doesn't count as a post

okay this is barely enough to post but just a quick update.. I've gotten out of the hell of 133 pounds! :) I just weighed myself, and I'm 131. And so far today I've had only half a peach and it's 3 pm. Life's good today

xox

sorry about this novel...

I was just reading some other pro-ana blogs, but like the really intense ones, the ones that when they leave for a week you're positive that they're in the hospital. They're so inspirational, with their hipbones and tiny bodies, they really make me wanna be under 100 pounds more than anything, you know?
But I've been doing pretty good! :) Three cheers for fasting! I am required, by my parents, to eat a family dinner. I can take small portions, that part is pretty easy, but it's really fatty food and there's no way to get around it. But if I don't eat for the rest of the day and just do situps constantly, then my intake definitely stays under 500.
Yesterday was realllyy bad, I fucking hate birthday cake. Well... that's a lie. BUT I hate binging on it, it's so bad for me, so many calories, like I don't even want to look up how many calories are in what I ate, I was doing fine... Until that stupid left over cake made an appearance. Goddamnit. I have nooo willpower, I need to fix this.
I want to be 123 by the beginning of school, which is in exactly a week, september 7th. Ahhhhhh I didn't realize it was this close, holy shit. I hope I can lose the weight, shhhhiiiiiiiiiittttt. I can't get under 133, it's like not working, I did a liquid fast for like days and nothing happened, same old 133 pounds forever. I'm so hungry too, like incredibly nauseous because of my low blood sugar, I should probably do something about that...
And I'm watching teen mom, god I can't imagine being like that, there's so much work, I mean I don't even have a job. And all that baby weight? Hellllllll no. Oh and the baby, taking care of that poopy crying kid alone would suck.
Sorry this post is such a novel, I'm in a really good mood for some reason, I don't really know why. Yes, being hungry makes me nauseous and tired but I feel so light, and there's this shaky energy, I don't know how else to explain it, but it's wonderful :).
Oh....... and boy drama, let me just vent for just a second. So my ex boyfriend, the one who has my v-card, the first real relationship and first real love, if you want to call it that, is back. And he just comes and goes, I just sit there and wait. The worst thing is? He knows it. He knows that he can always come back to me and be with me. Goddamnit. I'm trying not to just let him in again because I know he's just going to leave or cheat on me or lie to me, but it's so hard! He's so charming and sweet, he'd always been there for me in the past, he knows most everything and he gets me. We dated for 8 solid months last year, and then for 6 months after a long break. It was great and horrible and everything all at once, and I loved it, I loved him. When he comes back to me and wants to start everything up again, it's so hard to tell him no. And he's graduating this year, this is my last year to make it work, to have him around being wonderful. But the cheating and the lying, I don't think I can do that again. Ugh. I was going along in my life, totally okay. Then out of the blue he texts me and it's all downhill from there. Okay, okay. Rant is over. I won't talk about him until there's a new major update. Arghh, I hate boys.

Okay. If anyone's still with me, I'm sorry I wrote a novel. Thanks for reading, I'd love to read your posts, just leave a comment :)

Oh and thinspo for today, I love this picture, it's Miranda Kerr. Who is absolutely perfect.

Stay skinny loves, xox

hello, i love you

I've been gone forever and I'm reallyy sorry. I was waiting to come up with something really touching and meaningful to write about what happened when I was gone, buuut... nothing really happened. I gained and I lost over and over, staying around the same weight. There were a lot of times when I didn't have any internet connection but there were a lot of times when I did and had the opportunity to update and just didn't. It's not like I didn't miss you guys and your wonderful posts and inspiration, but I felt like I was coming back empty handed. I had the time to lose tons of weight, I had the time to go through the recovery process, I had the time to make big changes in my life, but I didn't. I left with the intentions of coming back with a different outlook, but it never happened, I'm the same.
but I'm happy to be back. xox

tell me what you know about them night terrors, every night

"I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold
I'll be fine once I get it, I'll be good.'' -Pursuit of Happiness by Kid Cudi

