trying to stay out of the kitchen...

i'm so hungry. it's annoying, i don't know how to fix it. i might just go have a diet soda. i've had about 90 calories today because of a stupid chocolate raspberry luna bar. it was so tempting and i only ate half but i'm still frustrated with myself. i've gotten to the point again where any intake is a bad intake, i don't want to settle for an easy 500, which is what i've been doing for the last couple of weeks. 

i might try to make some low fat asian salad dressing but i'm not sure, the recipe i have has mustard in it and i can't STAND mustard. so we'll see....

M is just complicated. not much to update, except we're like best friends now... but other than that, nothing. 

my parents are going to be out until about 11 the night of homecoming which means... pregaming! we usually can't find a place to pregame but this time basically my entire friend group is coming over, there's going to be about 30 of us, i hope my house doesn't get wrecked... i'll be pissed if it does. 

i still need a dress. and shoes. and a date. damn it.

i'm looking forward to buying the dress/shoes though, i've lost a bit recently and i always feel good trying things on when i've lost. i've realized that i'm a full 10 pounds lighter than during the summer and i'm really happy with it. of course i'd like to lose more, i don't think there's every going to be a time when i don't want to lose more... but i'm happy with this loss, you can definitely see it a bit. i have cheekbones now? maybe. they're still coming in haha.

my mom told me i've looked thin lately while i was leaving the house this morning... which while it feels good, i have a tough time lying about it. i mumbled something about how i'm just losing the weight i gained this summer but i know she knows that isn't true. she knows all the signs, my aunt/her sister is a mostly recovered anorexic so my mom grew up next to an eating disorder, i'm pretty sure she'll eventually completely figure me out. hopefully i'll be out of the house by then... 

so, this morning i was 124! i think i'm on a bit of a plateau recently, i was 124 yesterday as well... i want that to change. it's the same was it was when i was about 133, i just couldn't get under 130. but i eventually did and i will with 120 too, i'm determined!

and the thing i've wanted to say most while writing this post: thank you girls so much for your concern on my last post. i appreciate it so much, i'm okay now and don't worry, i've learned my lesson. the pumping made me feel like shit and so did the pills. while they took away my problems for a couple hours, they fucked me over in the long run. things like that aren't going to happen again lovelies, don't worry. i appreciate your concern so much though, you girls are amazing and so special and wonderfully supportive and i love you all. i couldn't have been luckier in finding you all.

i hope you all are doing well lovelies, stay skinny. xox liz

update: staying out of the kitchen by posting worked! one 60 calorie hot chocolate makes it 150! and soup is for dinner. i'll probably be able to keep it under 300 today, yay :)

getting your stomach pumped is not as fun as it may seem

i've deduced that you girls are all correct. i need to watch the pills i take. apparently, two nights ago, i mixed too many together. that combined with no sleep and barely eating was not good. when i posted last, on monday morning, i think it was around 1 am for me. i went on to take tons more pills, i don't know what kinds. but judging by what was left in my medicine cabinet, it was a combo of advil and antihistamines and some sleeping medication. 

after that, it gets blurry. i remember seeing the ceiling but i don't remember getting the bruise on the back of my head. according to my mom there was an ambulance but i don't remember that. there was also a pump for my stomach but i don't remember that either. i remember waking up the emptiest i've ever been but the also sorest i've ever been. and i remember the bright lights. they kept me in the hospital to observe me for a couple hours. a counselor came to talk to me and reported back to my parents that there was no signs of me being suicidal. that didn't stop my mom from putting everything remotely medicinal into a box and lock it. she gave me a legitimately two hour lecture about how mixing pills was bad. and now i'm being watched by hawks.

i'm not really even sure why i took that many. i was tired and unhappy with myself but i didn't want to die. i think i just wanted to feel nothing, hence the mass quantities of pain medication. i'm not quite sure. i remember being tired and wanting to go to sleep, and i remember not wanting to feel my fat anymore.

luckily nobody at the hospital mentioned to my parents that they had barely anything to pump out of my stomach. the report was water, mostly pills, and barely any food. the counselor asked me why i had less food than normal people would have in my stomach and i lied and she totally bought it. something about not being hungry, i forget the exact lie.

