rainy day

i'm so sleepy, it's raining a lot here and it's all dark and stormy and humid. it makes me want to curl up in a ball under my blankets and sleep. rain is the perfect sleeping weather.

i haven't posted much about my intakes/weight recently, mostly because i'm about to start my time-of-month and i've been craving/binging a lot. i step on the scale everyday and look away because i don't want to have to deal with what it's going to say. i really need my drive, my willpower back. i want to be thin and pretty and perfect.

gah i just fell asleep for a second.. i completely lost my train of thought. cool.

i really don't have much of substance to say, i'm really exhausted. i'll reply to your comments and maybe talk about my non existent life in a later post. for now, i'm going to nap.

rain was made to accompany naps.

stay skinny lovelies, sorry for the sleepy post. i'll be more awake/interesting later.

xox liz

it's britney bitch

thank you all for the sweet comments you left on my last post! i realized the picture made me look about 12 years old, sorry about that. i had to delete the pictures though, i don't wanna take the risk of someone recognizing me, that would not be good.

so i don't know if any of you girls watch glee, but i do. it's a great show, i've always wanted to be a dancer so it's cool to watch all the songs they do.. and it's a really good show. yesterday it was on and it was a britney spears themed episode. i grew up listening to her, her cd was the first one i ever bought. so i'm all hooked on britney again lol. i know she's had her crazy days, but who hasn't? and on glee, they talked about how her music made kids more sexual and come out of their shells (sue said it started a sex riot, you really have to watch the show to understand haha) and i really think that's true. her music makes me want to be the gorgeous sexy skinny girl she sings about (and was when she was younger). i don't know if this makes any sense haha sorry about that

anyways, i had some macaroni and cheese today, it was so tempting i couldn't resist... about 420 calories. i've been dancing around my room all day so i'm sure some of it has burned off. soup is for dinner so maybe i can keep it under 600 today?? fingers crossed.

not much has been happening in my life lately. i've been trying to decide what to be for halloween. i have to have a flat stomach for most of the costumes that i like. where i live everyone dresses like skanks, there were a whole group of hooters girls last year. i think i might be a police officer but i don't know. do you guys have any ideas?

okay well i've got homework to do and britney spears songs to dance to, hope you girls are doing okay :) xox liz

update: i sent my photos in to apply to i stock photos (so i can sell my pictures online) and can't stop checking my email for their response. cross your skinny little fingers!! xx

pictures of me... post will self destruct in a couple days.

it starts out easy, something simple something sleazy

something inching past the edge of reserve

now through the lines of the cheap venetian blinds your car is pulling off of the curb

just when you think that you're in control

just when you think that you've got a hold

just when you get on a roll

oh here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again.

oh here it goes again

i should have known, should have known

should have known again

oh here it goes again.

here it goes again by ok go

i don't have much to say, i like this song posted above, it's quite peppy and i like the lyrics too. 

so... i'm going to post a picture of myself. for 48 hours... or until i get uncomfortable with it haha. 

sorry guys, pictures are gone, i don't want to take the chance of someone i know finding this blog

sooo yeah. bleach costs about 2 bucks, i know the images are pretty darn scarring.

that's all for now guys, it's been a prettty boring day.

xox liz

i'm an idiot.

i actually can NOT believe i fell for this bullshit again.

so that guy, J, the one who i'm like meant to be with whatever, fucked me over again.


we had a thing, we were best friends and hooking up and it was going perfectly. then he asked my good friend to homecoming.

well, good friend is an overstatement... and she said no... but we used to be really close and now we're not as close, but still friends. and he knew that. oh, and he doesn't even go to our school, so it's not like he had to ask her (he goes to a completely different far away school than me and my ex-ish friend do). and he told me last night that he hated her.

and he hasn't even had the decency to talk to me since it happened. she had to tell me.

i'm like combo angry and sad. sad because we were so fucking close, like he knew all about ana. i thought he was going to be the one who was starting to make me want to be a different person. i was closer to him than anyone i've ever met, in my entire life. anyone.

sad also, because like.. what's wrong with me? i know his friends don't really like me, but really only a couple of them, and they're not his close friends either. why did he have to ask a girl, who he barely even talks to, when he could go with me? we've been closer than ever. what's wrong with me, that he doesn't want me? he's always wanted me, even at my fattest. always. what changed?

but i'm pissed. i. am. furious. why the HELL do i fall for dumbass douchebags like him? i honestly don't get it. i made this happen, i let him in and i trusted him. not happening again, not for a long time.


i'm laying in bed, not studying for a huge exam i'm going to fail on monday, going between crying uncontrollably and being uncontrollably angry. if this is what i get for letting him in, if this is what i get for trusting someone, it's not happening again. it's not worth it. 

what a beautiful mess this is

favorite song... beautiful mess by jason mraz. like actually though. i'm going to post the entire song lyrics in a new post because i love it so much. i listen to it over and over and over...

anyways... so many calories... i hate going out to eat. i always end up ordering the wrong thing and eating too much of it and blah. you know the drill. i feel like this happens to me way too often.

i went grocery shopping with my dad after, and it went okay. i get really stressed out in grocery stores, sometimes i panic and make an excuse to leave, sometimes i just shake a lot. all that happened today was the shaking, and it can be disguised as being cold, grocery stores are always freezing. i bought a couple low calorie things to have for lunch this week and i'm pretty optimistic about being able to keep my count under 700 every day.

