i'm an idiot.

i actually can NOT believe i fell for this bullshit again.

so that guy, J, the one who i'm like meant to be with whatever, fucked me over again.


we had a thing, we were best friends and hooking up and it was going perfectly. then he asked my good friend to homecoming.

well, good friend is an overstatement... and she said no... but we used to be really close and now we're not as close, but still friends. and he knew that. oh, and he doesn't even go to our school, so it's not like he had to ask her (he goes to a completely different far away school than me and my ex-ish friend do). and he told me last night that he hated her.

and he hasn't even had the decency to talk to me since it happened. she had to tell me.

i'm like combo angry and sad. sad because we were so fucking close, like he knew all about ana. i thought he was going to be the one who was starting to make me want to be a different person. i was closer to him than anyone i've ever met, in my entire life. anyone.

sad also, because like.. what's wrong with me? i know his friends don't really like me, but really only a couple of them, and they're not his close friends either. why did he have to ask a girl, who he barely even talks to, when he could go with me? we've been closer than ever. what's wrong with me, that he doesn't want me? he's always wanted me, even at my fattest. always. what changed?

but i'm pissed. i. am. furious. why the HELL do i fall for dumbass douchebags like him? i honestly don't get it. i made this happen, i let him in and i trusted him. not happening again, not for a long time.


i'm laying in bed, not studying for a huge exam i'm going to fail on monday, going between crying uncontrollably and being uncontrollably angry. if this is what i get for letting him in, if this is what i get for trusting someone, it's not happening again. it's not worth it.