but... i've learned my lesson i guess. so back on track. yesterday i was fed through a tube, because whatever they did to my stomach left it unable to accept solid food for a couple hours yesterday. i also don't do well with the numbing medication they gave me for my throat. today has been liquids since i've still felt a little weird. my mom's so focused on watching me around medicine that she doesn't watch me eat. today's been about 300 calories.

so ladies. don't mix too many pills. bad idea. stomach pumping hurts even if you're not awake for it, you can feel it when you do wake up. and your parents will go psycho. 

xox liz

my head is full of marshmallow fluff. my head feels like it's a million pounds and light as a feather all at the same time.

i had a dizzy spell yesterday in bed. the best ones are when you're laying down. the whole bed tilts forwards right until i'm about to fall forward and off. at first they're fun, getting flipped around and spun isn't that bad when it's gentle. sometimes it's not gentle though. sometimes i flip upside down and scream until someone is able to shake me out of it. 

so you're witnessing crazy zero sleep liz. i'm strung out on multiple types of pills, whatever i could find in my kitchen, i took. my fat and flab and squishy marshmallow-y body was aching so i started with advil and just kept reaching for bottles.

it's been exactly 39 hours since i slept last, for more than an hour at least. i get into bed and roll around but i can't sleep. i hide it pretty well during the day but now the crazies come out.

i'll maybe post again tonight. probably not. i feel empty and light. time for another dizzy ride with my marshmallow head. xox liz

drama, drama, drama.

i had a ridiculously dramatic day... i hate dealing with drama, i never know what to say or do and i get annoyed and it's horrible. M hooked up with a girl (i care but i'm not sad/mad or anything), and that girl's best friend likes M too. i had classes with both of them (separately thank god) and i had to hear about how much they loved M and blah blah blah whatever, but neither of them know that i like him a lot. so i didn't really care, but having it rubbed in my face all the time was getting annoying. so i had to put up with that all day...

but then i got to my last class, the one i have everyday with M, and we talked about it and......  he doesn't like either of them! he regrets that night, wants to be friends with both of the girls but just friends, and we had this whole long deep conversation about what he should do. we ended up even closer after just like an hour and a half.. it was great. his friend likes me still though... i'm not sure if i told you girls about that but yeah. his best friend... bad situation because if his best friend likes me, he can't. i don't show the friend any signs of liking him back but he's an idiot. M knows that i know too now, and i told M that i'd never like his friend, and now he keeps bugging me about it. it's super annoying. i've decided to completely stop talking to his friend (who's actually kind of a douche bag so i don't feel that badly) and i'll see how that goes.

i really like M though... like a willing to wait kind of like, and that sounds weird but i don't wait for boys,  i usually just move on. but i realized today that i can live with just talking to him, even that makes me feel special. he's got amazing eyes, they're so blue. and he makes eye contact all the time, we bump into each other and i can feel it minutes after. he's just... wonderful haha.

anyways.. to my safe haven, ana. being empty all day helped a lot, it's comforting. i had about 200 calories when i got home and a diet soda, and i'll probably just say i have cramps and skip dinner.

i have to do a practice sat today and tons of homework and babysitting and yuck. at least i'll be making some money... only about $20 but still, it's money haha. i need to weigh myself tomorrow morning, i have no idea where i stand right now, and that's bad for that plan i put together... i just get up so early i forget to weigh myself (i get up at 5 fucking 45 am, it's ridiculous!). but tomorrow i will, i'll write something on my hand :) i'm thinking of starting the ABC diet, if anyone's interested in joining me, just let me know!

okay lovelies, i'm off to do my shit ton of work... i hope you all are doing well, stay skinny! xox liz

can't think of a title, sorry guys

i got my period today, i know this could be tmi but as far as i know, all my followers are female so it's not like this is anything new... cramps like a motherfucker but i know i'll lose weight when it's over, i'm never ever hungry on my period, only in pain. and i can pop pills like an addict the whole week with no questions. i think this is a win win situation overall.

