I face the mirror and strip down, one piece of clothing at a time. The black skirt to slim my stomach. The shirt that hides my fat. The spandex underneath it all to keep me contained, prevent me from spilling out onto the floor, a blubbering mess of insecurity. Hunger gnaws at my ribcage and the emptiness expands throughout my body. I feel light and free, like I could fly away from my dysfunctional self at any time. I put myself on the scale and watch the numbers go up and up, but stay lower than the last time I put myself through this torture. I think about what I've put myself through in the last year. The fasting, the lies to myself and everyone around me, the slowly shrinking body I live in. I know there was some point in time where I was taught to be disgusted by this, that malnutrition and bones and emptiness were bad. What I don't understand is how feeling this good, this empty, this thin, could be bad. I have more to lose, will I feel it then? When my spine raises itself from within my back and my hipbones cut through my jeans, will I change my mind? I hope not, I hope I never recover. I want to continue down this road, to lose and lose and lose until there is nothing to lose anymore. Until I fade away, a bony light girl forgotten.
Oh love the camera lies, oh how it lies. Well at least about the 'gorgeous' bit. I actually look skinnier in real life, but less proportional. Gangly arms and a fat ass. Not good.
ReplyDeleteUuh your previous post is so relevant to my pictures. Fucking skinny cows that are thin AND eat AND are happy. They don't even work for it!! x
Well I never end up looking that gorgeous in pictures, so there :) haha
ReplyDeleteAnd I know, they're so frustrating! We sit and count our calories and record our weights everyday and they just eat whatever they want whenever they want, it's so unfair! xox