for treats to drink i got hot chocolate mix (60 cals) and lite arizona arnold palmers (50 cals- it's half lemonade, half iced tea. it's a big thing where i live). i think i'll have either one of those every other day, if i want one. i usually just want diet soda or water though, but we'll see. for breakfast/lunch i'll have special k chocolate granola bar (90 cals). i don't ever really want a hot breakfast, for some reason breakfast grosses me out... so it's pretty easy to combine breakfast and lunch. for a snack, i'm going to eat either a fruit cup (100 cals) or a yogurt (100 cals). i also have these jello brand chocolate mousse cups (60 cals) which are to die for. i'll probably eat one of those every couple of days after dinner.

sooo basically, for a day when i don't drink anything but diet soda and water, my intake will be 190 calories before dinner, which is totally subject to whatever my mom wants to cook. like i said yesterday, i'll burn off 200 calories at least everyday and keep dinner under 500. so 690 without exercising! :)

oh and i'm 124! i weighed myself this morning. so i already have a head start! i still want to be 118 by homecoming though, if not less than that. if i lose one more pound then i'll officially have lost 10 pounds since i've had this blog (i started at 133)! thinking about it now, 10 pounds is a lot. i'm semi proud of myself lol but i still have more to lose. i want to turn that 10 pounds into 15.

ugh. i have lots of homework to do. yes, i'll be doing homework on a saturday afternoon. don't get too jealous now, only a few people can be as cool as me...
just kidding. it's going to suck. i have a huge exam in advanced placement us history on monday. yippee.  so that means i'm going to online shop right now. haha yay for procrastinating. stay skinny lovelies. xox liz

p.s. here's the whole ecology series including the pinecone picture (they're all unedited):

don't skip romance, you're old enough to dance the night away

i haven't really updated you guys very well in a couple of days, sorry guys!
the office was on last night, and i'm re-watching it now. best show ever, i love it.

okay so my dad's officially an asshole. he's been yelling at me for absolutely no reason, he apologizes after but still. it's really obnoxious. i'm so sick of him right now.

i can't wait to move out. if i could leave for college this weekend i would. but i have two more years. and it sucks. highschool sucks, my home sucks. when i skip meals and count calories and check my weight all the time, i used to feel guilty about the pain i was causing my parents, but i don't anymore. they play a huge part in why i am the way i am today. my mom makes comments all the time about how i probably shouldn't eat too much, and at bad times like when i'm leaving for school and not so sure about how i look/what i'm wearing. she, without fail, always tells me that i probably could stand to lose a few pounds. and my dad still calls me mighty whities because of my fat pale thighs. like that's his only nickname for me. so.. i don't really feel bad or guilty about wanting to starve anymore.

i want to lose weight so badly. i'm so excited to be skinny. i felt a lot more skinny today, i don't know why, but it was great. i hope to be under 120 by homecoming, which is around the third week of october. i really want to go with M the cute football player in homeroom. we almost went to a party together tonight but he had a game. he asked me to come to his game next week! lol anyways, i need to be skinny by homecoming and i have to stay skinny for halloween, everyone wears sexy slutty costumes and i want to look amazing in mine! so i'm going to put together a schedule and i'm going to stick to it.

the homecoming game is the 22nd so homecoming is the 23rd... almost exactly a month! i think i'm 126 right now, just a guestimate... with all the binging lately, i don't want to step on a scale. maybe tomorrow morning? we'll see. i want to be 118 by homecoming, that's a good number right? and that's only 2 pounds a week. so:
by 10/2/10 i should be 124, by 10/9/10 i should be 122, by 10/16/10 i should be 120, and by 10/23/10 i'll be 118. i'd really love to lose more but hopefully i'll surprise myself and end up lower than 118. according to a couple calorie counters, i have to eat under 700 calories a day.
everyday i'll drink water and diet soda. i can either have coffee (100) or a granola bar (180). i'll burn at least 200 calories everyday on my stationary bike. for dinner i'll take small portions since my mom always makes me eat. i can usually get away with under 500 for dinner. that makes a total intake of 600 for coffee days and 680 for granola bar days (without subtracting whatever i burn off).

i'm going to make some rewards for when i hit my goals, i'll come up with those in the next post. sorry if i've been rambling a bit, i've been trying to figure this out as i go along lol. i'm also making an ana bracelet! any ideas? i think seeing it every time i reach for some food will stop me. well thanks for putting up with my rambly post loves :) i'm gonna go to sleep for now, but i'll post again lataa. think thin and stay skinny lovelies, xox liz.

oh! and p.s., this is one of the photos i turned in for photography class this week! i've been talking to some of you girls about art lately and i just wanted to show you some of what i do :)

the guide word for our project was 'ecology' and i decided to focus on texture. there are 3 more pictures in the series but this one is my favorite, even though it isn't edited yet here. it's a pinecone, i used expansion tubes to get really close in. so yeah, i do photography like this and drawing :) 

lame post, sorry girls

so i'm a little behind on posting, i haven't had enough time to really sit down and put a lot of effort into a post, sorry lovelies :( school has been really tough lately and i'm just physically and mentally exhausted. and i've binged a lot. i don't even want to think about how much right now, but i can feel the extra weight as i move around. great. looove this.

anyways, i'll put more effort into a post later, when i'm not full to the brim of calories and about to pass out. lemme get my shit together, hold on a day or two. hope you all are doing well, think thin and stay skinny. 

xox liz
p.s. don't you hate lying down and going to bed on a overly full stomach? i think it's the worst feeling in the world.