i just finished volunteering at the art festival in my town. it was a pretty damn good work out. i carried tables and boxes and equipment all over our park for about 5 hours. and got a super fun golf cart ride out of it haha. those things are awesome.

i weighed myself this morning and i was 126 with wet hair and clothes on (i didn't have time for a proper weigh-in) so at least i'm somewhat maintaining. i have this super cute dress i'm going to wear after my period's basically gone, in like 2 days (hooray for having super short periods!), if i make my goal.. which reminds me...


my goals/rewards:
i made a plan to be 118 by homecoming and i still want to stick with that. homecoming is in 3 weeks and i only have like 7 or 8 pounds left. soo...
by 10/9/2010 i should be 123 at least. hopefully more with the whole period thing... but if i set my expectations too high and don't make them, i'll be pissed. at that point, i'll go shopping to get my homecoming dress (hopefully- it might get delayed to the next weekend depending on my schedule).
by 10/16/2010 i should be 120. then i'll get my shoes (which i'll splurge on) and halloween costume. yes,  they'll be selling them then they're even selling them now lol.
by 10/22/2010 which is the homecoming game, i should be 118. if i am, then i'll buy more new clothes that weekend/week. maybe even a size 4 or even 2 jeans?? lets hope, fingers crossed.

as long as i stay under 120, i'll go shopping more often. the second i get over 120 i won't let myself wear any of the new clothes i'll look too obese in them. but as long as i'm under 120 and stay there, i'll be okay.

oh and by the way, those 100 calorie fruit cups suck dick. just eat regular fruit ladies. i usually love those things but these ones taste like the metal cans they come in. yoplait lite 100 calorie yogurt is awesome though, in strawberry or peach. i'm surprised because i'm normally not a girl who likes yogurt but i love this stuff. i can't eat it often because i'm lactose intolerant though.. but i do anyways lol.

and my stomach has like lost the ability to process really fatty foods by the way... i've always eaten majority healthy food, we don't have a lot of junk food at my house and my parents don't make greasy food, it's mostly organic. but when we go out to eat or i go with my friends to eat, i can't eat everything, i throw up anything remotely greasy. i don't mind it, it keeps me from binging on crappy food. puke really really really grosses me out, i have major problems with it, so i try to keep from puking as much as possible. so i've been avoiding greasy food as much as possible.

OH GUESS WHAT?? so there was this huge party last night, not huge.. but like... nothing goes on where i live so this was a pretty big deal. i went super late and stayed for about 10 minutes and went to my friends house to smoke hookah but that's not the point. M and i were talking about the work we have to do for homeroom tomorrow and i mentioned, good job at the game friday and he said 'thanks :) i looked for you everywhere at ___'s party but i couldn't find you...' and he kept going on about how i should have stayed and we could have hung out etc, it was so exciting! :) he like thinks about me outside of homeroom! it sounds stupid but it's a step lol. yay! made my day haha.

well.. i'm having soup for dinner. i had chinese food for lunch, i don't even want to think about the calories, although it was mostly plain white rice... anyways, things should start looking up, i'm already a lot less hungry than i normally am! i'll keep you girls updated, hope you've had awesome weekends. stay skinny. xox liz

i want that stomach...

i love public radio.

okay. the football game...
worst. football. game. ever.
i barely knew anyone, none of my close friends were there when i got there. so i sat with some girls who just complained about their boyfriends the entire time and it was horrible. i sat with M's best friend for literally about 10 minutes when people starting asking if we were dating. no, not me and M, me and M's best friend. i texted my friend talking about how ridiculous that was and she told me that M's best friend has a thing for me. sure, i'm flattered. but i'm not attracted to him and he's really boring... so no. that's not ever happening. and also? if M's best friend likes me, M has to respect that and can't make any moves. on the plus side, M looks really hot in his football uniform and our team won 14 - 7 so we're undefeated!

but here's the worst part. my best friends, like since 5th grade through thick and thin best friends, all came without me. they had been hanging out, every single fucking one of them together without me. they came for about 10 minutes, said hi quickly, then left without saying bye. all of them. just walked right out of the bleachers and forgot about me. this wouldn't be such a big deal if they hadn't been doing this all the time recently. i'm so sick of it, my friends suck ass. literally. i hate high school.