So I've been reading Wintergirls, which is one of the best books I've read recently, and I just finished it legit like 10 minutes ago. I might accidentally give something away, just a warning, but I'll try not to. At first, her success with anorexia made me want to try harder. I read about her journey and how thin she was getting and couldn't help myself but turn green with envy, especially when she reached 100 then 95 pounds and just kept dropping weight. But then I realized how much her life sucked when she just kept losing weight, the cutting and lonliness and haunting didn't seem like somehing I wanted to put myself through. 
Then there was a question someone asked on a blog I follow, wondering what was going to happen after we reached our goal weights. I tried to think and find out what I'd do when I got there. I mean, what is there to do? Anorexia and starving myself will be the only things I know and am good at. It'll have taken over my life and I won't be able to stop. I'd love to never stop, just to keep losing and losing until I fade away but then again, there are some good things in my life, how am I supposed to just let them all go? I don't know the answers to any of these fucking questions. If any of you have any advice, I'd love that. But, for right now I'm taking a break. I need to sort lots of things out. Sorry it took me such a long post just to get to this point, my bad. But anywho, I'll probably be back soon but right now I just need to sort through this confusion that's taking over my brain. Stay lovely girls, do what makes you happy and healthy. Xox be back soon. Liz.

just gonna stand there and watch me burn, that’s alright because i like the way it hurts

New eminem cd and I adore it. I don't normally like rap but he's wonderful.

A teeny bit of my favorite thinspo for you all, I thought my blog needed a bit of color and beauty. Annalynne Mccord, Dianna Agron, and Keira Knightley are my absolute favorite thinspo, being both thin and beautiful.

heads up, stay skinny. xox

my day, everyday.

I face the mirror and strip down, one piece of clothing at a time. The black skirt to slim my stomach. The shirt that hides my fat. The spandex underneath it all to keep me contained, prevent me from spilling out onto the floor, a blubbering mess of insecurity. Hunger gnaws at my ribcage and the emptiness expands throughout my body. I feel light and free, like I could fly away from my dysfunctional self at any time. I put myself on the scale and watch the numbers go up and up, but stay lower than the last time I put myself through this torture. I think about what I've put myself through in the last year. The fasting, the lies to myself and everyone around me, the slowly shrinking body I live in. I know there was some point in time where I was taught to be disgusted by this, that malnutrition and bones and emptiness were bad. What I don't understand is how feeling this good, this empty, this thin, could be bad. I have more to lose, will I feel it then? When my spine raises itself from within my back and my hipbones cut through my jeans, will I change my mind? I hope not, I hope I never recover. I want to continue down this road, to lose and lose and lose until there is nothing to lose anymore. Until I fade away, a bony light girl forgotten.

i told you to be patient, i told you to be fine

Soo guess who's 130 now? This girl. Made my day. I've cut way back on calories, but I'm trying to keep it varied so my metabolism doesn't .

My mom's almost walked in on my writing this like two thousand times, fuck doors that don't lock.

Anywho, I went to Chipotle today, it's like the shit at my school. And it's so annoyingly good, I can't not eat anything when I go. I went with my friends too so if I hadn't gotten anything, they would have noticed. I hate when friends think they're watching your back by making you eat when really they're just making you unhappy. I know, they're trying to take care of you and be supportive but I don't need that. I need support in the opposite direction, if they saw how obese I really was, they'd realize that. And it doesn't help that they're super skinny either. One of my best friends, lets call her N, is the skinniest girl in the most perfect way, it's so fucking annoying. She's tan, has abs and nice legs, and big boobs at the same time. It sucks. And there's another girl, we'll call her E for right now. She is ridiculously skinny. Her hipbones wear holes in her jeans, they stick out so much. And I'd use them as inspiration if they worked for their bodies, but no. N and E both eat so much, I'd kill to have that metabolism. I have to go eat with my parents. I hate food.

Okay I'm updating this a couple hours later. I ate a burger and some lettuce. And P (remember him from the last post?) is being really cute. But I'm starting to realize and feel like that with all my problems and dishonesty about eating and how I like about what's going on in my head to him, I feel like I really just don't deserve him. I don't know how I'm going to go through this constantly feeling like a shitty person because he's so goddamn sweet but we'll see. Maybe I'll tell him about it all?.. hahaha. Nope. Night girlies, it's almost 11 on the east coast and I still have finals. xox