fuck yes.

I DID IT!! not only did i beat my goal for this weekend of 123, i lost an extra pound.

i'm 122 now!!! i'm so excited lol. i feel so much thinner. i was looking at pictures of myself at 135ish and i'm so glad that i'm not there anymore, i looked disgusting. yeah, i still have more to lose, i'm not perfect yet but compared to what i used to be? i'm a lot better.

i'm actually confident today, i'm not really sure why.

oh. and ropes courses are the best way to lose weight. i went with this school group of 21 kids in highschool like me, i'm really close with a lot of them. 2 of my ex boyfriends are in it, which is actually totally okay, like they hate each other but other than that, nothing bad happened with them, which was unexpected. but anywho, we were split up into two groups and like none of the people i knew really well were in my group, which was kind of lame. but i got to know the other people better than i had before, when we had just been like a little more than acquaintances. it worked out better than i had expected. plus, we had this really cute advisor guy.. he's like 25 but he kept hitting on me the entire time... it was kind of nice lol.

anyways, we did a like 2 mile long zipline and walked on wires like 50 feet in the air. we had to do team building activities and like lift everyone over a wall and once you were over, you couldn't help lift anymore, and a bunch of other stuff. i was so active the entire time, we never stopped moving. whether it was lifting people in the air or walking or climbing things or just plain old jumping around, i was always moving. it was awesome, i felt so good at the end of the day.

i had a major breakthrough there though. before, i've always kind of had two personalities... that sounds SO psycho, but it's not lol i swear. like, when i'm with that group, i don't usually worry about calories, i'm easy going and myself around them because i'm completely comfortable (it was also this way at my summer camp). in the past, i'm like not ana there, i don't understand it. but all the time other than when i'm with that group/at camp i count calories, obsess over my weight, and restrict like crazy. but anyways, this time was totally different. ana has officially permeated every aspect of my life now. i don't have that group as a safe haven to hide from my problems anymore, ana is my safe haven. this time i counted calories, i checked the mirror for signs of me gaining weight every time i was in the bathroom. i like that ana is everywhere in my life now, and i really have no idea if this makes any sense to you all, it's really really really really hard to explain.

okay and last thing (about boys, sorry it'll be quick i promise!). so those 2 ex boyfriends, one of them doesn't like mean anything at all, he was a fling that ended and i had no real feelings for him. so we won't really talk about him. but the other one? we're like destined to be together. he knows everything about me, he's been with me through thick and thin. we've dated on and off for the entire time i've been in high school, the longest time without a break was a year. i genuinely feel like i've met one of those people who's just meant for me. we get along so well, like we're best friends. we tell each other everything, we have an absolute blast when we're together, we like all the same shit. and there's definitely more there than just best friends. the chemistry is stronger than anyone else i've ever hooked up with. since my first kiss with him i've known what they mean when they talk about sparks. i lost my virginity to him about a year ago and i don't regret it at all. even when we're broken up. i know that it couldn't have been a better situation. so recently, we've been in a weird situation. we're friends when everyone's around, but dating secretly, when we're alone. i know how fucked up that sounds, but it's for the best. it would create a lot of drama and frankly, i'm a jealous moody bitch in relationships. but this situation is really good. we slept in the same bunk last night, it probably looked a little suspicious to everyone else but i was in my sleeping bag and he was in his. we told everyone that we wanted to talk to each other and that was the most comfortable place to do it. so i fell asleep basically in his arms, which was wonderful. he's a great guy, if not a little bit of a player, but i know him inside and out so i can tell when he's fucking me over. people definitely suspect something though, we spend tons of time together and we're like kind of all over each other. whatever, let them think what they want, i'm loving the situation. i'll be fucked when he leaves for college next year, but i don't want to think about that...

i'm sorry about the novel length post, i tried not to do that... and failed haha. sorry lovelies. well i'm going to go do all the homework i'm so late on finishing. i want to finish before 10 and go to bed early, wish me luck! xox liz