on the plus side, i got to skip dinner. totally ruined it today with a like 500 calorie sandwich. i couldn't help it, my mom made me it and watched me eat it. i feel disgusting now. my stomach isn't as good as processing fats as it used to be. i get stomach aches and pains, it sucks. i need a detox plan for tomorrow. i feel greasy and fat and bleh. i was 125 this morning, despite all the recent binges. i really want to get under 120, i'm determined. my appetite always goes away on my period and then i get used to not eating as much and THEN i can lose a lot :) haha i'm excited. it's a new month and a new start.

another thing. i'm determined to get M. deeetermined. this happens a lot, it turns into a game for me and i have to win.. and then if i do i don't usually want the guy afterwards. i know that sounds horrible and cruel but.. it's fun. boys a cruel, girls can be cruel too right? but sometimes it turns out that i do want the guy. that's how J started out at least and that turned into a relationship that's been on and off for three years. so we'll see about M. haha.

i think i need some goals. i mentioned putting some together sometime, they're nice motivation. i need to go shopping so that's definitely going to be on there. well... i don't need to go shopping haha i want to go shopping. but for smaller clothes, i don't want to get some clothes now and then lose weight after my period and then have to go get more clothes. and by the way, my feet got smaller? i used to wear these ballet flats when i was over 130 that fit perfectly and now they're way too big. and shoes i've grown out of are the right size now? has that happened to any of you girls/ is that normal? i'm pretty confused... there's not a whole lot of fat on your feet. and i'd rather be losing fat from my lovehandles/tummy/thighs/arms/anywhere BUT my feet. skinny feet and a fat body don't go well together.

okay so this is the last thing i have to say: my thinspo collection is HUGE now. over 250 pictures. i've been saving pictures that i see on the internet and that you girls post to my ipod (so nobody can find them unless they look really hard and i can take them with me where ever i want). i'm going to post one every day i think. or more than one. we'll see how it goes.

i hope you ladies are doing well, thanks for reading if anyone's still with me, i know this post is kinda long. stay skinny! xox liz.

that's emily didonato, love her.

p.s. thank you all for your lovely comments, i'm catching up on your blogs tonight i promise! xox

new month, new start

i'm a big believer in fresh starts and i like the idea of using october as a fresh start for losing weight, cutting myself off from everyone around me, my grades, everything.

we have a huge football game tonight. and i mean huge. it's going to be broadcasted on the news as the game of the week. the school we're up against is extremely competitive, they get like 300 people to show up to their games and they take over the opposite team's bleachers. that's not happening at my school, i'm actually going to this game and hell will freeze over before anybody at our school lets them take our bleachers. our school is so spirited, it's so intense haha. but anyways... i hate games lol. like really, i hate football games. i have to find people to sit with and it is awkward when you're wandering around looking for people and it doesn't sound that bad but it is. if it doesn't go well, whatever, i'll just go home early. 

so apparently lots of girls like the cute football player in my homeroom, M, that i talk to a lot.. i expected that but his best girl friend likes him and he'll probably ask her to homecoming, not me, which is a bummer. he's really cute. he's the captain of our undefeated football team too... and so cute. haha. we'll see about him and homecoming.

i'm literally about to start my period any day now. sorry if that's tmi but it's true lol. and it's making me eat a lot. today i had a sandwich (about 450 cals) and some yogurt (50 cals). i just realized i can skip dinner though! scoree. so that'll put me at about 500 calories for today. yay! good way to start off october :)

one bad thing though is that i got my interim grades (halfway through 1st quarter they send out marks). and i got horrible scores. i'm saving it for monday to tell my parents. it's not going to go over well...

lastly, and as usual, thanks for your comments lovelies and welcome to the new girls. i hope all of you, new followers and the regulars, are doing well :) i've been trying to keep up with all the posts of the blogs i'm following but i've gotten behind lately, sorry! i love you girls, thanks for all the support.

i should get ready for the game... wish me luck on being able to skip dinner. until next time loves. 

xox liz

i love her hipbones and legs.