if you play, you play for keeps; take the gun and count to 3

and you can see my heart beating,

you can see it through my chest,

i'm terrified, but i'm not leaving,

i know that i must pass this test,

so just pull the trigger.

russian roulette by rhianna, beautiful song.

bad news and good news.

good news first, bad news will take longer.

M and i had a very good flirting day. i think this may be going somewhere? i have no clue.

bad news....

i binged late last night. so i don't know if it counts as today or yesterday. all i know is that it counts as way more calories than i'm comfortable with.

my mom went on a rant last night about anorexia and how stupid it was. we had watched america's next top model, the one where the skinny girl gets kicked off (annamaria, it's the latest episode). not only was i stunned by her body, all bone, basically emaciated; but that's what i want to look like. my parents kept calling her disgusting. everyone on the show thought it was ugly. my mom told me that girls like that never get any boys, or anywhere in life.

she couldn't be more wrong. shit, if she only knew. i want bones. i want to be like that girl, but skinnier. i hate all these people, these fucking hypocrites, who claim that bones are ugly but make fun of a fat girl seconds later. i hate all these girls at my school, the wannarexics who complain about their weight all the time for attention, they don't know the shit we're going through. ana isn't just a quick fix to lose weight, it's a force that's taken over my life and invaded every aspect of it. smile plastered on my face and baggy clothes on my back, nobody but you ladies know the shit i have to deal with every day. i hate those people who judge me and the girls i look up to, they have no fucking clue what's going on. i don't know why i'm so angry right now, but i really am.

i'm so sick of having to pretend that everything's okay. everything isn't okay. suicide enters my mind daily, but i'm too cowardly. add that to my list of faults. every time one of my friends at school complains about their problems i want to scream. at them, at myself, at the world, goddamnit i don't know. i can't take this anymore. i'm overwhelmed with everything i have to keep inside.

i'm sorry this is such a kind of long rant/post, i'm not sure what would happen if i kept all this inside of me. and i'm not sure i want to know. as mad as i am at the world right now, i'm really glad i have you girls here. you have no idea how much it means to me. i love your comments and i love your posts. thanks for understanding me and being supportive. i love you guys.

okay well i'm going to go take my anger out on my homework. yippee. i'll post later tonight maybe with weights/intake. i don't want to think about those numbers right now, i'll just get angrier.

xox liz