had the soup at about 3 in the afternoon so the morning was pretty tough.

okay so the boy sitch... WELL.

M is the cutest boy alive, in my own personal opinion. i have a slight bias. but we hadn't been talking a lot last week, we were both really busy and although we had a class together, we had to take notes and a test and write an essay, therefore not a lot of time to talk. he was acting kind of distant, which sounds weird because we're not distant, but crushes can act distant right? i'm pretty sure you all know what i mean haha but he was acting weird and i was really put off by it. i don't like having to try harder than the guy does, it bugs me and i usually drop them soon after. but he totally made up for it today. in my opinion, he was super flirty, it really seemed like he likes me. he was all touchy and would lean in to talk to me and there was a point where i had to whisper something about a kid near us in his ear and he didn't lean in like a normal friend, he leaned in like we were about to kiss or something... it sounds weird, but it was really exciting haha.

so yeah. he's cute. BUT, as i was put off by M this weekend and it was homecoming, i hooked up with another guy. i don't hook up with people randomly very often but i don't think this guy is going to matter at all. i don't even think i need to assign him a letter, he's cute but i don't know him very well and i don't think i want to, he seems boring.

next weekend is Halloween... it's a big fucking deal here and i'm not sure why. girls buy the sluttiest and most expensive costumes that are completely ridiculous. the one part i do get though is the fact that they diet for weeks in advance. everyone wants to be able to have a bare flat stomach. so while i'm excited for Halloween, i want to be 118 by then and considering that it's sunday.. i don't think that's going to work out too well for me :( but i'll try my best and see where i end up. i'm too lazy to make a plan right now.

comment time! i'm really bad at replying to each comment by themselves, i get distracted and yeah, SO i'm going to just reply to them all as a whole... sorry i'm so lazy :)
but thank you girls so much for your sweet comments on my pictures, i'm leaving them up for a couple more days but they'll delete after that. and as my mom goes... she can be a great woman.. sometimes. she has her moments, and i think that i may paint a horrible picture of her but she isn't like that all the time. she's got a warped body image and idea of what a teenager should be like, because of her childhood. my grandfather is way worse than she is. he's been making comments about his grandkids acne since we all started to get it, for example, as if we aren't self conscious about it enough. and he also nit picked about weight, he hardly eats anything. this made my aunt anorexic in her teens and she still only eats salad. i'm pretty sure it had an effect on my mom too, although it probably wasn't as visible. unfortunately, it manifests when she comments on my appearance. i don't know where i stand with my mother, she's horrible and wonderful, it all depends what day it is. but thank you all so much for the supportive comments, i know that i shouldn't let her get to me, but it's hard since i basically agree with her comments. it's helpful that she's off my case about eating (since she saw me in my homecoming dress) and i bet when she sees me leave the house on halloween, she'll decide i need to go on a diet, which would be nice... if it worked.

okay so this is the last thing, sorry my posts have been so long lately. i'm pretty nervous for thanksgiving... so you'd think that i'd be nervous for the fact that there's a lot of food and people to eat in front of and it's going to be stressful. it's the opposite for me. i'm going to my aunt's house, the recovered (maybe?) anorexic one, in new york. she has two children and a stock broker husband and they live in a perfect brownstone next to a really nice side of central park and go to private school and run track... and are SO SKINNY. i'm so so so jealous of them, especially my older cousin. she's gorgeous and a sophomore in college and so thin and muscular. there's never a lot to eat during thanksgiving, it's pretty easy to avoid food. and i love that. but i hate walking around with my cousin, never being as skinny as her. so that's my inspiration. her. with that, i'm going to black out her face but use her as thinspo this week. the pictures will delete in a day or so.

thanks for reading lovelies :) xox liz

pictures of my cousin are gone, sorry girls

update: 1000 calorie binge... cool. i'm going to be doing sit ups all night.